


Make It Through the Night

by CaptainMarvel42



Series: Always in Motion [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Lives, F/M, Fix-It, Han Solo Lives, No Pregnancy, Redemption, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainMarvel42/pseuds/CaptainMarvel42
Summary: “Ben,” his dad's voice rang out.Ben sucked in a shocked gasp. Afraid of what he would see, he turned to face the voice and opened his eyes to his worst memory. His dad was in front of him – alive – looking just as he did moments before he died. Moments beforeKylo Renkilled him.(Or: Ben from TROS gets the chance to go back to TFA. As he tries to make things better, he discovers that the path to redemption is neither easy nor straightforward. At least he’s not alone.)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Always in Motion [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941907
Comments: 289
Kudos: 968





	1. Chapter 1

Mid-fight he heard his mom’s voice. 

  
“Ben.” Her voice was soft, but strong. For a moment he thought he saw her. She had that look in her eyes, the one she had when she knew she was about to win an argument. Her determination had always been unparalleled. And then it was like she was looking back at him, and she did the unimaginable. She smiled. He could feel what she was feeling: hope, love, and most overwhelmingly, forgiveness. 

  
And then his mind was quiet.

  
For so long there had been a cacophony of competing voices in his mind. He had stopped trying to untangle which thoughts were his and which came from an outside source. Snoke voiced his doubts about the Light, his family, and his own self-worth. His grandfather promised that if he followed his example, he too could be powerful.

  
Killing Snoke didn't stop the voices. His grandfather’s voice continued to guide him, which he thought meant that he was still on the right path. There was also that new voice. The voice that was behind them all. Palpatine–

  
He felt her weakening. Somehow his mom had used the last of her strength to free his mind.

  
She was gone. 

  
Battle forgotten, Ben dropped his lightsaber. And it was _Ben_. Kylo Ren died the moment Leia Organa did. 

  
He felt a sudden searing pain in his abdomen. Rey was holding the lightsaber he dropped. Distracted by his mom's death, Ben had forgotten the fight, and she had stabbed him.

  
“Leia,” Rey whispered. She disengaged the lightsaber.

  
He didn’t have the strength to remain standing, so he let himself sink to the ground. He knew he was dying, and while Rey was the one who killed him, he wasn't angry. He didn't know if it was because of the shock or his newly free mind, but he felt calm. Maybe that was his mom's last gift to him. He got to die as Ben Solo.

  
Rey came to him, no longer fighting, and she knelt next to him. Through the bond, which was now wide open – anger, fear, regret – he felt the tumult of her emotions. 

  
Regret was a feeling he knew well. He caused so much pain for the people who loved him. Imperfect as it was, he now knew that his parents had loved him. He wished he could go back and do it all differently. 

  
But it was too late.

  
The roar of the waves crashing faded and it was like being in the vacuum of space. He could still see her. 

  
_Rey._

  
She reached for him. He wondered idly if his mom taught her to heal, but he let that thought go. Even if Rey knew how to heal, he was too far gone. It was enough that she was here with him. Selfish as it was, he didn't want to die alone.

  
He tried to focus on Rey, but there was an unpleasant twisting sensation, different from the sharp and hot pain of the lightsaber wound. Was this what dying felt like? He closed his eyes, attempting to block out the growing nausea.

  
***

  
Finally, the twisting stopped. Ben felt disoriented, but the pain and nausea were gone. 

  
_Am I dead?_

  
“Ben,” his dad's voice rang out.

  
Ben sucked in a shocked gasp. Afraid of what he would see, he turned to face the voice and opened his eyes to his worst memory. His dad was in front of him – alive – looking just as he did moments before he died. Moments before _Kylo Ren_ killed him.

  
He had been transported from the wreckage of the second Death Star to Starkiller Base. Instead of dying in the midst of a violent storm on Kef Bir – Rey at his side – Ben was on a familiar walkway. One that he had seen in his nightmares a thousand times over. 

  
Was this his punishment? Was he to relive the worst moment of his life? Forced to make the same terrible mistake over and over again? 

  
Something was different somehow. Ben opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He was frozen. 

  
The silence stretched.

  
His dad moved towards him. 

  
Ben remembered being surprised by how much older his dad had looked. He’d wondered what had aged the man so much. Was it time? Or was it the pain of knowing what his son had become?

  
“Take off that mask. You don't need it.” His dad stopped, staring hard at the mask as if he could burn though it with the force of his gaze alone.

  
“What do you think you'll see if I do?” Ben choked the words out, barely able to repeat the words he said in what felt like another life.

  
His dad took another step towards him. “The face of my son.”

  
Ben breathed a deep and steadying breath, and then he removed the mask. 

  
His dad jolted at the sight of his son.

  
Ben wondered what he saw. Without the mask he felt like an open wound. “Your son is dead,” he said in a quiet voice. He said it like an apology.

  
“That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it’s not true. My son is alive.” His dad's words were kind, and while he sounded so determined, Ben could sense the doubt. He wanted to believe in his son, but he didn't know if he could. Ben remembered proving he couldn't.

  
“You're just a memory,” he said, unsure whether he wanted to extend this moment with his dad or end this exercise in futility. He couldn't change the past. 

  
“I’m here, son. Come home.”

  
Desperately, Ben wished he could go home. “It’s too late. You're gone.”

  
“No, it's not too late. Come home with me. We miss you.”

  
Ben wanted to believe that he could go home. “I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it.” 

  
Ben dropped the mask and he took out his lightsaber. 

  
“Dad—” Ben stopped. 

  
He couldn't do it again. Unlike his nightmares, Ben felt more in control of his actions. He wasn't a silent observer forced to relive his worst act over and over again. This time he _refused_. 

  
Ben looked down at the lightsaber and was assaulted with visions: the red glow of his lightsaber reflected in his dad's eyes as their light went out; Snoke’s voice, _the deed split your spirit to the bone_ ; a forest filled with bodies; himself, as he brought back his blade ready to strike– 

  
Ben realized how tightly he was squeezing his lightsaber, his body full of tension. He knew what needed to be done.

  
He let go of the lightsaber and watched it fall far beyond his reach. He would never spill blood with that lightsaber again.

  
When he looked back at his dad, he saw surprise and relief. 

  
“I have done terrible things,” Ben admitted in a quiet voice. 

  
His dad, now standing in front of him, cupped Ben's face with his hand. “Come home, Ben.”

  
The emotion was too much. He didn't deserve the hope he saw in his dad's eyes. Not when Ben knew what he had done. Ben averted his gaze and nodded.

  
***

  
Ben followed his dad, and his mind raced with possibilities. Could this be real? Or was it a vision?

  
Chewbacca's roar broke though his thoughts. 

  
Stormtroopers were firing at him.

  
His dad shot at the Stormtroopers, and someone else was providing cover from a higher level. Ben reached automatically for the lightsaber that was no longer there, but he didn't need it. He pushed out with the Force and threw the Stormtroopers back. 

  
_“Thanks,”_ Chewbacca said, speaking to Ben for the first time in years. Then he set off a detonator.

  
Ben remembered this. The Resistance was about to take out Starkiller Base. They needed to leave.

  
“Let's go,” his dad said.

  
His dad tugged on his arm, so Ben followed, running in step with him. Chewbacca followed behind them.

  
By the time they got onto the _Millennium Falcon_ , Rey was already there, heading towards the cockpit.

  
“What's _he_ doing here?” FN-2187 aimed his blaster at Ben.

  
Ben hadn't noticed him. He ignored the former Stormtrooper – and the blaster he was pointing at him – to focus on Rey who was now facing him. Their eyes met for a moment before she looked away. The bond between them was pulsing. He wondered if she felt it too. Ben wanted to make up for everything he had done to her. He wanted—

  
“There's no need for that,” his dad said, waving the blaster.

  
“That's Kylo Ren! Of course there—"

  
“We need to go,” Ben said, cutting him off. There were bigger problems, and his mind raced with possibilities of how this could go horribly wrong. What if Hux found them? What all died when the Resistance blew up Starkiller Base?

  
“I am not following your orders anymore,” FN-2187 said.

  
“Finn, he’s right,” Rey said. 

  
At her words Finn gaped at her. Ben imagined that he wore a similar look on his own face. 

  
Rey placed her hand on Finn’s blaster, pushing it down, and Finn let her. “We need to get out of here,” Rey continued.

  
“Not with him we don't.” While the blaster was no longer pointing at him, Finn was still gripping it tightly.

  
His dad interjected. “It's my ship and I decide who flies on it. Either you get off the ship and find your own way out, or you leave with us. _All_ of us.” He looked at Chewbacca and nodded in the direction of the cockpit.

  
Chewbacca nodded back and left. Ben hoped that they would be able to take off soon. He heard the familiar sounds of the start up procedures.

  
Finn looked at Ben's dad. “You don't know what he's done. He’s a monster,” he said.

  
“I am,” Ben agreed.

  
Finn stared at Ben. Rey was staring too. It may have been his imagination or wishful thinking, but he thought that Rey looked saddened by his words.

  
“Ben's coming with us,” his dad said, sounding tired.

  
“ _Ben_ ,” Finn said the name like he couldn't believe that anyone would call Kylo Ren by such a non-threatening sounding name.

  
Rey stepped towards Finn. She lowered her voice; her words for Finn alone, but Ben could still hear her. “There isn't time for this. We need to get out of here before the whole place blows.”

  
Ben wished he could see what her face looked like in that moment, but it was angled away from him. He was amazed by how accepting she was being about him joining them. She had just escaped him. Last time, when they fought on Starkiller Base, she had been so angry with him. 

  
“Kid's right,” his dad said. “We all need to leave. Now.” 

  
And, _oh_ , Ben realized. That was the difference. His dad was still alive. 

  
“Fine,” Finn said. 

  
His dad, done with the conversation, walked towards the cockpit. 

  
Not knowing what else to do, Ben followed. He looked back, trying to meet Rey's eyes again, but she had already turned away and followed Finn in the other direction. 

  
***

  
Being on the this ship again was surreal. His dad looked at home flying the _Falcon_ , and Ben drank in the sight. The last time he sat in the co-pilot's seat was when he was a child, before he was sent away. 

  
“You came with us,” his dad said, interrupting Ben's musings. Chewbacca had left, saying he needed to check the engine, but Ben knew it was an excuse to give them some time alone. He was glad for the privacy. 

  
“You sound surprised.”

  
“I—”

  
“I'm surprised too,” Ben said, facing forward, looking out into space instead of at his dad. “I could have killed you.”

  
_I did kill you._

  
“But you didn't. That's what matters.” His dad squeezed his shoulder. 

  
“It's not enough. Finn was right when he called me a monster.”

  
“I don't see a monster when I look at you.”

  
_What would you see if you knew I killed you?_

  
“I don't understand why you want me to go with you," Ben said, which wasn't quite what he wanted to say.

  
“Because you’re my son.” He said it like that was enough, like that was all that mattered. Ben felt a familiar anger growing. Why hadn't that been enough when he was a child? Why didn't they want him then? Ben took a deep breath and exhaled. He had no right to still be angry with them, not after everything he did to them. But even as he released the anger, the old pain, twisted and ugly as it was, still remained.

  
Ben took a moment to gather his thoughts. He couldn’t dwell on his feelings. Whatever was happening – a vision, time-travel, or something else – he needed to make a plan. Already enough had changed that he didn't know what would happen next. How would the First Order react to his disappearance? What would the Resistance do with him?

  
“Bringing me back to the Resistance will cause problems.”

  
“Your mom can handle those,” his dad said. And he sounded so sure, but Ben always knew when his dad was bluffing.

  
“I don't know how to face her again,” he said, his voice sounded small. There was so much he wanted to say to her — apologies and thanks. He wanted to thank his mom for what she did for him in her final moments, but he wouldn't be able to because she wouldn't _remember_. 

  
“I'll be there with you.”

  
Ben squeezed his eyes shut. It was too much. His dad's acceptance. His relief. His happiness. This is how it could have been. This is how it _should_ have been. 

  
“I need some time. To think.”

  
Ben saw his dad's disappointment. 

  
“Okay, kid,” he agreed. “I'll be piloting my ship.” He gave Ben a long look, like he was hesitant to let him leave, but he turned away as Ben walked out of the cockpit. 

  
***

  
After aimlessly wandering for what felt like ages, Ben found himself in the engine room. He was sitting down – legs in front of him and back against the wall – thinking.

  
This had gone on for too long for it to be a vision. Was it real? Was his dad really alive?

  
He felt Rey approaching before he saw her. The bond was strong.

  
For so long he had fought to have her rule by his side. The vision of them ruling together was everything he wanted. He thought that if he could make the vision come true, everything would have been worth it. Ben knew they could achieve so much more together than either of them could dream of ever doing apart. 

  
It was never going to happen; Ben saw that now. She would rather kill him than turn.

  
Rey stopped a couple meters away from him. 

  
“Rey,” Ben said. He looked up at her, admiring the way she met his gaze dead on. Here he was, the monster who she had just escaped from, and she was approaching him without fear. “I'm sorry,” he said, looking at her intently to see her reaction.

  
“What are you sorry for?” Her words were abrupt and the question sounded like a test.

  
There were so many things that he was sorry for, but there was one that was gnawing at him. “Hurting you.”

  
Her brow furrowed. “Which time, Ben?” she asked.

  
He startled at her use of his name. “All of them,” he said in a rush. He felt a sudden surge of hope and he was tempted, just for a moment, to push into her mind and learn what she was thinking, but he knew he couldn't hurt her like that again. “Do you remember?”

  
“I remember you hurting me,” Rey inhaled sharply, “but I remember hurting you too.” Rey leaned towards him, staring at the spot where a lightsaber injury should have been. She reached out with her hand for a moment, and then before she made contact – like she thought better of it – Rey closed her hand into a fist. 

  
He felt some of the tension leave his body. He was relieved that she remembered too; not only was he not alone here, but with her help he had a chance to make things better. 


	2. Chapter 2

Somehow her wish came true.

  
Rey had been so angry; her anger had been directed at Palpatine, at Kylo Ren, and most of all at herself. That anger came from a place of fear. Seeing herself on the Sith throne terrified her. It brought back memories of Luke telling her that she went straight for the Dark. Desperate to prove the vision wrong, she fought against Kylo Ren with all her rage, while he fought back in his own desperate attempt to make that same vision a reality. 

  
She felt Leia's death too late. 

  
Her rage was replaced with regret. Stabbing Kylo Ren didn't feel like a victory for the Light. It felt like all her worst fears about the darkness inside herself were coming true. She wished she could take it back.

  
She felt him fading.

  
His shielding must have weakened because his emotions and thoughts were clearer in that moment than in any of their previous encounters. She wondered how much he held back from her – how much he held back from _himself_. The lack of anger surprised her. He wasn’t angry that she killed him; instead, she felt acceptance from him. He was glad she was there, which made her feel even worse about what she had done. His thoughts told her that he thought it was too late for her to heal him, and she wanted nothing more than to prove him wrong. He didn't get to die on her. He didn't get to leave her _alone_. 

  
So she reached out to him with the Force and refused to let go.

  
***

  
And then she was on Starkiller Base again, and he was alive.

  
***

  
Being on the _Falcon_ felt like coming home. The Resistance moved so often that Rey never felt settled in any of the bases, which left the _Falcon_ as one of the few constants in her life. Jakku was more of a way station than a home. For so long she held on to the false belief that her parents were coming back for her. A fresh wave of grief hit her. 

  
_They were trying to protect me from Palpatine._

  
She tried to box that thought away for later, unable to face the implications of what she had learned. Not when there were so many other things to deal with.

  
“This is crazy,” Finn said, startling Rey out of her thoughts.

  
She looked back at Finn who was sitting across from her in the _Falcon's_ main hold. “It is…” she agreed, but not for the same reasons. Somehow she was in the past and it was changing. Han was alive. Finn wasn't injured and Ben – no she refused to call him by that name – _Kylo Ren_ came with them. Her thoughts felt like a confused mess. There was relief – _I didn't kill him_ – but there was also fear. She didn’t know what would happen next.

  
“I can't believe we're bringing Kylo Ren to the Resistance,” Finn continued. “Did you hear Solo call him his _son_? Or was I imagining things?” He looked at Rey expectantly.

  
“No, I heard it too,” she answered, but she was only half paying attention to the conversation. She replayed that moment where he dropped his lightsaber over and over in her mind. What had changed? She didn't want to let herself hope only to be disappointed again, but Han was _alive_ , and she felt the stirrings of hope despite her best efforts. 

  
“Are you okay?” Finn asked carefully. 

  
Rey gave Finn a weak smile. “I’m fine. It's just a lot.”

  
“You were held prisoner.” Finn leaned forward, arms resting on the game table between them. “And the monster who took you is on this ship with us. You don't need to be fine.”

  
“I’m not afraid of him.” Rey straightened. And it was true. There had been some fear when she first encountered him, but for her that was a long time ago. The truth was that she wasn't as afraid of what he would do as she was afraid of what he could convince her to do. His offer to join him had been too tempting, not because she wanted power, but because she wanted to feel less _alone_.

  
“I’m afraid of him,” Finn admitted. “You didn't see him on Jakku.”

  
She may not have been there, but she saw what he had done when she pushed back into his mind, and later she saw what he was capable of doing. She understood why Finn was afraid.

  
“Rey, if you need to talk about what happened—”

  
“I don't.” Because how could she? For her that was such a long time ago, and even then she had been fine – unsettled, sure – but not rattled in the way she was now.

  
“Whenever you’re ready, I'm here to listen,” he said with a soft and serious tone. 

  
Rey felt a swell of gratitude. Finn proved himself over and over again to be a good friend. She wanted to trust him with the truth, but there were so many truths that she was keeping from him. The way he saw her – it wasn't the way she saw herself. He saw her the way she wanted to be seen, darkness carefully hidden away.

  
She leaned forward. “Thank you for coming for me.”

  
“I couldn't leave you,” he said, sounding certain, like leaving her behind wasn't a choice he considered for even a second. 

  
“You're the first person who ever came back for me.” It was important to her that he understood how important his friendship was to her. “You're a good friend.”

  
“I’m learning that friends are important.” Finn smiled. “We need to stick together.”

  
***

  
Rey let Finn know that she needed to stretch her legs. She told herself that her intention wasn't to find _him_ , but she found herself seeking out his presence with the bond that was just as strong as ever.

  
She found him in the engine room. He was still dressed like Kylo Ren – the only thing missing was the mask he left behind. There was something about the way that he was sitting against the wall, head down and shoulders curled in on himself, that made him look small.

  
He broke the silence by saying her name. And then he surprised her by _apologizing_.

  
She wondered if he was apologizing for kidnapping her, for interrogating her, or if he remembered everything that came after – everything that hadn't happened yet. “What are you sorry for?” 

  
“Hurting you,” he said. 

  
And his words were a punch to the chest. “Which time, Ben?” she asked, the name she tried to forget slipping out. She saw him startle at the sound of his name.

  
“All of them.” He was staring at her intently and sounded sincere. “Do you remember?”

  
“I remember you hurting me.” There was the physical pain from their fights, but the pain that cut deepest was the way he crushed her hope that Ben Solo would ever be at her side. Their bond was cruel; it drew two fundamentally incompatible people together, and helped them understand one another. They both made choices the other couldn't follow, which led to that fight on Kef Bir. “But I remember hurting you too.”

  
She reached for his wound automatically, but it was gone, and she was afraid of what visions they might see if they touched, so she dropped her arm.

  
“Is this real?” Ben asked, staring at the hand she had almost touched him with.

  
“It feels real.” Rey sat across from Ben and crossed her legs. “Have you ever heard of anything like this before?” As much as it pained her to admit it, he knew more about the Force than she did, and he was the only person left that she could ask—

  
But that wasn't true anymore, was it? _Luke is still alive,_ she realized.

  
“I've experienced visions, just as you have.” 

  
Visions were more abstract than tangible; they could be vivid, but they never felt like they were actually happening. “This doesn't feel like a vision.”

  
“It feels real,” he agreed. He sighed and then asked, “Why do you think we’re back here?”

  
“Maybe it's our chance to make things better?” She wondered how many lives could be saved. “Han’s still alive.”

  
“I couldn't do it again,” he said, looking away from her.

  
“Why did you do it the first time?” 

  
He took a deep breath as if to steady himself. He was looking down at his hands. “I believed it would free me from the Light.” He looked up and met her eyes. “But I was wrong.”

  
“Are you still trying to free yourself from the Light?” She needed to know.

  
“No, it’s part of me. Trying to deny that only led to suffering – for me and for everyone I hurt.” Even if she wasn't able to feel it though the bond, she would have known he was being honest by the emotion in his words – she could hear the pain in his voice. She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to help ease his pain, but she wasn't ready – to put herself out there, to face potential rejection, to be hurt by him again. 

  
“What's changed? You feel different. Less angry.” He felt that way on Kef Bir too, but not until Leia was gone. “What happened to you when Leia died?”

  
“She freed me,” he said, sounding almost reverent. “My mind is my own for the first time. The voices are gone – he’s gone.”

  
 _Palpatine_.

  
“What are you going to do with your freedom?”

  
“I want to make better choices.”

  
Here they were on the _Falcon_ – together in a way they had never been. Moments like this were always through the bond. In person they were always interrupted by a fight, by others– 

  
“What are you going to do?” he asked.

  
Rey took a deep breath. She remembered that after she stabbed him, she wanted to run away from it all – to protect everyone from her, but that didn't feel right. Not now. Not when she had a chance to save lives. She had to try. “I think I need to find Palpatine and destroy him.”

  
“Let me help you,” he said, and it sounded like a question – like he was asking for permission rather than telling her what to do.

  
“I don't want a throne.” She needed to make herself clear.

  
“Neither do I,” he said.

  
She raised her eyebrows. That was not in line with any of his recent actions as the _Supreme Leader_.

  
“Not anymore,” he clarified.

  
“I don't know if I believe you.” But she wanted to.

  
“Let me prove it to you.” He was sitting up straight now, and he looked confident – no, _determined_. 

  
Giving him a chance was a risk – a big risk. The last time she trusted him he made himself the Supreme Leader and tried to destroy the Resistance on Crait. Still, there was a brightness to him that wasn't there before. He didn't feel like Kylo Ren anymore. He felt like _Ben_.

  
“I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand.” She wasn’t going to trust him yet, but she was going to give him the chance to earn her trust. 

  
“I want to be Ben again, but I don't know who that is anymore – who I am.”

  
“Well, now you have time to figure it out.”

  
***

  
Rey jolted at the sound of steps approaching. She stood up, putting as much space between her and Ben as she could. What would they think if they saw her and Ben together? She didn't know what to think about it herself, so she didn't know how to explain it to anyone else.

  
Looking back at him she saw his shoulders slumped again. He seemed more diminished than he had moments before. He look weighed down. She pushed down the hurt she felt coming from him, and steeled herself; it was perfectly reasonable for her to distance herself from him. According to what everyone in this time knew they were practically strangers.

  
Not that different from what people thought in her own time either. Sure, her friends, Leia, and the rest of Resistance knew they had faced each other in combat, but with the exception of Chewie, no one knew there was more than that.

  
That’s why it was so fitting that it was Chewie who arrived. He looked between her and Ben, and the look he gave her implied a question – a question she didn't want to answer – and a question he thankfully didn't ask.

  
Chewie told her Han wanted to talk with her, so she turned to leave, and when she looked back to see if he was following her, she saw him approach Ben. Chewie gestured at her to go, so she left to find Han.

  
***

  
It turned out Han was in the cockpit still. She wondered if he was hiding, though she couldn't guess whether it was Ben, Finn, or both that he hid from. 

  
“I wanted to thank you for helping to diffuse that situation with Finn earlier. I don't know if we would have gotten out in time without you.”

  
That is not what she had expected him to say.

  
“I didn't do it for him.”

  
“I never said you did.”

  
“I don’t think Finn would be very happy if he knew you left your son unsupervised.” She sat next to Han.

  
“You heard that, huh?”

  
“Finn and I both heard it.”

  
Han exhaled. “Did he hurt you?”

  
“He—” 

  
“Sorry, you don't have to answer that.” She guessed that he didn't really want to hear the answer.

  
“No, it’s not…” Rey took a moment to gather her thoughts. She wasn't going to tell him about what happened in her future, but she could tell him about her past. “Something happened when he interrogated me.”

  
“Rey, really, I shouldn’t have asked—” 

  
“He reached into my mind and I pushed back into his. I was able to see his greatest fears, and he saw mine,” Rey said, remembering that moment clearly.

  
“How did you—”

  
“The Force.”

  
“Ah, of course,” Han said, sounded tired. She imagined that he had enough of the Force in his life. Sometimes she felt the same way. “What was he afraid of?” he asked.

  
“You should ask him. He is your son.”

  
“No, the kid always needed his own space.” Han looked down. “It's for the best.”

  
“Are you sure about that?” Rey asked.

  
“I—” Han paused. “No, I'm not sure. I never got much right with him, truth be told.”

  
“You're never going to learn how to change that by avoiding him.”

  
Han sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You're right. His mother always understood him better than I did.”

  
***

  
Rey found Finn where she left him in the main hold. “We're landing soon.”

  
“Good. I want to get as far away from _him_ as possible,” Finn said.

  
Rey’s stomach rolled at the thought of how many secrets she was keeping from Finn. It was more than just her future knowledge, Finn didn't even know she was Force sensitive yet. She had to tell him something true.

  
“You remember asking me how I got away?”

  
Finn raised his eyebrows. “You said I wouldn’t believe it.”

  
“I used the Force on the guard.”

  
“Since when can you use the Force?” he asked.

  
“There was always something…” she struggled to find the words to explain, “an awareness. But suddenly I found that I knew I could use the Force to escape.”

  
“So what changed?”

  
“When we were on Takodana I felt something, and it led me to that lightsaber,” she said, nodding at then lightsaber attached to Finn's belt.

  
Finn looked down at it. “Maz gave it to me. She told me to find you.”

  
“She told me to take it, but I had a vision when I first touched it.”

  
“What did you see?” Finn asked, leaning forward.

  
“There was a temple burning.” She saw a flash of green, remembering the memory she saw of that night. “And then I saw Kylo Ren.” Images of him and the Knights of Ren appeared before her eyes. “But that's not what scared me most.”

  
“What was it?”

  
“I saw my parents leave me and I wasn't ready to confront that memory,” Rey said.

  
“But now you are?”

  
“I think so.” She sighed. “Now I know they aren't coming back for me.”

  
_Because they're dead._

  
“Rey, I'm sorry,” he said, trying to comfort her.

  
“I need to accept the truth and start to move on.”

  
“I think you should have this,” Finn said, taking the lightsaber out.

  
She stared at the weapon that she knew so well. “Why?” she asked.

  
“A feeling. I think it’s meant for you.”

  
“Thank you,” she said, taking the lightsaber and feeling its familiar weight.

  
“Besides, I would feel a lot more comfortable with that in the hands of someone who can use the Force with Kylo Ren around.”

  
“He doesn't have a lightsaber anymore. We saw him throw it away.”

  
“I've seen him in action, and he doesn't need a lightsaber to be dangerous—”

  
She knew that all too well.

  
“He's unstable. In the First Order he's notorious for his tempter – the property damage – the abuse of subordinates—"

  
“We don't need to worry about him,” she said. Ray didn't think he would lash out at anyone. He felt almost calm – calmer than her at least.

  
“What makes you say that?”

  
“A feeling.”

  
“I hope you’re right,” Finn said.

  
***

  
When Rey and Finn arrived at the _Falcon's_ ramp, Ben and Chewie were already there. 

  
She knew she was staring, but there he was looking so little like Kylo Ren and so much like what she imagined _Ben Solo_ would look like; she couldn't tear her eyes away. The lack of scar was the least of it. Even though he was still all in black, losing the mask and robes made him look softer somehow. The black boots were the same, so she guessed that this is what he had on underneath all of his layers. His long sleeved shirt caught her eye; it was a little worn, looking like it had seen better days, and it clung to his form. Unlike the robes he usually wore, the shirt showed off how muscular she knew he was. Tearing her eyes away from his chest, she caught his eyes. She felt her face heat up and looked away.

  
Finn was standing next to her and he looked tense. She could tell that he wanted off this ship as soon as possible. 

  
“Oh good,” Han said to Ben when he arrived. “You look better out of that outfit of yours, kid.”

  
“I’d rather not get shot immediately once I step outside,” Ben said, dryly. 

  
Han laughed. “Your mom and I won't let you get shot.”

  
“Do you really think you can stop _everyone_ in the Resistance who wants me dead?” Ben asked.

  
“I promise that we'll do what we can to protect you,” Han said.

  
Chewie growled in agreement.

  
“Besides,” Han said with a slight upward quirk to his lips, “can't you stop blaster bolts with the Force?”

  
Ben snorted. “I'd prefer not to have to,” he said dryly. While he wasn't smiling, there was a hint of amusement there.

  
Chewie lowered the ramp and Finn exited first. Rey followed him out.

  
She was greeted by the familiar greens and blues of D'Qar. The Resistance based seemed so alive. There were so many people celebrating. Rey was taken aback by how many people there were. 

  
Finn brought Poe over to her. “Rey, this is Poe. He helped me get away from the First Order.”

  
“So this is the girl we've heard so much about,” Poe said as he put his hand out.

  
Rey shook his hand and said, “Nice to meet you.” It felt strange to be reintroduced to someone she felt like she knew so well. She remembered being friends with him, but he was meeting her for the first time.

  
Rey looked back at the _Falcon_ and saw Ben exit the ship. He was flanked by Han and Chewie. 

  
Rey followed the direction of Ben's gaze and saw Leia. 

  
It was a relief to see her alive, but it was also painful to know that she was nothing more than a stranger to her.

  
“You did it,” Leia said to Han. She was smiling in a way that Rey had rarely seen. Leia stared at her son and spoke to him in what Rey was now realizing must have been the first time in years. “It's good to see you,” she said.

  
At first Ben didn’t respond.

  
But then he reached Leia in two large strides and pulled her into a hug. Leia looked as surprised as Rey felt. She saw Ben whisper something in Leia's ear. Leia's smile faltered for a moment and then she squeezed him tighter. Ben released her and took a step back, looking uncomfortable.

  
Rey noticed that she wasn't the only person watching. They had attracted a crowd. 

  
Poe went over to Leia. “General, who’s this?”

  
“This is Ben,” Leia said. “He's my son.” She stopped there.

  
Poe put his hand out and after a moment of hesitation, she saw Ben shake it.

  
“They can't seriously mean to keep him a secret,” Finn whispered harshly in her ear.

  
She couldn't blame Finn for being upset. Poe was unknowingly shaking hands with the man who had tortured him. Before she could reply, Leia interrupted them. 

  
“Thank you both for everything you both have done for the Resistance,” Leia said to her and Finn. “It's nice to meet you, Rey. I've heard a lot about you.” 

  
She felt an ache in her chest at Leia's words. Leia, more than anyone else, had been a mentor to her. Leia had believed in her, but now she barely knew who she was. 

  
“We should talk,” Leia said, sounding serious. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he saw his mom for the first time in years, he forgot to breathe. The lines around her eyes and the greying of her hair were the only signs that any time had passed at all. Her presence in the Force was as bright as ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've upped the chapter count again.  
> This story will have spoilers for _Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren_.

When he saw his mom for the first time in years, he forgot to breathe. The lines around her eyes and the greying of her hair were the only signs that any time had passed at all. Her presence in the Force was as bright as ever. 

  
As a child, the warmth and love he felt from her were the only things that soothed his nightmares. Over the years she was around less and less and the voice – _Snoke’s voice_ – spoke to him more and more. Trust and easy affection were replaced by doubt and discomfort. The voice confirmed its omnipotence every time it was proven right. There were the sleepless nights where his cries went unanswered, plans forgotten, and overheard discussions about what to do with him.

  
Without that voice in his head, her presence sang with affection, which left him wondering how warped his perception had been. 

  
“You did it,” his mom said to his dad with a slow smile. Then she looked at him, giving him the full power of her attention. “It's good to see you,” his mom said to him, and he _believed_ her. 

  
He was struck by the realization that he could have gone to her so much earlier – before Crait, before Starkiller Base, even before he went to the Knights of Ren – and she would have accepted him. 

  
Moving without conscious thought, he closed the distance between them and embraced her. Quietly, he spoke to her. “Thank you for still believing in me.” It was wholly inadequate considering everything she had done for him, but this version of his mom hadn't used the last of her strength to free him. She didn't understand the full meaning behind his words. 

  
She held him tighter.

  
Overwhelmed, he let go of her and took a step back. He found himself looking at his mom for a sign of what would happen next.

  
Before he got an answer, Dameron caught his mom's attention and asked who he was. 

  
Ben braced himself for the wave of anger, fear, and hate that he expected should follow, but instead, his mom introduced him as Ben – _her son_ – not Kylo Ren.

  
Dameron put his hand out, and Ben almost ignored it. Shaking the hand of a man that was recently tortured by him put a bad taste in his mouth. If the man knew he was Kylo Ren, he would have his blaster out, but knowing it would look strange if he didn't, Ben shook his hand. It was awkward to do something so innocuous. When was the last time he shook someone’s hand? It must have been before he took up the name Kylo Ren.

  
Ben felt his father's hand clamp down on his shoulder and saw his mom make her way to Rey and Finn.

  
He wanted to talk to Rey, figure out their next steps, but also find out how she was handling being back here. As strange as it was for him to be here, he wondered how it was for her. Unlike him, she'd been here before. He wondered how much was the same and how much was different.

  
“Let’s go talk somewhere more private,” his dad said quiet enough that only he and Chewie could hear. 

  
He nodded. 

  
Chewie softly growled his agreement.

  
Together, the three of them followed in the direction his mom took Rey and Finn.

  
***

  
Ben found himself in a quiet corner inside the Resistance base. It was more of an alcove than a private room, but with the rectangular table and hard metal chairs, it was clearly set up to be a meeting space. He was on edge; whenever he had imagined being in a Resistance base, he was destroying it not being welcomed back by his family.

  
His mom gestured for them to all sit down. A warm feeling settled around him as his dad sat to his left and Chewie sat to his right.

  
Rey and Finn were at the far side of the table. Finn sat with his arms crossed. Rey, however, looked much more relaxed – almost thoughtful. She was leaning forward, attention focused on his mom. He reached out to her and felt curiosity. 

  
His mom standing tall, hands resting on the chair in front of her, took a deep breath. “Thank you for everything you all did today.” She looked around the room, making eye contact with everyone as she spoke. “We struck the First Order with a blow they won't easily recover from. Without your help we would never have been able to destroy Starkiller.”

  
Ben was reminded of watching his mom on the Senate floor. She was charismatic and personable; when she spoke, it felt like she was speaking directly to you.

  
His mom pulled out her chair and sat down across from him. She looked towards Rey and Finn who were on her left. “Starkiller wasn't their only loss.” She turned back to Ben. “Losing you was their other loss.”

  
“And it’s the best thing to have happened in a long time,” his dad said, smiling at him. 

  
“As Snoke’s apprentice I answered to him alone. I wasn't an official part of the First Order hierarchy, so while Snoke must be furious, my defection won't have a major impact on their day-to-day operations.”

  
“You being here is enough,” his dad said.

  
He knew it wasn’t, not really. He had done everything he could to immerse himself in the dark side. He had followed Snoke willingly, which led him to the First Order who were now his enemy. He didn't know how much he agreed with the Resistance, but they had a common enemy. He had to do whatever he could to help them.

  
Ben was tense. He looked at his mom. “I have information—”

  
“We'll get to that,” his mom interrupted, “but first, we need to make sure we are all on the same page about what we’re going to tell everyone.”

  
“Why don't we tell them the _truth_?” Finn asked. He gripped the table tightly. “Tell them that your son is _Kylo Ren_ – that he's dangerous—”

  
“We shouldn't tell them,” his mom said, cutting Finn off. “It's better if we tell them that Ben is our son and that we leave it at that.”

  
Finn shook his head. “They’ll find out who he is eventually.”

  
“He's right,” Ben said with a half-hearted shrug. “This family doesn't have a good track record with secrets. We should tell everyone the truth.”

  
“We're in the middle of an evacuation. Now is not the time,” his mom said.

  
“Then when? When the Resistance finds a new base? Or do we wait until the First Order is defeated?” Ben asked.

  
“We'll re-evaluate after the evacuation,” she said.

  
“The longer we wait the worse it will be when the truth comes out – and the truth will come out – someone will recognize me – or the First Order will come for me–” 

  
“You don't know what will happen,” his mom said, trying to be reassuring, but not succeeding. 

  
“I do know,” Ben said, remembering what it what like to find out who his grandfather was the same time everyone else in the galaxy did. The secrecy hurt, but not as much as the reasoning behind that secrecy. They believed he was too much like his grandfather. Luke tried to deny it, but Ben saw through his lies. “You should too,” Ben continued, “Don't you remember what happened when the truth about who your father was came out?”

  
“Of course I remember.” His mom sounded tired.

  
“It lost you your seat in the Senate – destroyed your reputation—”

  
“It lost me my _son_ ,” she said, clasping her hand over his. 

  
He tried not to startle at the contact. 

  
“I won't lose you again.” His mom squeezed his hand tightly before releasing it.

  
“You can't expect us to keep him a secret,” Finn said, eyes wide.

  
“I can and I do,” Leia said with a firm and steady voice. “You're welcome to leave if you don't like it.”

  
“I won't tell anyone,” Rey said, drawing everyone’s attention. 

  
“You're okay with this?” Finn asked, brow furrowed.

  
“I am. I agree with Leia. We need to focus on the evacuation,” she said, speaking directly to Finn. He felt her calm and focus. “It would be too big of a distraction and too many lives are at stake.”

  
“I don't trust him,” Finn said.

  
“Nobody is asking you to. Just give everyone more time,” Rey said.

  
“Fine.” Finn exhaled sharply. “I won't tell anyone, but I also won't lie to cover for him,” Finn said, looking away from Rey and staring at Leia.

  
“That’s all we can ask of you. Thank you Finn,” Leia said.

  
“It won't be forever,” Rey said. 

  
Ben wondered if she was right. He had his doubts. If his mother had her way, he imagined that she would prefer to pretend that there never was a Kylo Ren. Maybe she would say that he went to train with Luke, was on the run from the First Order, and only now returned? It was easy enough for her to pretend since she never saw Kylo Ren in action. Finn had; he was right to be uncomfortable with his presence. Rey had too, but she was different. Even when she saw him as a monster, she saw more than just the monster. She saw the man behind the mask, the frightened boy who was trying to survive. 

  
***

  
Ben could hear the strain in his voice as he answered questions about the First Order. Finn also shared information; their different roles in the First Order meant they had different insights. They were the only two people on D'Qar that knew how well equipped the First Order was to destroy the Resistance, even with Starkiller destroyed. 

  
“Hyperspace tracking,” Ben said, remembering what had happened the first time. Only a fraction of the Resistance had survived. “The First Order can track you though hyperspace – we need to get out of here – they will track you until you run out of fuel and then—” 

  
“ _That's impossible_ ,” Chewie roared. 

  
“Chewie's right,” Han said, head cocked, “There's no way—"

  
“Ben's telling the truth.” Rey said with an even tone.

  
“How do you know?” Leia asked.

  
Rey sighed. “I just know.”

  
“Is it the Force?” Finn’s brow furrowed. “How do you know he’s not manipulating the Force to make you believe him?”

  
“Even if that was how the Force worked, I couldn't,” Ben said, which was true. Only weak minds were susceptible to Force manipulation. “Rey is as strong in the Force as I am.” She surprised him during the interrogation when she pushed back into his mind, and then again the first time they fought. She never stopped surprising him. What took him years of study to master, she did as easy as breathing. 

  
“So how do you know?” his mom asked Rey again. She looked at Rey like she was a puzzle that she was just starting to figure out.

  
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. He looked at Rey and found her looking back at him. 

  
“I told her—”

  
“I read his mind—”

  
Realizing that they gave different answers at the same time, Ben stopped talking. Telling anyone about time travel or the future was a terrible idea. He tried to communicate this to Rey without speaking. 

  
_We can't tell them the truth._

  
“I read his mind when he interrogated me,” Rey said, voice level. If she heard him, she showed no signs of it. “We talked on the _Falcon_ , which helped me make sense of some of what I saw.”

  
It was close enough to the truth, which was good because his mom would know if they were lying. He hoped Rey was convincing. There was going to be enough suspicion of him. They needed Rey to be trusted.

  
“We can use this. We'll say that Rey got this information from Kylo Ren,” his mom said.

  
***

  
There was a flurry of activity. His mom left to inform the rest of the Resistance command, Rey and Finn left to help with the evacuation, and Chewie went back to the _Falcon_.

  
That left him with his dad.

  
He saw his dad open his mouth once and close it. He guessed that he was also at a loss for what to say. Neither of them had ever really known how to talk to one another; they were so different. From such a young age, Ben was attuned to the Force. Speaking with his dad was like talking to someone about a sense they never had. As much as Ben tried to describe the Force to him, his dad never seemed to understand. He had doubted whether his dad wanted to understand him, but looking back, he saw how his dad tried. 

  
_Were those doubts mine or the voice’s?_

  
Their uneasy silence was broken by his mom returning much earlier than he expected. 

  
“It's so good to have you back,” she said, taking Chewie's vacant seat beside him.

  
“You're not going to be able to keep me a secret forever.” 

  
“We'll talk about that once we're on our new base. I want to talk to you about something else.” She hesitated before she continued. “What happened the night Luke's temple burned?”

  
Ben squeezed his eyes shut at her words. “He didn't tell you?” He tried to imagine what story Luke would have concocted. He had no doubt that Luke left out his own part in what happened that night.

  
“I’d like to hear it from you.” Her voice was soft, almost kind sounding, but her words cut into him like knives; she was asking him to talk about one of the worst nights of his life. Some nights he still dreamed about a green light hovering dangerously overhead.

  
Voice devoid of emotion, he stuck to the facts. “I thought I killed Luke, so I left.” 

  
“And the other students?” She leaned forward, waiting for his answer.

  
His chest was tight. He tried not to think about what happened at the temple and what came after. He felt the heat of the fire, heard the horror in his own voice as he–

  
Ben squeezed his eyes shut in a futile attempt to block out the memories. “I don’t want to talk about this,” he said. His throat felt thick, so the words were difficult to get out.

  
“I want to understand—"

  
“Kid's not ready to talk,” his dad interrupted. 

  
Ben nodded at his dad's words, thankful for the reprieve. He knew he would have to face his past eventually, but it was too soon; his emotions were too raw. 

  
“So we won't talk,” his dad continued. “Not yet.”

  
***

  
Ben volunteered to help with the evacuation. There was a rush of activity at the base, but not the level of fear that he expected. Command must not have made the First Order’s hyperspace tracking capabilities public knowledge. He expected there would have been mass desertions if they had. 

  
He found himself in the main hanger running maintenance checks on old X-wings. He missed his modified TIE whisper. 

  
“You're the General's son,” a young woman said. She gave him a wide smile.

  
He was taken aback by how friendly she was. “I am.”

  
“There's a faster way to check the ignition sequence.”

  
He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

  
“I'll show you,” she said with another smile.

  
She walked him through the steps, and she was right, her way was much more efficient; he was impressed. Despite it being years since he last worked on an X-wing, he had kept up to date on them. It was important to know the weaknesses of the enemy's ships. He decided to take a chance.

  
“Do you know anything about hyperspace tracking?” he asked.

  
“That's new tech, but it's possible…” she trailed off, and after a pause, she continued. “You can't mean that the First Order—”

  
“They can.”

  
“Active tracking. They would have to track us from their lead ship.”

  
“Rose,” another woman interrupted; they looked similar enough that he guessed they were related. She looked at him for a moment before giving Rose her full attention. “Could you help—”

  
“Paige, the First Order can track us through lightspeed.”

  
He ignored the shock on Paige's face and focused on Rose. “Would you be able to disable it?”

  
“Yes, but it would only last one system cycle—” 

  
“Good. You need to talk to my mom.”

  
Rose nodded. “Are you coming with us?”

  
“No, you go ahead. I'll finish up here.” He nodded towards the X-wing. He hoped that telling her was the right choice. If the First Order couldn't track the Resistance through lightspeed, they had a chance.

  
***

  
He was exhausted. It was the type of exhaustion where he was too wired to sleep, so instead of sleeping, he sat on one of the bunks in the _Falcon_ and rested. 

  
He wondered where Rey was. They needed to talk, needed to come up with a plan together, needed to—

  
He could admit to himself that he wanted to see her.

  
“It's happening again,” a familiar voice said.

  
_Rey._

  
He opened his eyes and saw her sitting with her legs crossed. She had changed into a simple tunic and leggings; her arms were bare.

  
“Where are you?” he asked.

  
“In the quarters I'm using tonight,” she said.

  
“I'm on the _Falcon_.”

  
“We need to talk about how we’ll change the future,” she said, which is what he had just been thinking about. 

  
He nodded. For the thousandth time, he wondered what triggered their connections. Did it happen when they were thinking about each other? Just how connected were they? He decided to test a theory.

  
_Did you hear me earlier?_

  
_I did._ Her eyes widened slightly. _How are we doing this?_

  
 _My mom and Luke were able to talk to each other this way._ He hesitated before continuing. _Snoke talked to me this way._

  
“Can you hear what I’m thinking?” she asked aloud.

  
“No, only what you project. But I can feel what you’re feeling unless you block our connection.”

  
“This is useful. Can we do this from any distance?” she asked.

  
He didn't know, but he imagined that their bond had few limitations. “We'll have to test it.”

  
She took a deep breath. “We need to make a plan to defeated Palpatine. You know more about him than I do. Where should we start?”

  
“It took me a year to find him. I know that he wanted me to kill you,” he said, worried about how she would react.

  
“But you weren't going to,” she said, and it wasn't a question; she sounded certain that he had not wanted to kill her.

  
Rey was right.

  
“No, I wanted us to work together to kill him, like we did with Snoke.”

  
“And you wanted us to take his place,” she said.

  
He did. He had thought he could have everything he wanted, that they could be together, that they could be powerful, and that there would be nothing for them to fear. “Yes,” he said, sighing.

  
“That's not going to happen.”

  
“You've made that clear. But we will need to work together if we have even a chance of killing him.”

  
“I know,” she said, biting her lip. “Are you sure he wanted me dead?”

  
That's what Palpatine told him, but he knew better than to trust him. At the time he knew he was being manipulated, but he didn't know to what end. “What are you thinking?”

  
“What if he wanted me to kill you?” Rey asked.

  
It made a certain kind of sense. “He might have wanted whoever turned out to be stronger. Palpatine wanted my uncle to kill Vader and take his place.”

  
“So he's looking for a new apprentice.”

  
“Maybe,” he said, but that didn't sound right to him. “There's so much that we don't know about how he's alive, what he's been doing all these years, or what his goals are.”

  
“Luke might know.”

  
He flinched at the name. “No, we need to help the Resistance evacuate and then we can search for more information together. We don't need him.”

  
“Fine, but we’ll both have to face him eventually,” she said.

  
“Not if I can avoid it.” He wasn't going to go to Luke, and he didn't want her to go either. The last time she went to him, he didn't help her. Ben didn't see how this time would be any different. Luke never changed. He was self-righteous and dogmatic about his Jedi principals.

  
He saw Rey stand up and was surprised when she came and sat beside him. “What if by being here we make things worse?” she asked with a small voice. She was looking down at her hands and fidgeting.

  
He had been wondering that too. “We might. The more we change the less we can predict the future. We have to be careful,” he said.

  
He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how.

  
“I haven't said it yet, but I’m glad you’re here with me,” she said with a smile.

  
At her words his face warmed. “Me too. At first I thought you wouldn't remember,” he said. 

  
“Well, I do. I remember the good and the bad.”

  
“There were good parts?” He snorted.

  
“Us working together was good, even though it didn't turn out the way I hoped,” she said, and she surprised him again by reaching out and holding his hands in hers. 

  
At her touch, he was flooded with warmth. 

  
“I wasn't ready,” he explained, “I felt trapped by the choices I made. I thought that once I went down the Dark path, there was no way back.” He felt her gently squeeze his hands.

  
“The Light was always in you. I felt it. I believed in it,” she said, her voice soft.

  
He found himself rubbing his thumbs against her knuckles. “I wanted it gone,” he said looking down. 

  
“I'm happy that you didn't succeed. And I'm sorry for being too angry to listen to you,” she said.

  
“You don't owe me an apology,” he said, letting go of her hands.

  
“Maybe not, but I'm giving you one anyway. When I stabbed you, I realized that my anger was dangerous, that I may have more of my grandfather in me than I thought.” She was looking away from him.

  
“You don't,” he repeated.

  
“You can't know that.”

  
“I do.” He cupped her face in his hand and had her meet his gaze.

  
“How?” she asked, her eyes glassy. 

  
“Your grandfather wouldn't worry about hurting anyone. Yes, you have anger, and yes, the dark side calls to you, but there is so much Light in you. You will not be lost to the Dark. If I can come back from it, I don't believe you will ever fall.”

  
“Will you help me?” she asked, taking his other hand in hers. “Warn me when I am too close to the edge?”

  
“Yes, I'll do everything I can to keep you safe,” he promised, looking her in the eyes.

  
“I'll do what I can to protect you too,” she said. She let go of his hand and wrapped her arms around him.

  
He wrapped his arms around her. She fit so easily in his arms. 

  
She leaned her forehead on his shoulder, and he shivered as he felt her breath on his neck. “They don't get to have you back,” she said, her voice thick. 

  
He nodded, wanting to believe her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	4. Chapter 4

Rey felt rested. 

  
She was still curled up in the covers on her small cot. Laying in bed was not a luxury that she was used to. She knew she needed to get up, but she wanted to feel warm for a bit longer.

  
She was thankful for the privacy of her own room.

  
Rey tried not to think of what may have happened to the previous occupant. The Resistance may have won a victory by destroying Starkiller Base, but there were casualties. Last time more casualties followed; while the First Order may not have destroyed the Resistance, they did get their revenge. Only a handful of Resistance members escaped Crait on the _Millennium Falcon_. Over the next year they were able to rebuild, but she imagined what it could have been like if they didn’t _need_ to rebuild. How much _stronger_ would the Resistance have been if they had escaped the First Order sooner? 

  
The problem was that she didn't know enough about what happened to know how to stop it. She knew that without Holdo sacrificing herself to destroy the _Supremacy_ , the surviving members of the Resistance never would have made it to Crait. Finn and Rose wouldn't have escaped either. Would she still have made it to Chewie and the _Falcon_ and been able to help the Resistance escape? Or would the Resistance have been trapped?

  
She knew that if Ben had been thinking clearly, the Resistance would have had a much more difficult time escaping. No one else in the First Order would have been distracted by Luke the way he had been. There were so many points where everything could have turned so much worse. She worried that their interference would make things worse. 

  
The blankets were no longer cozy; instead, they felt too warm. In her worry, she had tossed and turned, tangling her blankets into a constricting hold. 

  
She sighed deeply and forced herself to get ready for the day. The clothes she chose to wear were the same ones she wore to Ahch-To; the familiarity of the thick grey fabric felt comforting. The outfit was comfortable and she definitely couldn't bring herself to wear the same clothes she wore on the _Supremacy_ again. 

  
As she wrapped her arm band around her right arm, she noticed the absence of the scar. Since Ben's face was no longer scarred, she knew that her scar must be gone too, but knowing and seeing were two different things. The scar that had looked like two hands about to touch had been a reminder of their bond, their fight together, and ultimately, how naïve she had been. She didn't know how she felt about it being gone.

  
She finished wrapping her right arm and moved on to her left.

  
Her face warmed as she thought about what had happened the night before. At first they talked, but then she had grown bold enough to take Ben’s hands in hers. She wanted to comfort him and herself. She flexed her fingers at the memory of his touch. When she held him, he held her back, and it felt so right to be in his arms.

  
It always felt right when they were together.

  
It was hard to keep her barriers up when she was around him. She knew him in a way she had never known anyone else, and he knew her too. It wasn't just the bond or their shared loneliness that brought them together. They had a shared darkness – a darkness that she hid from everyone else in her life – but there was also the Light. His Light had been blinding when she had first glimpsed it amid his darkness. Now though… now the Dark was no longer hiding the Light. They were both still there. She didn't think the Dark would ever leave him, but it was no longer trying smother his Light. 

  
***

  
She grabbed a piece of bread, which was more flavorful than the polystarch portion bread that she grew up with and a few slices of meat. There was also porridge, which she remembered was a bit sweeter than she liked for breakfast, but she took some anyway. After a second of hesitation, she also poured herself a glass of juice. 

  
“Rey,” she heard Finn call from across the mess hall, “come join us,” he said, waving her over. 

  
She smiled at him. It was awkward carrying her glass, bowl, and plate to the nearest table, so she used the Force to steady them.

  
“I'm impressed you didn't drop anything,” Poe said as she sat down.

  
“I would never waste food.” Rey dug in to her meal.

  
“Finn was catching me up on what happened on Starkiller Base. We wouldn't have succeeded without you both,” Poe said.

  
Rey nodded, still chewing her bread.

  
“You’re the one that blew it up,” Finn said, grinning at Poe before taking a bite of his food.

  
“Which wouldn’t have worked without the two of you,” Poe said, smiling widely. Fresh off a recent victory, Poe seemed lighter than he did in her time; his smile was brighter than she remembered it being.

  
Bread finished, Rey moved on to her porridge.

  
“But I have to tell you,” Poe continued, lowering his voice, “Kylo Ren took me prisoner too, so if you ever want to talk—”

  
“I'm fine,” she said, and then she kept eating. She knew it wasn’t fair, but she was tired of people offering to talk. They didn’t have enough context to understand what was happening – which she acknowledged was because she was keeping the truth from them – but it meant that their words rang hollow. 

  
Both Poe and Finn looked skeptical.

  
“No, _really_ ,” Rey said. She put her spoon down. “It's like I told Finn, I was able to fight back.” Even before she went into his mind, her fear had faded. Seeing his face, younger and more vulnerable looking than expected, made her see him as a person. Pushing into his mind confirmed the fear and loneliness she had already felt from him. 

  
“You fought Kylo Ren,” Poe said, sounding impressed. “How?” 

  
That was one of the things she liked about Poe, he believed in people. He had just met her and he still took her at her word. That’s one of the reasons he and Finn became such quick friends. 

  
“He tried to use the Force against me, so I used it against him,” she said, honestly, but also vaguely enough to keep the important parts that she wasn’t ready to share to herself.

  
“Are you a _Jedi_?” Poe asked, raising his eyebrows. He turned to Finn. “You never told me your friend was a Jedi.”

  
“I'm not a Jedi,” Rey said, not knowing what she was.

  
“But if you can use the Force, maybe Skywalker can teach you how to be a Jedi?” Poe’s eyes were lighting up. “Or maybe the General’s son could teach you?” He was smiling widely. 

  
“What?” Finn asked, brow furrowed. “Why would the General's son teach Rey?”

  
“I don’t know much about him,” Poe said, leaning over and speaking quietly enough that only her and Finn could hear, “but rumors say that he trained with Skywalker.” 

  
Finn glanced at her. She knew he was uncomfortable keeping Ben’s identity a secret, so she tried to steer the conversation away from Ben.

  
“I don’t know about training with Luke, but I will learn more about the Force,” Rey said.

  
*** 

  
After cleaning up her dishes, Rey made her way to the command centre with Poe and Finn. Poe had said that Leia could use their insights. 

  
“There you are,” a woman Rey had never met said to Poe. “The General sent me to get you.”

  
“Paige, that’s where we’re headed,” Poe said.

  
Rey’s mouth fell open at the name. This was Rose’s _sister_. Rey had never met her before, but Rose told her about Paige and how she died a hero. She was _alive_ , which meant she could be _saved_. 

  
Rey followed them to the command centre, too wrapped up in her thoughts to engage in conversation. 

  
When they arrived, Rey’s eyes immediately fell upon Rose – another friend that hadn’t met her yet – a friend who didn’t know that she was about to lose her sister. She was determined to make sure that Rose didn’t have to go though that loss again. 

  
She almost didn’t notice Ben, who was talking to Rose, because he was wearing _beige_. There was nothing wrong with the shirt; it was a button down that looked like it fit well enough, and he wore it with his sleeves rolled up. It was just that she had never seen him wear a colour other than black – not that he wasn’t wearing any black – his pants and boots were still black. Dressed casually, he looked more like Han than he ever did when he was dressed up as the Supreme Leader.

  
She wondered what Ben and Rose were talking about, but she got pulled into a conversation with Finn, Poe, and Paige. Getting to know Paige felt strange – Rey had been told stories about Paige – the type of stories that loved ones would tell about those they’ve lost – the type of stories that didn't give the full picture of a person. This Paige was the same Paige that was in Rose’s stories, but her humor was sharper, her smile was more strained – this was a Paige that was trying to hide the toll this fight was taking on her.

  
***

  
Everyone now knew about hyperspace tracking. Rey was worried that there didn’t seem to be much of a plan yet. They needed to figure something out quickly because—

  
“General? Excuse me, General?” C-3PO interrupted. “Artoo-Detoo may contain some much needed good news.”

  
“Tell me,” Leia said, slightly breathless.

  
The droid held everyone’s attention except Rey’s. She had lived this before, so she knew what was coming. She remembered R2-D2 and BB-8 showing the Resistance the completed map to Luke. Her attention was on Ben. 

  
She saw his eyes narrow at the hologram R2-D2 projected, and the she saw him stiffen as BB-8 projected a map. 

  
“Luke,” Leia said.

  
At his uncle’s name, Ben flinched and took a step back. 

  
No one else noticed Ben’s reaction, but amid the cheers and celebration, she felt his unease. 

  
_Are you okay?_ she asked, preferring not to draw attention to his reaction. 

  
_Looks like I finally found the droid_. He was glaring BB-8 like it had offended him, which she supposed may have been the case – he couldn't find the droid when he wanted to find Luke, and now when he didn't want to find Luke, the droid was in front of him with the map.

  
_You don’t look happy about it._

  
_Rey, I—_

  
Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by Leia approaching Ben.

  
Rey tried not to look too obvious about staring, but when she averted her eyes, she noticed that she wasn’t the only one watching.

  
“Ben,” Leia said, leading him away, “let’s go talk about Luke.” 

  
He stopped. “Rey should come with us,” he said, voice firm.

  
Leia looked surprised. “Why would—”

  
“She’s Force sensitive and this is about the Force.”

  
Leia nodded. She turned to Rey. “Are you okay with coming with us?”

  
“Of course,” Rey said. 

  
“What are you doing?” Finn asked, whispering in her ear. 

  
“It’s okay,” Rey said, trying to sound reassuring, “I need to learn about Luke, just like Poe said.”

  
“Do you want me to go with you?” Finn asked, still speaking quietly. 

  
“I’ll be fine,” Rey said. 

  
Finn looked like he wanted to say something else, but just nodded.

  
***

  
Rey followed Leia and Ben to the same meeting room from the day before and took a seat. The mess of emotions that Ben was feeling was affecting her; she could feel her heart racing. 

  
“We don't need him,” Ben said as soon as the door shut. 

  
Leia sat down. “Ben—”

  
“We already have everything we need,” Ben said, cutting Leia off; he was pacing around the room. He seemed agitated in a way she hadn’t seen before. She knew what he was like when he was angry, and this wasn’t it. 

  
“No,” Leia said, “you got away from Snoke’s influence, which I am so grateful for, but you are not powerful enough to fight him on your own. We need Luke.” Leia’s voice was calm and steady.

  
“Rey and I—” 

  
“You cannot beat Snoke on your own.” Leia sounded certain, but Rey knew she was wrong. 

  
And Ben knew it too. “You’re wrong,” he said.

  
“She hasn’t been trained,” Leia said, giving Rey an apologetic glance. 

  
Leia had every reason to believe this was true. It still hurt to hear Leia say it because Leia trained her – _believed_ in her even when she doubted herself– 

  
“Don’t underestimate her,” Ben said. 

  
Rey felt warm at his words. 

  
“I’m not, but I know better than to underestimate Snoke.”

  
Rey remembered how much pain he caused her – how afraid she was when she faced him – how it was Ben that saved her. Snoke was powerful, but she knew Snoke was _nothing_ compared to Palpatine. 

  
“And I know that Rey and I can beat him.” He sat next to Rey and looked intently at her. “Do you agree?”

  
“I do,” Rey said, sounding more confident than she felt. Last time Ben had the element of surprise. After leaving the First Order and being cut off from Snoke’s influence, he must suspect that Ben would go after him. She was certain that they could beat him, but this time he might be more difficult to kill. 

  
Ben smiled at her words.

  
“But,” Rey continued, “it might be easier with Luke’s help.”

  
His smile faded. 

  
Even if they were to beat Snoke again without Luke, Rey knew that they would need Luke for Palpatine. He faced Palpatine and _won_. No one else could say that. 

  
“Luke can help us,” Leia said. She reached towards Ben’s hands, but he pulled them back before she could touch him. 

  
“Why isn’t he _here_?” Ben asked, raising his hands in question, voice getting louder. “If he was this _savior_ that you’re making him out to be, why is he hiding away?” He was almost yelling. 

  
“You would know the answer to that better than I would,” Leia said, her voice like steel. 

  
The silence was deafening. Leia looked like she wanted to take back her words. She opened her mouth and then closed it. 

  
Ben stood up – the sound of his chair scraping against the floor broke the silence – and he walked out of the room without looking back. 

  
***

  
Rey wanted to go after him, but she hesitated. She looked over at Leia and saw her with her eyes closed and head bowed. She wanted to know why Leia pushed so hard when Ben clearly wasn’t ready. 

  
Leia took a deep breath, sat up straight, and opened her eyes. “I shouldn’t have said that,” Leia said at last. 

  
“No,” Rey agreed, “so why did you?”

  
“Because I don’t understand what happened between my son and Luke – why Ben fell – or why Luke disappeared,” Leia said, clearly rattled, but still steady. Rey had always admired Leia’s composure. She wondered how much of it came from being a princess and how much came from Leia being Leia. 

  
“How much do you know?” Rey asked. Luke hadn’t been honest with her. She wondered how honest he had been with his sister. 

  
“After Ben… left, Luke sent me a message to tell me about Ben and the other students. He said that he had to learn more about the Force. I thought he needed time, but I never thought he would be gone for so long.” 

  
Rey recognized that hurt. It’s the same hurt that Rey felt when Luke refused to train her. It was the hurt of someone you admired letting you down. 

  
“And my son is finally back,” Leia continued, “but he’s still so _angry_. I don’t know how to help him.”

  
“Ben’s not angry at Luke – not really,” Rey said, leaning towards Leia.

  
“He seemed pretty angry.” Leia’s raised her eyebrows.

  
“He’s afraid.” 

  
Leia leaned towards her. “What makes you say that?”

  
“I felt it though the Force. Yes, there is some anger, but it comes from a place of fear – Ben is _afraid_ to see Luke again – afraid of what Luke will do when he sees him.” She remembered what she was told of Ben’s encounter with Luke on Crait, that it was more of a distraction – a _humiliating_ distraction – rather than a real encounter that would offer any closure. Luke wasn’t really there to face Ben; he was there to help the Resistance escape. 

  
“Why would Ben be afraid of Luke?” Leia asked. 

  
“That’s something Ben or Luke should tell you. Not me,” Rey said softly. 

  
“You have a lot of insight into my son for someone that’s only known him for a couple days,” Leia said, head tilted. 

  
“Did Han tell you about what happened when Ben interrogated me?” It was as good of an explanation as she had for their familiarity. It didn’t explain everything, but it has the benefit of being true. She did start to understand him when she pushed into his mind.

  
“He did,” Leia said, “and based on that I would have expected you be more… wary of him. You almost seem to trust him.”

  
“It’s not about trust…” Rey bit her lip, struggling to come up with the words to explain. “Seeing into his mind – I can sense him – _understand_ him in a way I don’t know anyone else. I know what his fear feels like, and that was what I felt coming off of him in waves.”

  
Leia started at Rey for a moment before speaking. “I think Ben’s right that you have an important role to play in all of this.” Leia paused for a moment. “You should be the one to go to Luke and bring him back.”

  
“What makes you think I would be able to convince him to help?” Rey asked. 

  
“I don’t think he’ll need much convincing.”

  
“Ben’s right. If that were true, he would already be here.” Luke hadn’t wanted to help her the first time. She didn’t think this time would be any different. 

  
“Luke’s a teacher. He needs another student.”

  
“I’ll go,” Rey agreed, “but only if Ben goes with me.”

  
Leia narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? He won’t want to go.”

  
“No, he won’t want to,” Rey agreed, “but he needs to face Luke.” As she spoke, she grew more certain. Rey knew that she wouldn’t be able to convince Luke to come with her – she hadn’t convinced him the first time – but maybe Ben could. Something about bringing Ben to Ahch-To felt right. Their bond connected them when she was there. Would the island provide more answers this time?

  
“I can’t make him go with you.” Leia sighed. 

  
“I’ll talk to him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: self-harm
> 
> Ben hasn't learned healthy ways to regulate his emotions. More details in the end notes.

“Luke can help us,” his mom said, reaching towards him.

  
Ben pulled away. “Why isn't he _here_? If he was this _savior_ that you’re making him out to be, why is he hiding away?”

  
“You would know the answer to that better than I would.” 

  
There was a pounding in his ears that drowned out the rest of the sound in the room. Everything became hazy. He had to get away.

  
His throat was tight. He needed room to breathe. 

  
He found himself outside and far away from the base. The humidity did not make it any easier to breathe. He wiped sweat from his brow. In the jungle everything was green—

  
_Like Luke's lightsaber_.

  
He felt himself react. In his mind he saw himself lash out with the Force. His body lashed out with his fists. Again and again and–

  
He stopped. 

  
He felt himself gasping for breath.

  
The tree in front of him was barely standing. There were marks where his fists had hit it. He found himself touching the bark where it had been split by his punches. The feel of it helped to ground him. 

  
“Hey, are you okay?”

  
Ben flinched, startled by the sudden sound. He turned around and saw Rose who looked concerned. He shrugged in response to her question.

  
After a moment of looking unsure, Rose took a couple steps towards him and said, “I've been told I'm a good listener, so I'm here if you want to talk.”

  
He didn't say anything. He didn't know if he could speak. His focus, which had been so narrow moments before, was just starting to widen. He could hear the leaves rustling from the breeze. The air was thick against his skin. 

  
“But we don't have to talk,” Rose said. 

  
He knew he was in the jungle of D'Qar listening to Rose speak, but he was detached – like he was seeing this moment through a thick fog. 

  
“Sometimes – for me at least – it helps to have some company when I'm upset,” Rose continued.

  
Ben nodded, not knowing what he was agreeing to. 

  
She sat across from him, still a few meters away, and crossed her legs.

  
Ben found himself mimicking her. He was reminded of countless hours spent meditating at the Jedi temple. He shut down that line of thought. He didn't want to think about the temple.

  
“When I was younger, I used to disappear on my family. I wasn't running away – I just needed to get away sometimes – clear my head,” Rose said.

  
He was paying more attention to her words now.

  
“That's why I'm out here,” she continued. “I needed some time to myself.”

  
_I should go_ , he thought. He started to stand.

  
“No—” Rose put her hand up, gesturing for him to stop. “I didn't mean that you needed to go. I just needed a break from the pressure of the evacuation. My sister means well, but she tends to list every single thing that could possibly go wrong, and I just can't handle that right now.”

  
“I'm not very good company.” He had never been someone that people wanted to spend time with. He was too serious, too intense, too powerful. 

  
If she was surprised by him speaking, she didn't show it. “You don't need to be,” she said kindly. 

  
“Why did you approach me?” It would have been smarter to ignore him. Everyone on the _Finalizer_ knew to stay away from him in his more volatile moments. Nobody would have dared to approach him, let alone start talking to him.

  
“You looked like you shouldn't be alone.” 

  
He squeezed his eyes shut. “You'd be safer if you stayed away from me.” He’d agreed not to tell anyone who he was, but that didn’t mean that he’d pretend not to be dangerous. It was the least he could do in response to her kindness. 

  
“Because you’re angry?” she asked. At his nod she continued. “You're not the only one who's angry here.”

  
“You're not,” he said.

  
“Of course I’m angry!” Rose said, surprising him. She exhaled and dropped her shoulders, looking like she was purposefully trying to let the tension out. “That's why I joined the Resistance.”

  
“What happened?” He regretted the words as soon as they came out. He could guess what happened. 

  
“The First Order mined and polluted my home. After they took our resources, they tested their weapons on my planet. Paige is the only family I have left.”

  
“You're from Hays Minor. That’s why you jointed the Resistance.” While he hadn’t personally shelled Hays Minor, he’d known about it. _What would she think_ , he wondered, _if she knew who she was talking to?_ His stomach churned at the thought of her finding out. 

  
“That's why I blew up twelve OreDiggers,” she said, her lips curling up into a slightly smug smile. 

  
“I’m impressed.” And he was – not just for her successful attack on the First Order, but because she _survived_.

  
“Paige and I joined the Resistance because our parents asked us to,” Rose said. She paused for a moment as if she was debating what to say next. “Why did you join the Resistance?”

  
“I'm not sure I have… my dad asked me to come home and this is where my family is. I've done things I regret – hurt my family.”

  
“You're here now.”

  
He was, but he didn’t make that choice the first time, and he had to live with the knowledge of what he did. He wouldn’t have been able to make a different choice without his mom’s help freeing his mind. He had thought he was too far gone into the Dark to ever find his way back out. 

  
“That's not enough to make up for what I've done.”

  
“Maybe not,” Rose said, “but maybe that's not the point. Are you here to balance your score sheet or because it's the _right_ thing to do? The past matters, but so does the present.”

  
For him, this was the past, but he knew how easy it was to fall into the trap of obsessing about everything that had gone wrong.

  
_Let the past die. Kill it if you have to._

  
That's what Rey and him were here for, wasn't it? They had to kill their past to make a better present. 

  
“What happened to your hands?” Rose’s eyes were wide.

  
He looked down and saw that they were bleeding. He hadn't noticed – the pain hadn't registered until he looked at them. 

  
“I, uh…” he trailed off.

  
“Lets go get you some bacta.”

  
***

  
Rose stayed with him while he cleaned up his hands and applied the bacta. He was surprised that he didn’t mind. He wasn't used to people wanting to be around him. He knew it wouldn't last – not once she knew who he was – so he wouldn't let himself get used to it. 

  
Most of the medical equipment had already been packed away, so they got the bacta from the _Falcon_ , which was – thankfully – empty. Even though he was feeling steadier, he didn’t want to see the disappointment in his dad’s eyes when he realized that his son still couldn’t control his emotions. Being free of outside influence didn’t mean that he was stable. The dark side didn’t tear at him with the same intensity, but it was still there. It had been part of him for his whole life; he knew that wouldn’t change.

  
The _Falcon_ was different than it was when he was a child. The medical kit wasn't where he thought it would be, but he managed to find some bacta in the cockpit. It was under one of the passenger chairs, which he was now sitting on. Rose took the other passenger chair.

  
Once he was done with his hands, he looked over at Rose – she seemed in awe of the _Falcon_. He'd never admit it, but he was always a little bit in awe of the _Falcon_ too. He grew up on the stories of his dad's exploits on it, but rarely did he get to take part in any of his dad's adventures.

  
“What's it like to fly the _Millennium Falcon_?”

  
“I wouldn't know.”

  
Rose’s eyes widened. “I would have thought Han Solo would have taught his son to fly when he was still in diapers.”

  
“Oh, he _tried_ , but the _Falcon_ was for when I was older. He lost the _Falcon_ before I could fly it.” He was always told that he had to wait until he was old enough, but he was sent to Luke when he was still too young – and then Jedi training kept him away from the _Falcon_. Even if his dad hadn’t lost the _Falcon_ , he doubted he would’ve ever had the opportunity to fly it.

  
***

  
He sensed the familiar warmth of Rey’s presence before he heard her coming. 

  
When she arrived, she looked back and forth between him and Rose with her mouth slightly open. He saw her look at his hands with concern when she noticed the bacta. 

  
“Rey and I need to talk,” he said to Rose. 

  
She raised her eyebrows in response and didn’t say anything. 

  
“We need to talk alone,” he clarified.

  
Rose nodded. “I should check on my sister anyway. She'll be wondering where I am.” She gave the cockpit one last wistful look before she left.

  
***

  
Rey took Rose’s vacant seat. “You hurt yourself,” she said, leaning towards him and taking his hands. She was gentle as she checked the injury. 

  
“I didn’t mean to,” he answered honestly, not sure whether the truth was more alarming or reassuring. 

  
“What happened?”

  
He looked down.

  
“Hey,” he heard her say, and then he her fingers gently tilted his head up so that he was looking at her. “I’m not here to judge you. I just want to find out if you are okay.” Her eyes were shining. 

  
He swallowed. “I don’t remember exactly what happened.”

  
“If it’s too much you don’t have to—”

  
“No, I _want_ to explain,” he said, leaning back into his chair. “Talking about Luke – it was too much – the idea of seeing him…” Ben swallowed. “After Crait I thought I would never see him again, and I was relieved.” The words came out quickly, and he stumbled over a few of them. “And it’s not just Luke that’s back.”

  
“Snoke,” she said with understanding. Rey put her hand on Ben’s knee and gave him a comforting squeeze. The touch calmed him and his breathing slowed down to a more normal pace. 

  
“I thought I was free from my masters, but then I discovered that Palpatine was back. It was like everything I had done didn’t matter. Once again, I was someone else’s weapon.”

  
“You’re more than a weapon.”

  
“I’m dangerous. I can’t control myself. That’s what happened with…” he brought his hands up and looked at his knuckles that were still healing beneath the bacta. “I found myself hitting a tree over and over until I calmed down.”

  
“Did it help?”

  
“At first, yes. There’s always some relief,” he admitted, “but it doesn't last.”

  
“You’ll find something that helps that won’t hurt you so much,” she said, her eyes glassy. “I’ll help you.”

  
*** 

  
“What did you and my mom talk about after I left?”

  
Rey sighed. “Maybe we should talk about this later.” 

  
“No, let’s do this now.” He was feeling more centered than he had felt earlier, and he wanted to finish this conversation as soon as possible.

  
She held his gaze. “Leia wants me to go to Luke.”

  
Ben exhaled. _Of course she does_ , he thought. He wanted to ask Rey to stay with him instead of leaving, but he didn’t think she would. She had already told him that she thought Luke could help against Palpatine. Resigned, he asked, “When are you leaving?”

  
“I told her I wouldn't go without you.”

  
_No._

  
Ben’s stomach tightened. “That's not happening. It's a terrible—”

  
“Then we're not going,” she said with a soft voice. 

  
His mouth fell open. “Really?”

  
She laughed dryly. “It didn't exactly go well the first time I went.” 

  
“And you think it'd go better with _me_?” he asked, pushing his hair back. There’s no way Luke would trust her if she was with _him_. 

  
“Honestly, I _do_. I think you’re the only person who could convince Luke to help.”

  
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I don’t even think we _need_ Luke to help us. How do you expect me to convince him if I’m not convinced that he can help?”

  
“The Luke I met… he was so defeated. I think that seeing you might give him hope again.”

  
“You’re wrong.”

  
“I could be. I wish I knew what the right thing to do was – how to save the Resistance, defeat Palpatine, and stay in the Light – but I don’t. All I have is a feeling, and that feeling is telling me that it’s important that we stay together.”

  
He felt that too. Being together felt right in a way that nothing else did. 

  
“I’ll never trust him,” he said, exhaling sharply, “and he’ll never believe in me.” Luke had always thought there was something wrong with him. That’s why he was always kept him at arms reach – far enough away to never really give him a chance, but close enough to keep an eye on him. 

  
“Maybe not,” Rey said, “but maybe we need to go for more than just Luke.” She gave a slight smile.

  
“Why else would—” 

  
“The island he’s on – Ahch-To – the Force is strong there. We may get answers—” 

  
Realization hit. “That’s where you were when we first started seeing each other.”

  
She nodded. “The first Jedi temple was built there, and there are ancient Jedi texts.”

  
“You think the books will have the answers we need?”

  
She opened her mouth and then closed it without answering. 

  
He sensed her apprehension. There was something familiar about the look in her eyes. Where had he seen that look before? “You want to go back to the cave,” he said, remembering her telling him what happened – the hope she felt when she found it – the disappointment she felt when it didn’t give her the answers she was looking for. “But it didn’t give you the answers you were looking for last time.”

  
“No, I asked to see my parents, but all I saw was myself.”

  
“You said that you had never felt so alone.”

  
“You helped me feel less alone.”

  
This time he took her hand in his, careful of the bacta. Warmth flooded through him as they touched.

  
“Why would you want to go back there?”

  
“I think I was asking the wrong questions.” She leaned forward. “Ahch-To is where we first connected. We may be able to learn more if we work together.”

  
He felt a surge of hope at her words. He wondered if it was her hope that he was feeling. He didn’t want to believe that this was the right thing to do, but it was hard to deny it when the Force was humming in approval.

  
***

  
His dad looked surprised when he saw Ben and Rey in the cockpit of the _Falcon_. He took the pilot’s seat in front of Ben and turned to face him. He stared at Ben and Rey's hands, but didn’t comment about the hand holding or the bacta.

  
“They have the map to Luke,” Ben said, reluctantly letting go of Rey's hand to fully face his dad.

  
“I heard,” his dad said.

  
Ben guessed that his dad had been to see his mom. He wondered if she sent his dad to check on him.

  
“Will you go with us?” Ben asked, getting straight to the point. He knew that if he overthought it, he would never go. As much as he didn’t want to see Luke, he could feel the force practically singing in agreement with his decision to go. 

  
“You're going?” His dad sounded surprised.

  
Rey’s eyes were wide. Her surprise was warranted since he hadn’t told her that he would go with her yet. He hadn’t decided until he said the words. 

  
_Are you sure?_ he heard Rey ask in his mind.

  
_No, not at all, but I think we have to take the chance._

  
“Rey’s going too,” Ben said.

  
“Your mom didn’t think—”

  
“Neither did I, but there’s something important there.”

  
“Luke will—”

  
“Not just Luke,” Rey said, cutting in. “Ahch-To is the home of the original Jedi temple. There is so much we could learn there.”

  
Ben was grateful for her explanation. He wasn’t going for Luke, and it wasn’t just that he wasn’t ready to face him. He didn’t think they needed Luke – not with him and Rey working together. 

  
“So _that’s_ what convinced you,” his dad said with a knowing grin. “You always did have your nose in a book.”

  
“We need to learn more if we are going to win against Pal—” He stopped himself mid-word and tried to cover for his mistake. “The First Order.”

  
“He’s right.” Rey looked at his dad. “Our enemy is stronger than anyone either of us has ever faced before.”

  
“Are you coming with us?” Ben asked again. 

  
“Of course I’ll go with you.” His dad got up and clasped Ben’s shoulder. “Are you sure that you are okay to face Luke?” he asked, his voice serious. 

  
“No.” Ben closed his eyes and let out a breath. He opened his eyes and looked at his dad and then at Rey. “I don’t know if we have enough time to wait for me to be ready.”

  
“You won’t be alone.” Rey gave him a warm smile. 

  
“We’ll be there with you, son.”

  
He took a small amount of comfort from there words, but he didn’t think it would be enough to make the experience bearable. He had no idea how Luke would react to seeing him again. Would Luke try to kill him again? How would Rey and his family look at him if he killed Luke? Even if it was self-defense, would they believe him?

  
Rey might. She saw what Luke did. 

  
But what would his parents believe? He didn’t know how his dad would react, but his mom… she always admired Luke. 

  
He tried to push down his worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben repeatedly punches a tree as a form of destructive anger in response to traumatic memories.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	6. Chapter 6

“You're going,” Leia said, looking stunned. 

  
Han had been the one to tell Leia that he would be going with Rey _and_ Ben to Ahch-To. They were all crowded into Leia's quarters, which were a good size, but cluttered because Leia was in the process of packing. 

  
Rey's attention was caught by the gleam of the jewelry that was being packed away. It was one thing to see Leia wearing a gold bracelet or a ring with a large stone, but it was another to see it all in one place. Rey knew that Leia didn't have all her possessions with the Resistance. She wondered how many more fine things Leia owned. 

  
Everything Rey had on Jakku was scavenged or traded. She was proud of the way she was able to be self-sufficient. Unlike other scavengers who were barely able to trade for enough portions to survive, Rey was able to trade for enough portions and occasionally for more – like the nightwatcher-worm casing lamps she had that were made by a Tuanul village artisan. 

  
She wasn't envious of Leia's jewelry. If she had the money, she would buy herself something much more practical – maybe a ship or a droid. Still, being around all these signs of wealth left her feeling out of place.

  
Rey noticed Leia's eyes on her, and she wondered what she was thinking. Was she wondering how Rey had convinced Ben to go with her? Rey herself was still wondering that. As important as she thought it was for them both to go to Ahch-To, she had her doubts about Luke – talking with Ben only solidified those doubts. He was haunted by what Luke had almost done. 

  
Ben surprised her when he told Han that they were going to Luke. She felt a mix of relief and trepidation at his announcement. She remembered how the Resistance described his confrontation with Luke, how unhinged he seemed. She worried about what facing Luke would do to him, and she hoped that her and Han would be enough to keep him from coming undone. 

  
“The Resistance needs Luke and the hope he will inspire,” Leia continued.

  
Leia was right about Luke inspiring hope; he came through in the end, sacrificing his life to provided the distraction the Resistance needed to escape Crait. Rey wanted to believe that her and Ben had changed enough to make his sacrifice unnecessary. The Resistance knew about hyperspace tracking and they had Ben with them, so surely they would be able to escape the First Order – for a time at least.

  
“Don't get your hopes up,” Ben said. He moved away from the wall that he was leaning on and straightened. Rey could feel his frustration though their bond. 

  
Han started to speak. “Ben—”

  
“We can't force him to come back,” Ben said, crossing his arms. His jaw was tense.

  
Rey had told Ben that she thought Luke was more likely to come back once he saw him, and she still believed that, but she agreed that they couldn’t force Luke to help. She had thought that the Luke she left on Ahch-To would never have helped the Resistance, but then he had surprised her by doing exactly that. Was is Leia who convinced him? Or had he been afraid of what she would do once she joined Ben?

  
“No, we can't, but once he knows we need him, he'll come through,” Leia said, voice soft yet confident.

  
Han was watching the scene warily, his eyes splitting time between Ben and Leia.

  
Rey found herself disappointed by their family dynamic. For so long she had felt resentment towards Ben because he left the family she wished was hers. Now she was starting to see the cracks. She saw how Leia focused on the big picture – how she could lose sight of the people in her life for her mission. It’s part of what made her such a great general. Han, who always had something to say for the short time she knew him, was strangely quiet – like he was used to hanging back and observing Leia and their son arguing. 

  
“How long has it been since you last spoke to Luke?” Rey asked, already having some idea of the answer. 

  
“ _Years_ ,” Leia answered.

  
“So how do you know he's the same person you remember?” The Luke she met was not the Luke that Leia described. Even if he did come back, Rey needed Leia to be prepared for a different man than the one she seemed to expect. “What if the man you remember no longer exists?”

  
“Then we'll adapt,” Leia said with no hint of uncertainty. Leia directed her attention to Ben “If you don't think Luke will help, why did you agree to go?” she asked.

  
“I'm not going for Luke,” Ben said.

  
Leia's eyes cut towards Rey before going back to her son. “I know that this isn’t going to be easy for you. Please know that I am grateful that you’re here – that you’re also helping is more than I allowed myself to hope was possible.”

  
Rey felt anguish at her words. Slowly, she realized the anguish belonged to Ben. She saw him squeeze his eyes shut.

  
Rey could tell that Leia was being genuine about her gratitude, but she wasn't sure if Ben could. She wondered how often they saw each other once he began his training under Luke. How well did they know each other _before_ he joined Snoke? Han admitted that Leia understood their son better. Seeing how they interacted, Rey could tell how limited that understanding was. She realized that she knew both Ben and Leia much better than they knew each other. 

  
Han broke the tension by telling them that Chewie would go with them, which Rey was happy to hear. The conversation shifted focus towards planning their next steps. They were going to be leaving as soon as possible, which meant that they were leaving a full rotation earlier than she had left originally.

  
The room was still tense, but slowly everyone in the room started to relax as they discussed less heavy topics. There was a lot of hurt for all of them to unpack, but they clearly cared about one another. There was time for their family to heal. Rey tried not to be envious of them.

  
***

  
Rey went to her room to pack up her belongings. All she had were her quarterstaff, the clothes she left Jakku with, her lightsaber, and what the Resistance had been able to give her. Everything she had fit in one small bag. 

  
She wondered what became of her AT-AT on Jakku.

  
She had been lucky to find that green spinebarrel outside the walker. Without it, she may not have paid close enough attention to realize the cooling unit still worked. Over the years she was able to make it feel like her own. Curtains covered the worst of the battle damage. She had a workbench that allowed her to clean and salvage parts on her own without having to pay to use Unkar Plutt's; the extra portions saved her many times. She installed motion sensors and electroshock traps that worked to keep her and her belongings secure. While she didn't think of the AT-AT as home – she had been waiting for her parents to come back and bring her home – it was _hers_. 

  
She felt foolish for having waited for her parents for so long. Yes, they sold her to keep her safe, but that wasn't a comforting thought. Maybe they intended on coming back for her, but since they were killed, she wouldn't ever know. If she ever had a child, she would never abandon them – not even to protect them. There had to be another way, a _better_ way. 

  
She felt the familiar stirrings of anger and wondered, not for the first time, what the driving force behind her anger was. Did it come from being a Palpatine? Or was it a product of her childhood? Who would she have been if she hadn't spent so much of her life struggling to survive – if her parents hadn't left her?

  
She knew she was teetering close to the edge; the dark side was so close to her fingertips that it wouldn't take much for her to fall. She looked at her hand, remembering the sparks that had turned into lightening. While she was lucky that Chewie had not been on the transport vessel that she blew up, she still killed with Force lightning. She knew from being in Ben's mind that Force lightning was a dark side power that he had never mastered.

  
_What does it mean that I can?_

  
Ben coming back from the Dark gave her hope. It showed her that using the dark side didn't mean that it had to shape the rest of your life. Ben had never been entirely Dark or entirely Light. She wondered if he was on his way to finding a place between the dark side and the light side.

  
_Our paths are intertwined._

  
That thought had scared her when Ben was the Supreme Leader. Now… it provided comfort. Maybe they could figure out how to find balance together.

  
She slung the bag filled with her belongings over one shoulder and grabbed her quarterstaff.

  
***

  
D’Qar was a beautiful planet. Beyond the Resistance base and away from the busy and somewhat chaotic preparations for departure was the jungle. After a lifetime of desert, Rey appreciated the sunning colours of the jungle. It was overwhelmingly green, but the flora and fauna provided pops of colour.

  
On her way to the _Falcon_ she heard Poe call her name. 

  
“Ready to get out of here?” Poe said, nodding towards her bag. 

  
“All packed,” Rey said, joining Poe who was with Paige and a few other Resistance members that she didn’t recognize. 

  
“Good,” Poe said, “the First Order doesn't stand a chance against us.” He grinned.

  
Rey raised her eyebrows. “How can you be sure?”

  
“We're going to cause a distraction,” Paige said, gesturing between her and Poe. Her posture was stiff, but she had an air of readiness. “It'll allow everyone to slip away.” 

  
Rey felt a chill at her words. Would this be what killed Paige? She worried that this would be the last time she would see her. _How can I save her?_ Rey thought. She couldn't stop Paige from helping. And what would happen to the Resistance if she did?

  
Rey looked at Poe. His posture was relaxed, and she could tell that he was confident in the Resistance’s plan. He hadn't yet learned the heavy toll this fight against the First Order could take. She worried that this time the lesson might be much harsher.

  
“We'll see you again once we all get out of here,” Paige said with a smile.

  
“Actually, I’m not going with you,” Rey said, and she could see their surprise. Both Paige and Poe started to speak at the same time, trying to convince her to stay with the Resistance. Rey raised her hand, halting their protests. “I'm going to find Luke.”

  
“I knew you were going to become a Jedi,” Poe said, looking relieved.

  
Paige’s eyes lit up at the idea. 

  
“He might not train me,” she said, reminding them both not to get their hopes up.

  
“Of _course_ he will!” Poe said, and his confidence – misplaced as she knew it was – brought a slight smile to her face. “This is great news for the Resistance. With you and Skywalker on our side, the First Order won't know what hit them.”

  
For a moment Rey let herself believe that Poe was right – that the First Order didn't stand a chance against the Resistance – against her and Ben who were here to change the future. 

  
She said her goodbyes to Paige and Poe, hoping that they would both be alive when returned to the Resistance. 

  
“Wait,” Poe called out as she was walking away, “Finn was looking for you.” 

  
Rey stopped and turned around. “I'll go find him,” she said, feeling a hint of apprehension. She wanted to see Finn, but she didn't want to hurt him by leaving.

  
***

  
After talking to a few people, Rey found Finn at the _Raddus_. 

  
He gave her a wide grin as soon as he saw her, and she couldn't help smiling back. “Hey, where have you been?” Finn asked.

  
“I was with Leia,” Rey said, leaving out Ben and Han for now. “I'm going to go find Luke.”

  
“Does that mean he'll show you how to use that thing?” He nodded at her lightsaber.

  
“That's part of the plan,” Rey said. She wasn't sure whether Luke would choose to teach her this time, but she knew there was useful information in the Jedi texts on Ahch-To. In her time she had barely scratched the surface. She wondered if Ben might have some insights into their meaning. Even after translation, the texts were dense and hard to interpret. While reading them she had felt like she was missing vital information that would help add context to their teachings.

  
“When are you going?” Finn asked.

  
“Now,” Rey answered. “I'm on my way to the _Falcon_ and then we’re leaving.”

  
“I could go with you,” he said, looking her in the eyes. 

  
“Finn…”

  
“Hear me out.” Finn sounded serious. “I know I'm not a Jedi, but we should stick together. The Resistance doesn't need me. I don't know what my place is here.”

  
Rey wanted to tell him yes, but she knew it wasn't a good idea. It was going to be tense enough having Ben and Luke together – adding Finn was a recipe for disaster.

  
“This is something I need to do on my own,” Rey said kindly. “Besides, the Resistance needs you with them.” Rey knew that Finn was an integral part of the Resistance. 

  
“Right now they need pilots and bombers. That’s not me.”

  
“No, but you have so much to offer – you’re brave, a good shot, and you have inside knowledge of the First Order. The Resistance would be lucky to have you.” She remembered the way he almost fled Takodana. She knew Finn was afraid, but she also knew that he would find purpose with the Resistance. 

  
“Maybe,” Finn said, “but it feels wrong to leave you so soon after getting you back.”

  
“I’ll be fine,” she said. Rey was confident that going to Ahch-To was the right choice. 

  
“You’re right.” Finn let out a deep breath. “You’re probably going to be the safest out of all of us – I’ve heard stories about Luke Skywalker. If you learn a fraction of what I’ve heard he can do, you’ll be one of the most dangerous people out there.”

  
“I hope so.” Rey sighed.

  
“You don’t sound very confident.”

  
“I just don’t want to be disappointed,” Rey said. Luke had already disappointed her once. She wasn’t ready to put her trust in him yet. 

  
_***_

  
Almost at the _Falcon_ , Rey was ready to say goodbye to Finn. She moved to give him a hug, but was interrupted. 

  
“Rey, good, you’re ready,” Ben said, exiting the _Falcon_. She thought she saw a hint of a smile on his face. “We're almost ready to go.”

  
“You're going with _him_?” Finn’s eyes widened.

  
Rey winced. “I am.”

  
Finn looked between her and Ben and then he motioned for her to follow him. 

  
***

  
A short distance away from the _Falcon_ – far enough away that Ben wouldn’t hear them, but close enough that they could still see him – Finn started taking. “I'm not sure that this is a good idea,” he said in a low voice. Tension radiated off of him in waves. 

  
“I'll be fine,” Rey said. She squeezed his shoulder in a way that she hoped was reassuring. “Han and Chewie are going with us. You don't need to worry.”

  
“I can’t help it. Every time I see him I remember the village he ordered us to slaughter on Jakku.”

  
“I can take care of myself.”

  
“I know you can,” Finn said. “But don't underestimate him.”

  
“I won't.” She knew what he was capable of – both good and bad.

  
“He's different than I expected,” Finn said, surprising Rey.

  
“What do you mean?”

  
“He seems almost like a normal guy.” He shrugged. “If I didn’t know who he was, I wouldn’t be afraid of him – intimidated maybe.” 

  
“What did you know about him when you were with the First Order?”

  
Finn stared at Ben. “Nothing. Just rumors.” He took a deep breath and looked at Rey. “No one knew if he was human – some said that he must have been a droid – others said he was a vengeful spirit. The one thing everyone agreed on was how _dangerous_ he was – how _volatile_.”

  
“He’s human,” Rey said. She remembered her own surprise the first time she saw him take off the mask. He was so much younger than she expected, and his eyes were so much more expressive; he didn’t look like a monster.

  
“Don’t let that fool you. Humans can be monsters too.”

  
“I won’t,” she said.

  
“Are you _sure_ you don't want me to go with you?”

  
“I am." Rey smiled. "Thank you for offering.”

  
***

  
Finn had insisted on talking to Ben before she left. She tried to explain that it was unnecessary, but Finn was determined. 

  
“I don't trust you,” Finn said. He crossed his arms, which hid his hands, but Rey could still see that they were trembling. 

  
Ben raised his eyebrows. “I know.”

  
“If you hurt her, I'll—”

  
“Kill me?” Ben gestured with his arms, palms out. “You have my permission. I won't defend myself.”

  
“I’m serious,” Finn said, sounding frustrated.

  
“So am I.”

  
The two men were starting at each other. 

  
Rey cut in. “I’ll miss you,” she said to Finn, giving him a hug. 

  
Finn let go of her and held her arms. “How will you find us?” 

  
“We've got a cloaked binary beacon,” Ben answered, showing them the beacon. “We'll find you.”

  
*** 

  
“I didn't know he was with you,” Ben said, following her into the crew cabin where she put her bag on the bunk closest to the refresher. 

  
“It's fine,” she said shrugging. At his skeptical look she continued. “Yes, it is. I needed to tell him anyway – finding out from you just made things a bit more… complicated.” She sat down.

  
He sat on the bunk across from her. “I didn't mean to make things complicated.”

  
“Finn's my friend. While he isn't thrilled that I'm going with you, he understands why I need to go. He trusts me when I say it’s important.”

  
“I'm glad you have a friend that cares,” he said quietly.

  
“He's my first friend.”

  
“That _can't_ be true.”

  
“It is. I didn't fit in with the other scavengers on Jakku – couldn't trust them not to stab me in the back,” she said. After spending years alone, being around so many new people in the Resistance was a difficult adjustment. That’s part of why her and Finn got a long so well – friendship was new to them both. “You must have had friends growing up.” 

  
“No, I didn't fit in either,” he said. 

  
She could see that. Having the Force from such a young age would have made him stand out from his peers, but he spent time with other Force users. They must have understood each other. “Not even at Luke's temple?”

  
“Not even then.” He sighed. “I wonder if that was my own fault. I never let anyone get close enough to me to be considered a friend, but if I had… maybe things would have been different.”

  
“Was there anyone in particular?” She wanted to know more about his life before Kylo Ren.

  
“Tai,” Ben said after a pause. He ran his hand through his hair. “He tried to be my friend – believed in me longer than he should have.”

  
“What was he like?” she asked, trying to imagine a younger Ben and this other student together. 

  
“He was very intuitive, a good listener, more patient that anyone else I've ever known, and…”

  
“And what?” she asked, encouraging him to continue. 

  
“Nothing.” He stood up. “We should go find my dad and Chewie and get going,” he said, changing the topic. 

  
Rey could take a hint, so she let the conversation drop for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work ran late, so I'm posting a little later than planned. It's still Monday though!
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	7. Chapter 7

Being around his parents again was simultaneously better and worse than Ben had ever allowed himself to imagine. His dad seemed cautiously happy that he was back. His smiles were freer than they had been just before Ben was sent to Luke, but they were tight around the edges, his jaw remaining tense. His mom radiated relief more than any other emotion. He found her harder to read than his dad, which was different from when he was younger. 

  
Because of their shared Force sensitivity, he had felt connected with his mom in a way that he hadn’t felt with his dad. They were privy to a world his dad had difficulty comprehending – a world he feared. His dad would listen to him talk about the Force, but never asked questions or showed interest in learning more. 

  
When Ben was very young, his mom always knew when he was upset and she was there to comfort him. Over the years she began to spend more time at work and less time with him. He was resentful of her job because he still needed her just as much as he did when he was younger – more even. Long before his parents sent him to Luke, their connection frayed. The voice that spoke to him helped fill that void – or at least he had thought so at the time. 

  
He knew that he didn’t deserve to be welcomed back so easily. He chose to join Snoke, to embrace the dark side, to _kill his dad_ , and to take up the mantle of Supreme Leader. Their acceptance cut deeper than anger could. It left him feeling uncertain and insecure. He didn’t trust that their acceptance wouldn’t disappear as soon as they learned something more about what he did as Kylo Ren. 

  
Whatever happened next, he knew that his mom was going to be disappointed by Luke. What he didn't know was how disappointed she would be in him.

  
Rey left to pack, so it was just him and his parents in his mom's quarters. 

  
His dad spoke to his mom. “I guess we should say goodbye now.” He gave her a wry smile. 

  
“Not yet,” his mom said, moving across the room. She dug through one of the bags she had packed. Her brow was furrowed in concentration. She stilled for a moment and then smiled as she took something out of the bag. “Ben, take this with you.” She handed him a small object with a bright blue light.

  
Ben looked down at it and saw that it was a beacon; he nodded. 

  
His mom continued. “This will guide you back to me.” She put an identical looking beacon around her wrist. 

  
“What if Luke doesn’t—”

  
“Whatever happens with Luke, I will still want you to come home,” his mom said, leaning towards him. “You’re more important to me than anything.” She looked at him intently. 

  
Not fully believing her, he agreed to come back. He found that he didn’t want to disappoint her. He put the beacon in his pocket. 

  
As he was about to walk out the door, he stopped and turned to face his mom. He wanted to say something more before he left. The words came to him easily. “May the Force be with you.”

  
His mom smiled. “And you.”

***

  
Ben was worried about what would happen to his mom while he was gone. He remembered how he couldn't take the shot, so someone else took it, exploding her cruiser. It was only later that he learned she survived. He feared that this time she wasn't going to survive.

  
“What’s going on between you and the girl?” his dad asked, interrupting his thoughts.

  
Ben stopped walking. “I don’t know what you mean.” It wasn't just that Ben didn't know what to say about Rey. Whatever was happening between them – drawing them closer – was fragile. He wanted to protect it, so he kept it to himself. 

  
“You were always a terrible liar,” his dad huffed. 

  
“I get that from you.” His voice sounded bitter even to his own ears. 

  
His dad took his tone in stride and laughed. “I’ll have you know that I can be very convincing when I need to be.”

  
“That can’t be true. Not with the amount of trouble you get yourself into,” he said, remembering an incident with an underground gambling den that his dad only survived because of Chewie. If Chewie had been a few minutes later… Ben doubted he would have been born.

  
“Ah, but I always get myself out of trouble,” his dad clasped his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. “That’s the key.” 

  
***

  
Ben saw the _Falcon_ , and he felt the sudden urge to fly away from it all – the Resistance, Luke, and Palpatine – and live a quiet life. The feeling was fleeting. He knew that there was nowhere he could hide for long. He had to end it all, and with Rey's help he had a chance. Maybe once Palpatine was gone – if he survived – he could live. 

  
“Ben,” he heard Rose’s voice call out. She jogged over to meet him and his dad. “I see that you're doing better.” She nodded at his hands that were no longer covered in bacta patches.

  
“Yeah, I am,” he said, feeling awkward. He didn’t know what to say to her. Should he thank her for helping him?

  
“You're Han Solo,” Rose said as if she hadn't noticed he was there until that moment, which surprised Ben. Everyone always noticed his dad.

  
“Nice to meet you…”

  
“Rose,” she said.

  
“Rose. You two should finish talking. I'll meet you at the _Falcon_ ,” his dad said. He continued in a voice quiet enough that only Ben could hear. “It’s good to see you making friends.” His dad turned around and walked towards the _Falcon's_ boarding ramp, not giving Ben a chance to reply.

  
 _Friends_.

  
He had only talked to Rose a few times. Even though he had never really had a friend before, he knew that it took more than that to become friends. The more he got to know her the worse he felt about not being entirely honest about who he was.

  
“Thanks for…” he trailed off and put his hands out to show what he meant without having to say it. She helped him when he was still feeling raw from his loss of control. He had been tempted to use the pain for strength, but that was something Snoke taught him to do. 

  
Pain helped him channel the dark side, and it made him stronger – or at least he had thought it did. When he used pain to connect to the Dark, he felt powerful – like he was running on adrenaline – but then he always crashed. Was the shortcut to the Dark worth the toll it took on his body and his mind? Was there a better way? If there was, he would find it with Rey. The books on Ahch-To were a good place to start.

  
Rose smiled. “I was happy to help.” 

  
“How are you?” he asked, later than he probably should have. “And is your sister okay?” He remembered her talking about how her sister was anxious about the future. She had reason to worry. Unless he and Rey changed enough, the Resistance was about to be decimated.

  
“Yeah, I’m as well as can be expected given the circumstances.” She took a deep breath and looked down. “My sister is helping to make sure we all get out of here, so I’m worried about her.”

  
He didn't have any words of comfort to offer. His years with the Knights of Ren and as Snoke's apprentice didn't prepare him for this type of conversation. “Is there anything I can do to help?” 

  
“No, but it was helpful to say it aloud,” she said, looking back up at him. “Is there anything you need to talk about?” she asked.

  
“We’re going to Skywalker.” He crossed his arms, shielding himself from the fear his words brought with them.

  
“Isn’t he your uncle?” Her brow furrowed. “You sound nervous.” 

  
“I haven’t seen him in years,” Ben said, thinking of their most recent encounter that only he remembered. Luke seemed invincible in that moment, but it turned out to be a trick – one that cost him his life. He hesitated for a moment, unsure of how much to reveal. “We didn’t part on good terms,” he said at last.

  
“Family can be tough,” she said. 

  
And wasn't that an understatement.

  
Rose continued. “I’m guessing your dad is going with you. Is anyone else?”

  
“Chewie and Rey.”

  
“Oh, Rey. She has a lightsaber, doesn't she?” she asked, eyes wide.

  
“She does,” he said, surprised that she seemed uncertain. He would have thought that she would have made more of an impression on Rose, but then he remembered that Rey arrived at the Resistance the same time he did. They may not have met more than a handful of times.

  
“Is Luke Skywalker going to be her Jedi Master?” Rose looked excited by the idea.

  
“Maybe.” He hoped not.

  
“Was he your Jedi Master?”

  
She surprised him with her question. “What makes you say that?”

  
“There are rumors about where you have been all these years.” She leaned forward. “Some of them mention you being trained as a Jedi,” she said in a quiet voice.

  
He'd told his mom that the truth wouldn’t stay hidden for long, and while this wasn't the full story, he didn't think it would take long for the Resistance to connect him to the former student who fell to the dark side. “I’m not a Jedi.” 

  
_And I never will be._

  
“So you weren’t taught by your uncle?” She looked disappointed.

  
“I was but it’s—” 

  
“Complicated.” Rose sighed. “I get it.” Her shoulders slumped. 

  
Something told him that maybe he could trust her with the truth, but it wasn't just him he would be risking by telling her. If things were different… There was no point in wondering. While he couldn't reveal much, he could be honest about what he could share. “There are some things I can't tell you, but if I could, you would be the first person that I would trust.”

  
“When you get back, you'll have to tell me all about the planet you find Luke Skywalker on,” she said with a slight smile.

  
“I will,” he promised, and he found that he was looking forward to it.

  
***

  
Chewie was in the main hold of the _Falcon_ when Ben got there.

  
 _“Are you ready?”_ Chewie asked in Shyriiwook.

  
“No.” He didn't think he would ever be ready to see Luke again.

  
Chewie patted him on his shoulder with a strength that would have knocked him down if he was a smaller man. 

  
The contact was both familiar and foreign to him. He remembered Chewie offering comfort in the same way when he was a child – after an argument with his parents, when he felt excluded at school, and when he was sad. During his time with Snoke, touch meant pain. Before that – with Luke – everyone felt so distant from him; it was Snoke's voice that offered him comfort.

  
He was surprised when Chewie invited him to play a game of Dejarik. He hadn't played in years, but he accepted, wanting to take his mind off of Luke. He joined Chewie at the game table. 

  
Chewie roared in delight when he turned the table on.

  
The familiar sight of the holographic animals caused Ben's chest to tighten. He hadn't played since he was a child, but the rules came back to him quickly.

  
Ben still lost.

  
He remembered how intense Chewie was about winning, so he thought that it was probably a good thing that he lost. He was having _fun_.

  
They played again.

  
***

  
Ben left the _Falcon_ to find Rey. He told himself that it was because he wanted to leave, but he knew that it was because he wanted to see her. They had never spent so much time together in person. They had never gone so long without fighting.

  
As soon as he stepped outside he saw her. He was struck once more by how beautiful she was. “Rey, good, you’re ready. We're almost ready to go.”

  
“You're going with him?” Finn asked.

  
So focused on Rey, Ben hadn't realized he was there.

  
“I am,” Rey said, looking uncomfortable before walking away with Finn.

  
He knew they were talking about him. He tried not to listen in on their conversation. 

  
***

  
Finished talking, Rey and Finn came back over to him. 

  
Finn glared. “I don't trust you,” he said. Ben could tell he was trying to look unafraid.

  
“I know,” Ben said, having no reason to believe that anyone trusted him.

  
“If you hurt her, I'll—”

  
“Kill me?” He wasn’t afraid of dying. There were so many things that could happen that were far worse than death, and if he hurt her again, he would deserve it. “You have my permission. I won't defend myself.”

  
“I’m serious,” Finn said, sounding frustrated.

  
“So am I.” He looked at Finn trying to show his sincerity. 

  
Finn started back. He didn't back down, which Ben respected. Finn was afraid of him, but still stood up to him – and he did it for Rey.

  
Rey interrupted them to say goodbye to Finn. Ben tried not to be jealous when she hugged Finn.

  
Finn asked how they would find the Resistance again, so Ben showed took the beacon his mom gave him out of his pocked. That seemed to be enough to appease Finn. 

  
***

  
Ben followed Rey to the crew quarters on the _Falcon_.

  
He tried to apologize to Rey for coming between her and Finn. Despite the animosity the man felt towards him, Ben was grateful that Rey has someone who cared about her in this time. Most of the Resistance didn't know her yet – at least not in the way they knew her in the future. 

  
In many ways being back in this time was easier for him. While he was confronting his mistakes, he wasn't missing anyone that was in front of him. He could see that it was difficult for Rey to be a stranger among what were once friends and mentors. 

  
Rey had always been so lonely – something they had in common – it’s how they had initially connected. They comforted each other in their shares loneliness. Before Rey, Ben hadn't realized how lonely he had been. He was so used to it that it didn’t register until he felt connected with her.

  
He shouldn’t have been surprised that she asked about his time with Luke. They were on their way to him, so it was on his mind too. 

  
She asked about friends at Luke’s temple, which he confirmed that he hadn’t had. 

  
“I wonder if that was my own fault,” he said, thinking about how he always kept to himself. He had been afraid that if anyone truly knew him, it would confirm all their worst suspicions about him. He had a darkness that no student trained by Luke would have accepted. “I never let anyone get close enough to me to be considered a friend, but if I had… maybe things would have been different.” 

  
_Would they have believed me?_ Ben asked himself. _If we were friends, would they have believed that Luke tried to kill me – that it was self-defence?_

  
“Was there anyone in particular?” Rey asked with a soft voice.

  
“Tai,” Ben said, a stab of guilt coursing through his body at the name. “He tried to be my friend – believed in me longer than he should have.”

  
“What was he like?” She leaned forward.

  
“He was very intuitive, a good listener, more patient that anyone else I've ever known, and…”

  
“And what?” Rey asked, widening her eyes.

  
_He's dead because of me._

  
“Nothing,” he said. He knew that he would have to face this part of his past sooner than he was prepared for, but he was going to delay it as much as he could. He stood up. “We should go find my dad and Chewie and get going.”

  
***

  
Ben and Rey joined his dad and Chewie in the cockpit. 

  
“Ready to go?” his dad asked.

  
Ben and Rey both nodded. Ben felt disingenuous, but there was no point in delaying the inevitable.

  
Han and Chewie when ran through the start up protocols. The one time Ben wouldn’t have minded being delayed due to the _Falcon_ needing repairs everything worked perfectly – of _course_ it did. 

  
He must have projected that thought because he heard Rey laugh quietly. 

  
***

  
There was a lot of downtime when travelling though space. Not having anything to do left his mind free to worry. 

  
Playing another game with Chewie helped. Rey found them and sat and watched. Chewie offered to teach her to play, but she declined. Ben wondered if Chewie had taught her to play before. 

  
In a quiet moment, when he was alone with Rey, he asked, “What was Luke like when you met him?”

  
“Bitter. Defeated. Afraid.” She was quiet for so long that he thought she had no more to say, but then she continued. “Don't be surprised if Luke’s not the man you remember.”

  
“He was always certain that he knew best,” he said, thinking of all the times Luke told him he was doing something wrong. “Is that still true?”

  
“In a way.” She fidgeted. “He thinks it’s time for the Jedi to die. He's decided that he will be the last Jedi.”

  
Now that surprised Ben. When Luke confronted him on Crait, he said that he _wouldn’t_ be the last Jedi. He wondered what changed his mind.

  
“Did he teach you anything?” 

  
“Just some meditation,” she said, sounding frustrated. 

  
“That sounds like Luke.” They spent hours meditating at the temple. It was years before he was allowed to use a lightsaber. 

  
“I scared him,” she said in a small voice.

  
“ _You_?”

  
She nodded. “He said he’d only seen raw power like mine once before.”

  
“You reminded him of me.” He let out a sharp exhale. “He was wrong.”

  
Rey raised her eyebrows. “I'm Palpatine’s granddaughter. Isn't that reason enough to be afraid of what I could become?”

  
“You’re _nothing_ like him,” he said, remembering the man he met on Exegol – the man who claimed to be behind all the voices in his head – Snoke’s puppet master.

  
“You fell.”

  
“I was alone. You won't be,” he said with conviction. 

  
***

  
They were landing too soon. 

  
Through the window, Ben saw that the island was made up of stone and bright greens with a blue backdrop in the form of the sky and the ocean. It was beautiful and familiar. Ben had seen this place before in his dreams.

  
The planet felt different than Ben expected. The island was a Force nexus; he felt the power of the light and the dark sides of the Force. What he couldn't feel was Luke.

  
As he exited the cockpit, he saw his dad and Chewie share a concerned glance.

  
Rey looked tense, her hands clenched into fists like she was preparing for a fight. 

  
_She wasn’t wrong,_ Ben thought, _this will not go well._

  
Luke must have heard them land, but he was nowhere to be seen. If Rey hadn’t been here before, he would have doubted that Luke was here. 

  
All they found were these strange small birds that were fearless in the face of newcomers. 

  
Chewie must have heard something because he gestured for them to follow. He brought them to a small stone hut. Chewie knocked on the door.

  
Nothing.

  
He knocked again, louder this time.

  
“Go away!” 

  
Ben felt his heart start to race at the sound of Luke's voice. 

  
He saw the surprise on his dad's face. 

  
Rey looked annoyed, but also like she expected this.

  
This time his dad knocked. “Luke, get out here,” he said.

  
There was the sound of shuffling and then the door opened. 

  
“Han,” Luke said, his voice grave.

  
“It’s good to see you,” his dad said. 

  
“Why are you here?” Luke asked, his voice sharp.

  
His dad looked taken aback, but not one to let anything stop him, he answered. “We're here to bring you to the Resistance – to Leia.”

  
“I'm not going anywhere.” Luke moved to close the door.

  
Chewie stopped him and roared.

  
“I came here to be left alone,” Luke said, sighing. “You're both wasting your time.”

  
“We're not the only ones here.”

  
Luke’s mouth dropped open. “Who?” He exited his hut and his eyes met Ben's. His eyes widened in horror. “You shouldn’t be here.” His voice sounded dangerous, like it was filled with repressed rage.

  
“Hey,” his dad interjected, standing between Luke and him. “Ben came home. He came with us to bring you to the Resistance.”

  
“I’m not going anywhere with _him_. You can’t trust him.” Luke's eyes were filled with fear and anger.

  
“You’re wrong,” Rey said. Her voice was firm and she was standing tall. He was reminded of her conviction that he would turn back to the Light.

  
“Who are you?” Luke asked, brows furrowed.

  
“I’m nobody,” she answered.

  
Ben winced. He remembered calling her parents that. 

  
“Then why did they bring you here?” Luke looked at Rey, assessing. “Is that my lightsaber?”

  
“It was,” she said.

  
“Huh,” Luke said. He was looking at Rey, but Ben could tell that Luke hadn't stopped paying attention to him. “Where are you from nobody?”

  
“Don’t call her that,” Ben said. 

  
“It’s fine,” Rey said to Ben. She turned back to Luke. “I’m Rey, and I’m from nowhere.”

  
“Everybody is from somewhere,” Luke said.

  
“She grew up on Jakku,” his dad said.

  
“You really are from nowhere,” Luke said almost to himself. “Han and Chewie, it was nice to see you. Rey from nowhere, good luck with that lightsaber.” Luke's voice sounded lighthearted, but when he continued it was sharp like a blade. “It’s time for you all to leave.”

  
“We’re not leaving without you,” his dad said.

  
“You can’t stay – not with _him_ here,” Luke said, gesturing towards Ben. 

  
“You’re angry at me,” Ben said. Jedi weren't supposed to be angry. Anger led to the dark side. “Is that why you cut yourself off from the Force?”

  
“Yes, I’m angry,” Luke spat. He took a step towards Ben. “And that’s none of your business.”

  
“Since my mom wants your help, I think it’s my business.” Ben crossed his arms.

  
“You fell to the dark side!” Luke shouted. “You practically ran to Snoke.”

  
“I did,” Ben agreed.

  
His dad tried to get between them again. “Maybe now isn’t the time—”

  
“You killed my students,” Luke said, brushing past his dad and walking closer to him.

  
Ben refused to back away. “I did.”

  
“You destroyed the temple – our home – slaughtering everyone inside.”

  
“ _What_?” Ben remembered the lightning hitting the temple. He still feel the heat from the flames sometimes when he closed his eyes. There had been a swell of dark energy, but he didn’t cause it. Force lightning was never a dark side power he could use. “No, I didn’t.”

  
“Don’t lie! When I woke up the temple was in flames, my students were dead, and you left with the handful whose bodies I couldn’t find.” Luke's eyebrows lowered and pinched together. “What happened to them? Did they _join_ you?” he asked.

  
 _How could Luke have it so wrong?_ Ben wondered. He uncrossed his arms and clenched his hands into fists.

  
“They’re dead,” Ben confirmed, “and they didn't join me.” His nails were biting into his palms. “I didn’t destroy the temple or kill the rest of the students.” He wouldn't take responsibility for something he didn't do. There was enough blood on his hands. 

  
“That’s where you draw the line? Murder you’ll admit to, but not that much murder.” Luke scoffed. “If you didn’t destroy the temple – didn’t kill most of my students – why did you flee?’’

  
“I thought I killed you!” Ben shouted. “So did the students who followed me. They were off-planet when everything happened. I tried to explain, but Voe wouldn’t _listen_.” He was shaking with anger. 

  
He remembered how defeated he felt. Who would believe him? Everyone was already afraid of what he could do; killing Luke just confirmed everyone's worst suspicions about him. 

  
“So you killed them.” Luke made it sound like it was so simple.

  
“Yes,” Ben agreed. He was responsible for their deaths. 

  
“There’s no coming back from that,” Luke said, voicing his worst fear. 

  
“I guess not,” Ben said with a carefully controlled voice.

  
His dad and Chewie were looking at him with concern – like they were worried about what he would do – like he was a bomb about to explode. 

  
Rey looked sad.

  
 _She must be disappointed in me_ , he thought.

  
He needed to leave before he did something he couldn't take back. He ignored the voices that followed him as he walked away.

  
***

  
Ben sat at a cliff face on the opposite side of the island from where Luke was. He felt the wind brush against his skin. He wasn’t wearing a jacket, but he didn’t mind the cold. 

  
He took the beacon out of his pocket and figeted with it. 

  
Luke’s version of what happened that night was wrong. Ben didn’t know what to make of it. Even Voe, Hennix, and Tai hadn’t accused him of destroying the temple and killing all of the students, and they saw him in the aftermath. He told them he killed Luke, and while they didn’t believe that Luke tried to kill him, they didn’t accuse him of causing all of the death and destruction. 

  
Killing Luke – fighting Luke – was self-defence. _How could he think I would go from that to killing the students and destroying the temple?_ Ben asked himself. _Is that what he thought of me all along?_

  
The brilliant blue of the water and the crashing of the waves was soothing. He tried to focus on that instead of what happened. He timed his breathing to the sound of the water. 

  
_Where are you?_ Ben heard Rey's voice in his head.

  
 _I'm not going to do anything stupid. You don't need to worry_ , he thought back.

  
_I get to decide whether or not I will worry. You shouldn't be alone._

  
He smiled slightly at her words. He didn’t want to be alone. 

  
_You don’t have to come_ , he said. He wasn't sure he wanted her to see him like this. 

  
_I want to._

  
Knowing that he wouldn’t change her mind, he projected an image of his location to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on Monday, June 29th.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! Work was crazy, but I can now resume my regular once a week posting schedule. I also had to increase the chapter count again.

Ben’s confrontation with Luke was bad, but it could have been a lot worse if he hadn’t diffused the situation by walking away. Rey was impressed that he seemed to know how much he could handle. 

  
He had maintained control better than Luke had. 

  
Now that Ben was gone, Luke looked deflated. His shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed. 

  
“Where did it all go so wrong?” Han asked. “I need to know.”

  
Chewie roared his agreement. 

  
Luke tilted his head up, looking at Han. “I don't know the full story.” He frowned. 

  
Han stepped forward. “Then tell us what you _do_ know.”

  
“I'm not sure it’s my story to tell.” Luke looked away. 

  
“Bullshit,” Han said, standing directly in front of Luke.

  
“Han, I—”

  
“You left,” he said with disbelief. “I have gone _years_ not knowing what happened. You owe me an explanation.”

  
“Fine,” Luke agreed, finally meeting Han’s eyes. “But this might take a while.” 

***

Rey had thought Luke meant his explanation might take a while, but no, instead of talking he sat them down at the fire pit and started arranging the wood. She was reminded of when she followed him around the island while he went about his day. She wondered how long he would delay this conversation. Her growing impatience was mirrored by Han and Chewie. They both had their arms crossed and Han was scowling. 

  
Luke was muttering to himself and shaking his head as he went about his task. He then started striking two stones together, trying to make a spark. 

  
She heard Chewie let out a frustrated growl. 

  
Tired of waiting, Rey took out her lightsaber and ignited it. She moved towards Luke. 

  
She saw his mouth open, but before he said anything, she used her lightsaber to set the wood on fire. 

  
“There,” she said, putting her lightsaber back on her belt, “now we have a fire.” She sat next to Chewie. 

  
“Talk,” Han said gruffly.

  
Luke sighed and sat as far away from them as he could. “I don’t know where to start.”

  
“You could start by telling me how my son fell to the dark side.” Han raised his eyebrows expectantly.

  
“I was arrogant. I never should have trained him.” Luke looked at the fire as he spoke. “There were moments during his training that I saw his darkness. For a while I thought my teachings would be enough, so I ignored the outbursts and the darkness that I felt building in him.”

  
“What changed?” Han asked. His clenched his hands tightly into fists.

  
Luke glanced at Han and then looked away again. “One night I looked into his mind and what I saw was worse than anything I had ever imagined. Snoke had already turned his heart. He was too far gone for me to help.”

  
“You were _wrong_ ,” Han said. 

  
Rey agreed with Han. Even if it was only for a moment, Luke gave up on Ben far too easily.

  
“What makes you say that?” Luke sounded surprised.

  
Han stared at Luke like he thought the answer was obvious. “He’s here now, isn’t he?” 

  
“But for how long?” Luke asked, his voice dark.

  
Han didn’t answer.

  
“The Light is _strong_ in Ben Solo,” Rey said, interrupting the uncomfortable silence. Luke was wrong to have so little faith in Ben. He was wrong that night at the temple and he was wrong now. 

  
“Maybe,” Luke allowed, “but so is the dark side. I saw the destruction, pain, and death he would bring.”

  
Rey had been mislead by visions in the past, but she had been new to the Force, hadn't understood that things weren't as straightforward as they seemed. Luke didn't have that excuse. “You failed him,” Rey said, her words echoing the ones she said to Luke in another life. 

  
“I did.” Luke’s eyes looked haunted. “I couldn't keep the darkness at bay.”

  
“That's not what I meant,” she said, drawing Luke, Han, and Chewie’s eyes to her. Luke didn't understand how he went wrong. “You gave up on him. He wasn't lost to the dark side then and he isn't lost now. You still have the chance to make things right.” Luke had to be the one to take the first step. She knew that Ben wouldn't, and now, more than ever, she understood why.

  
“It's too late,” Luke said with a hint of doubt in his voice.

  
“It _isn't_ ,” she said, uncertain how to convince Luke, but certain that he needed to be convinced. “Ben's here and he's found his way out of the Dark. If you would just open yourself up to the Force, you would see it.”

  
Luke looked like he was thinking about her words. Something she said may have gotten through to him. 

  
“You still haven't told us what happened,” Han said, wrinkling his brow.

  
Luke gave Han a sharp look. “I told you. The darkness—”

  
“No, you told us what you _felt_ in the Force and what you saw in his _mind_ ,” Han said, frustration evident.

  
Rey realized that Han was right. Luke still hadn't told them the truth of that night. Han didn't understand the Force, he couldn't feel the light and the dark side the way they could. He needed something concrete.

  
“You never told us what Ben _did_ ,” Han continued. “Ben said he thought he killed you and you said that he killed your students. What's the truth?” 

  
“That is the truth. Ben admitted that he killed my students,” Luke said.

  
“But not all of them,” Han said, referring to the inconsistency in what Luke hand Ben had shared so far. “You don't have the full story.”

  
Luke sighed. “You're right. I don't.”

  
“I still want to hear your side of the story.” Han crossed his arms as if he was bracing himself for what was coming. “Why did Ben try to kill you?”

  
“I…” Luke swallowed. “I don't know what to tell you.” Luke looked defeated in a way Rey hadn't seen before. This was the look of a man who ran away and was waiting for death.

  
“The truth!” Han said with a raised voice. He inhaled and continued more quietly. “You owe me that much. I trusted you with my _son_.” His words were heavy.

  
“No, you didn’t. _Leia_ did.” Luke said tiredly. He ran his hand though his hair. “You never wanted him to go with me, and you were _right_. I made a mistake… a terrible mistake.”

  
Rey’s eyes widened at Luke's words. She wondered how much Luke would tell them, and more importantly, she wondered how Han would react.

  
“What did you do?” Han asked, his voice sharp.

  
“Like I said, I looked into his mind and saw darkness… saw the end of everything I loved from what he would become.” Luke bowed his head and spoke quietly. “For the briefest moment of pure instinct… I thought I could stop it.”

  
“Stop it how?” Han asked.

  
“The moment flashed like a fleeting shadow, but it was too late,” Luke said, his body drawn in on itself, making him look smaller. “Ben woke to me standing over him with my lightsaber ignited and he reacted.” Luke's voice was flat and robotic sounding, like he was repeating a story that something else told him rather than talking about his own actions. “When I woke, my students were dead and missing, the temple was burning, and Ben was gone.” 

  
Han blanched. “You were going to kill him.” Horror was written all over his face.

  
Chewie moaned in shock.

  
“No, I wouldn't have done it,” Luke said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

  
Han squeezed his eyes shut. “I want to believe you,” he said. Rey heard the pain in his words. She remembered her own horror when Luke admitted the truth to her. It was worse for Han. Ben was his son and Luke was his friend.

  
Luke stared at Han. After what looked like a moment of indecision, Luke stood up.

  
Before Luke took more than a step, Chewie moved in front of Han, blocking Luke. 

  
Luke stopped.

  
Han took a deep breath, told Chewie he was fine, and walked up to Luke. “Ben thinks you tried to kill him and he still came. He hasn't attacked you.” Han grabbed Luke by the shirt. “That should be enough for you to put some faith in him.” 

  
“Perhaps,” Luke said, bracing himself.

  
Han let go of Luke and turned away. “You need to go,” he said in an icy voice. 

  
Rey saw Luke's eyes widen.

  
“I can't look at you right now,” Han continued. 

  
Luke nodded and walked away. 

***

Rey didn’t pay attention to where Luke went. She just hoped he wouldn’t run into Ben. 

  
Han turned to face her. “Did you know?” he asked. Han and Chewie looked at her expectantly.

  
“I knew some of the story, but I still don't know all of it,” she admitted.

  
Han nodded. He didn't look surprised. “I want to hit Luke,” he said, drawing in a slow and steady breath.

  
“Why didn't you?” Rey asked. When Han grabbed Luke, she thought he would hit him.

  
“Because I don't know if I would be able to stop and Leia needs him,” Han said, his voice carefully controlled.

  
Chewie growled, _“I'll hit him for you.”_

  
“Maybe later. _”_ Han snorted. “This is such a mess. It's so much worse than I thought.”

  
Chewie squeezed Han’s shoulder. 

  
Han looked at Chewie. “Why didn't he come to me? Why did he run to Snoke?” His voice broke as he spoke.

  
“He thought he killed Luke,” Rey said.

  
“It was self-defense. I would have protected him,” Han said. Rey felt the truth of his statement. Han loved his son unconditionally. 

  
She let herself imagine what would have happened if Ben ran to his father instead of Snoke. She saw them working together as smugglers. Ben could have been with Han and Chewie when they found the _Millennium Falcon_. She wondered where they would all be now if that was how they met.

  
Han looked old in a way he didn't usually. It looked like Chewie's steadying hand was all that was keeping him upright. 

  
“I'm going to go check on Ben,” she said. 

  
Han stared at her. “Let him know…” he shook his head, “no, I'll let him know myself. We'll be here for a while longer.”

***

A few meters from the fire pit – away from where Han and Chewie could see her – Rey reached out to Ben. _Where are you?_

  
 _I'm not going to do anything stupid. You don't need to worry._ His voice sounded steady, but there was an underlying rawness that he couldn’t hide.

  
His answer didn't reassure her. _I get to decide whether or not I will worry. You shouldn't be alone._

  
_You don’t have to come._

  
_I want to._ He didn’t need to be alone.

  
In her mind she saw a craggy cliff face overlooking the deep blue sea. She recognized the spot from when she followed Luke around the island. It was as far away from Luke's hut as you could get on the island. She started walking in that direction.

***

Ben looked surprisingly peaceful when Rey found him. He was sitting with his legs crossed and his eyes closed, the wind blowing in his hair. 

  
When she got close, he opened his eyes and said, “You look upset.”

  
She sat next to him, mirroring his posture, “I came here to comfort you.”

  
“That doesn’t stop me from worrying about you.” His brow furrowed. “What happened?”

  
Rey hesitated for a moment before answering – not because he didn’t have the right to know – but because she wanted to spare him the pain of unwanted memories. “Luke told us about what happened that night – the true story – not the version he told me the first time.”

  
“And what is Luke's version of the truth?” His gaze was steady and there was no hint of what he was thinking.

  
“That he stood over you with a lightsaber while you were sleeping, but that he wouldn't have used it,” she said.

  
“Do you believe him?” he asked.

  
“I do.” She saw Ben look away. “Or at least I think that's what Luke believes,” Rey continued. She knew how tightly Luke held onto that truth – how important it was to him to believe that he wouldn't have killed his nephew. His faced was lined with regret. She didn’t know what would have happened if Ben hadn't woken up. She clasped Ben's knee, offering what little comfort she could. “But I don't think your dad does,” she said.

  
He put his hand over hers and squeezed. “Really?” he asked, looking back at her.

  
“I’ve never seen him like that before – never seen such cold anger from him. He told Luke to leave.”

  
His eyes were wide. “Do you still think that bringing me here was a good idea – that Luke will come with us?”

  
“I don't know,” she said, sighing. “I'm not sure it’s worth the pain, but I do think you could convince him to come with us.” She looked for his reaction to her words, waited for his denial, but it didn’t come.

  
“You mentioned there were ancient Jedi texts here,” he said, sounding intrigued. “Are they worth the trip?”

  
Rey stood up. “Let's find out.” She put her hand out and helped Ben up. 

  
He followed her up the hill.

***

  
  
The tree was ancient and twisted. Rey led Ben through the narrow opening. She wondered if he also heard the whispers and felt the power in this place.

  
She looked back at Ben and saw him drinking in his surroundings. He had a familiar look of curiosity on his face that reminded her of when their bond first brought them together. 

  
“Can you make out what they're saying?” Ben asked, assessing the situation the same way he assessed what she could see though their bond.

  
“No,” she replied, pausing to see if she could make out the words, “the voices are too quiet and there are too many of them.”

  
“I have seen this place before,” he said slowly.

  
“You have?” She felt her heart speed up. 

  
“In my dreams,” he continued.

  
“So did I,” she said, knowing this was important, but not knowing what it meant. 

  
“I think you were right. We're both supposed to be here.” He walked over to the books and carefully picked one up. He held the book with a reverence that made her feel guilty for the rough way she had handled the books when she had them. He opened the book slowly and ran his fingers down the first page. “Have you read these?” he asked, turning towards her.

  
“Some.” She stood beside him and took a look at the book he held. “But not the one you are holding.”

  
“This one called to me. There is something that we need to know in it.” He closed his eyes and held his hand over the book.

  
“What are you doing?” she asked.

  
“Listening. The voices got louder when I picked this book up. They are trying to tell me something.” He was very still.

  
Rey didn’t hear the same thing Ben did, but she felt the power in this place. She wondered if the books lost something, being taken from this sacred spot. They contained teachings that Leia had been unfamiliar with – knowledge that they both had agreed was important – but the books were hard to interpret. They were made up of many different languages and had been difficult to translate even with the help of C-3PO. Some of the images where incredibly technical, which was helpful. They had shown her how to repair her lightsaber. Other images were more abstract and the meaning had been lost on her and Leia.

  
The pages in the book started moving. Rey felt her jaw drop. She saw Ben startle and open his eyes. 

  
The pages stopped moving and Rey and Ben both stared at the images and writing. On the left page there was a large circular image made up of a series of interlocking circles. Within the larger circle she made out seven patterned circles – one in the middle with six surrounding it – to Rey it looked like a flower. On the right page there was a series of similar smaller images and small cursive text filling up the page.

  
Rey broke the silence. “Can you read it?” she asked, hopeful. 

  
Ben shook his head. “No, but I've seen something like this before.” He was staring at the book. 

  
“We'll figure it out,” she said, certain that they would. The Force was humming around them in agreement. 

  
“I think we have to. This is important.” He closed the book and put it back with the others.

  
“Shouldn't we keep it?” Rey asked, wanting to find out what knowledge the book held.

  
“Something tells me that the book needs to stay here. We'll need the power of this place to figure out what that image means.” Ben walked towards the exit.

  
“You're leaving?” she asked. 

  
“We need to go to the _Falcon_.” He gave the books one last look before looking at Rey. “I want to see if there's something we can use to help us translate the writing.”

*** 

Thankfully, they didn’t run into anyone on the way to the _Falcon_. Ben didn't know where to start looking, but Rey did. She was far more familiar with the _Falcon_ than he was.

  
In the cargo hold they found a mess of electronic equipment. Some of it was in crates and some of it was piled on the floor. 

  
Ben looked at the mess with skepticism, but Rey knew that hidden among scraps you could find exactly what you needed.

  
They divided up the work; Rey sorted the equipment in the crates and Ben sorted the equipment piled on the floor. It was almost fun looking through scraps together. Rey was in her element, and there was no threat of starvation if she didn’t find what she needed. 

  
There was something small and rectangular that looked promising. When Rey got it out from the other scraps that it was stuck to, she let out a shout of triumph.

  
Ben looked up and put the piece of equipment he was holding back in the pile in front of him. “An electronic translator,” he said, sounding eager. “Do you think it works?”

  
“It needs some repairs,” she said looking at the loose wires, “but it should be an easy fix.”

  
Ben's mouth twitched into an almost smile. “Let's fix it then.” She felt warm at the sight of how enthusiastic he was. She liked seeing this side of Ben. 

  
She didn’t want to dampen his enthusiasm, but it had been hours since they arrived on Ahch-To. “Hold on for a moment. We need to eat and rest.”

  
Ben looked conflicted for a moment, but he must have seen the practicality of her suggestion because he ultimately agreed.

*** 

Rey led the way to the crew quarters. She grabbed two nutrition bars from her bag and tossed one to Ben. “This isn't a meal, but at least it’s something.” She sat down on her bunk. Rey hadn't realized how hungry she was until she started eating. 

  
Ben thanked her and took a bite. From how quickly he ate the bar, she guessed that he was as hungry as she was.

  
“What do you think the image we found means?” he asked, sitting on the bunk opposite of hers. 

  
She was surprised that he asked her. “You would know better than I would.”

  
“I don't know as much as I would like.” He leaned forward. “Both Luke and Snoke pieced together what little information they could find about the Jedi and the Sith. So much was lost during the Empire. I spent years looking for knowledge – holocrons, artifacts, and places where the Force was particularly strong.” There was a gleam in his eyes that she wasn’t used to seeing. 

  
It dawned upon Rey that there were similarities between what Ben did for Luke and Snoke. Based on his reaction to the books, she could see that learning about the Force was something he enjoyed. “Is that what you did for the First Order?”

  
“That's what I did with the Knights of Ren and then for Snoke.” His lips pressed together in a slight grimace. “The First Order came later.”

  
There was so much Rey knew about Ben through the bond. She could feel what he felt. She had seen into his mind and knew him better than anyone else – possibly better than she knew herself. Even with that knowledge, there were parts of his life that were a mystery to her. “You didn't join the First Order when you left?”

  
“I didn’t know there _was_ a First Order,” he said, looking away, a slight flush creeping up his cheeks.

  
“What?” Rey asked. “Then how did you end up joining the First Order?” She narrowed her eyes. 

  
“I went to Snoke to learn... to become powerful,” he said slowly, like he was searching for the right words. “I didn't want to be afraid. Snoke became my master and with that came the First Order.”

  
“And then you became the Supreme Leader,” she said pointedly. Him staying with the First Order hurt more if he didn’t believe in it. “Did you even _want_ it?”

  
“I wanted power. I didn't want anyone to have control of me ever again.” Ben held her gaze. “But I heard whispers, rumors, and they lead me straight to Palpatine. It turned out I was Supreme Leader in name only,” he said with a sigh. 

  
Rey went over their interactions since Crait in her mind. This new knowledge reframed her experiences. She still believed he was wrong for wanting her to join him so they could defeat Palpatine and take his place, but she better understood where he was coming from. She didn’t regret not joining him, but she wished that they had talked like this much earlier. 

***

“I thought I heard you in here,” Han said, walking into the crew quarters. “Chewie's making some food. Do you want to join us?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. 

  
“Food sounds good,” Rey said. The nutrition bar took the edge off her hunger, but she wasn’t satiated. 

  
“Chewie's outside. Why don't you meet him there?” Han said, speaking to Rey.

  
Rey looked between Han and Ben. Ben gave her a slight nod, so she agreed, and went to find Chewie. While she did want to eat, she was leaving to give Han some time with Ben. They were family and being there felt like intruding somewhere she didn't belong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No porgs were harmed in the making of this chapter.

Ben almost asked Rey to stay, but something about expression on his dad's face stopped him; instead, he nodded to Rey, telling her she could go. 

  
He turned his body towards his dad who was leaning against the entrance of the crew quarters with his arms crossed. Based on what Rey had told him, he guessed that his dad wanted to talk about Luke. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach at the thought.

  
“I'm sorry,” his dad said, not quite meeting his eyes.

  
“What?” Ben asked. He was startled by the apology.

  
His dad pushed his hair back and let out a deep breath. “We never should have sent you away. I should have fought harder to keep you... should have—”

  
“Why didn’t you?” Ben asked, his voice sounding thin and hesitant. That familiar old hurt bubbled to the surface. 

  
“Your mom thought that Luke was the only one who could help you.”

  
Ben remembered the way his mom explained it to him, how she told him that Luke would teach him to be a Jedi, and how she stood firm in her resolve despite his desperate pleas to stay. Even then, young as he was, he knew they weren't sending him away because they wanted him to be a Jedi. “You were afraid of me.”

  
“No, I wasn't—”

  
“I heard it… you and mom fighting. I know that you both worried about what I would become.” Their arguments, which had grown increasingly frequent, were the backdrop to his childhood. More often than not he was the source of their fights. “It made so much more _sense_ once I found out who my grandfather was.” That's when he realized that they were waiting for him to become another Vader.

  
“It wasn't _you_ that I was afraid of,” his dad said, but Ben wasn't convinced. “It was the Force,” his dad continued, “I didn’t – I still don't – understand it. I was afraid that I couldn't help you, that I wasn't the father you _needed_. I thought Luke could be what you needed.” His voice caught on Luke's name.

  
“I needed _you_.” Ben hated how weak he sounded.

  
His dad squeezed his eyes shut. “I wasn't a very good father,” he admitted, opening his eyes and looking at Ben. “I'm sorry that you didn’t think you could come to me that night.”

  
“I couldn't – not after what I did.” Even though Ben hadn't killed Luke, he had thought he killed him. The idea of facing his father after he killed one of his best friends was unimaginable. He knew his dad would have been disappointed in him. He would have been afraid of him. “You would have never—” 

  
His dad crossed the room and stood in front of him. “I would have protected you.”

  
Ben tensed. That was easy for him to say now. “What if I had _killed_ Luke? What then?” Ben asked.

  
“It was self-defence.” His dad deflected the question.

  
“You wouldn't have believed me. If you saw me that night – saw the temple – you would have jumped to your own conclusions,” Ben said.

  
“You're right that I don’t know what would have happened, but you don't know either,” his dad said, running his hand through his hair and looking agitated. “I should have done better. You should have been able to trust me.” 

  
“It was too late,” Ben said sadly.

  
“It wasn't too late then and it's not too late _now_.” His dad looked at him intently. “You are showing us that every day.” He knelt in front of Ben. “Rey was right, wasn't she? You were conflicted all this time. I wish I found you earlier.”

  
“No, you don't. I would have killed you.” He couldn't look at his dad.

  
His dad clasped his knee. “You didn’t.”

  
Unable to stand his dad's undeserved faith in him, he admitted, “I could have.” 

  
_I did kill you. You need to know what I'm capable of doing to you_ , Ben thought.

  
“In another life I would have,” he continued. The words felt insufficient, but he couldn't bring himself to say the truth out loud. 

  
“What changed?” his dad asked.

  
“When you found me on Starkiller Base, my mind was my own.” Ben forced himself to look at his dad. “If you were any earlier, I would have killed you.” The memory of the light leaving his dad's eyes flashed through his mind.

  
His dad didn't back away from him in horror like he should have. He stood up stiffly, showing his age, and sat next to Ben on the bunk. “What does that mean?” His brow wrinkled in confusion. “What does it mean that your mind was your own?”

  
“The voices were gone,” Ben admitted.

  
“What voices?” his dad asked.

  
It hit Ben just how much he had kept from his dad. “Ever since I was a child there were voices,” he said quietly. He was terrified of how his dad would react. “I heard Snoke, my grandfather… they talked to me, guided me – I thought it was normal. As I got older I realized that other people didn't hear voices like I did.” It felt like being ripped open. Now his dad would see how broken he was, how much of a lost cause he was.

  
“Why didn't you tell us?” his dad asked, struggling to keep his voice steady. 

  
Ben swallowed. “I was already so different. I was worried that there was something wrong with me – that you'd think I was crazy.”

  
“Oh, Ben… did Luke help?” His dad looked like he was holding back tears.

  
“He didn't know.” Ben never told Luke the truth. He always told him the answers he wanted to hear, but that was never enough. Luke had never believed him, not really. 

  
His dad let out a deep breath. “So you had nobody… but the voices are gone now?”

  
“Yes, they’ve been gone since Starkiller Base.”

  
“And they're gone for good?” his dad asked.

  
“Yes,” Ben said. Whatever his mom did with the last of her strength felt permanent. 

  
“Good,” his dad said. 

  
They sat in silence. 

  
Ben felt tired in a way that he wasn't used to; it wasn't physical. For so long he had numbed himself to all emotions except anger. Now he barely felt any anger. It was still there, but it was burried deep, hidden below all of the other emotions that were now free. 

  
“Ben… I know it won't be easy…” His dad grasped his arm as if he needed the contact to steady himself. There were subtle tremors in his dad's hand that Ben felt against his arm. “But do you think I could earn your trust? I know it won't be immediate, but with time…”

  
“Yes,” Ben said. He felt his dad squeeze his arm. “I want to trust you,” Ben said, looking at his dad. He was and he wasn't the man he remembered. Superficially, he saw that his dad was older, but that wasn’t the only change. He was used to his dad making jokes and being friendly, while also seeming distant. At first he thought the change was because his dad had fewer reasons to be happy. Now though… now he thought he was finally getting a glimpse of the man who was always there… always hiding beneath armour made of humour. This was his dad trying to be open and honest.

*** 

Chewie and Rey looked guilty when Ben and his dad met them outside. 

  
Ben was confused until he noticed the strange creatures – porgs Rey had called them – staring at the meat Chewie was cooking. Ben could easily guess what type of meat it was.

  
“Do you think they want us to share?” his dad asked, nodding at the meat. The slight upward turn of his lips was the only sign he was joking.

  
“Of course not!” Rey said.

  
Chewie laughed, whether it was at his dad's joke or Rey's reaction, he didn't know.

  
“Are you going to be able to eat that?” Ben asked Rey.

  
“I'm not going to _waste food_ ,” Rey said, sounding puzzled by his question.

  
“Even with them watching?” Ben asked, looking at porgs. He supposed they were sort of cute in an irritating way.

  
Rey shrugged. “That's their choice. They can leave if they don't like it.”

  
Chewie growled and tried to scare them away, but they didn't budge.

  
Rey went over to the meat, checked to see if was ready to eat, and seemingly satisfied, proceeded to take a piece out of the fire. She sat down and began to eat. 

  
The porgs made a screeching sound and continued to watch.

  
Chewie gave the porgs one last long look and then he gave Han and Ben each a piece of meat before he took the last piece for himself and sat next to Rey.

  
Ben and his dad joined them.

*** 

Not long after they finished eating it started to rain. With the fire out and none of them dressed for the weather they all went into the _Falcon_ for the night. 

  
His dad and Chewie each had their own places to sleep, so that left the crew cabin free for Ben and Rey.

  
Rey used the washroom first to get ready for bed. When she exited, they stared at each other without talking. She was wearing the same tunic she wore when their bond connected them the other night and her hair was down. It did something to him, seeing her so casual and relaxed in his presence. He couldn't believe they were here. It wasn't just the time travel that he found difficult to believe. It was also how much their… dynamic had changed in such a short time.

  
 _Could we have had this earlier?_ he wondered. 

  
He must have been projecting because he saw Rey's eyes widen slightly. She then did something that caused his heart to feel like it was seizing up. 

  
Rey smiled at him. 

  
He took all in, trying memorize the look on her face.

  
She ducked her head and walked over to her bed.

  
Ben went to the washroom to get ready himself. Once he was done, he looked over at Rey who was already fast asleep.

  
He got into his bed and prepared for a long and sleepless night. 

*** 

Ben woke up feeling rested. 

  
He didn't know what time it was, but Rey had already left. He was surprised to learn that he slept through the night. There had been no nightmares. He wondered if it was because of Rey or if there was something about this place. 

  
Even with Luke here, he felt more at peace on this island. The power of the Force here, which could have easily been overwhelming, was more grounding than anything else. There was a sense of calm that he hadn't felt before; it felt like balance.

*** 

The rain had stopped. 

  
Ben found Rey and Chewie sitting outside and eating breakfast. As soon as he sat down, Rey handed him some food. It was a bowl of bland looking porridge – not his first choice for breakfast – but it surprisingly wasn't as bad as he expected. Only recently had he started to pay attention to the flavour of his meals. Food, which for so long had been solely a means to sustain himself, had started to matter to him. 

  
As he ate, he watched Rey and Chewie joke and laugh with each other. He didn't feel the need to join in; it was nice enough to be part of the moment. He felt a lightness that he wasn't accustomed to. In the back of his mind he knew that there were so many things he needed to do in order to defeat Palpatine, but he didn't dwell on them. 

  
He could have breakfast, spend time with Rey and Chewie, and worry later.

*** 

By the time they finished eating and cleaning up, Rey was practically bouncing with energy.

  
She grabbed his hand and took him to the engineering station where she immediately went to the storage lockers to get some tools. He saw that she had already set up a workspace on the floor with the electronic translator. Rey sat down with her newly acquired tools and got to work.

  
He almost asked her if she wanted help, but he saw that she had it well under control. Ben wondered why she brought him here since she clearly didn't need his help. Puzzled, but content to watch her working, he sat across from her. 

  
Rey was incredibly focused. She only looked up when she needed to use a different tool. He found himself moving closer to her and passing her whatever she needed. They found an easy rhythm. 

  
She seemed completely at ease with him being there. He catalogued the way she scrunched up her nose when she tried something that didn't work, the way she narrowed her eyes in concentration when working with incredibly small pieces, and the way she smiled every time he handed her something. 

  
It was peaceful.

  
He was almost disappointed when she stopped working. 

  
“I think I've got it,” Rey said with a smug grin on her face. “I told you I could fix it.”

  
“I never doubted you,” he said honestly. Every day she impressed him with how capable she was.

  
“Should we try it out?” she asked, her eyes alight. 

  
Ben nodded. “Even with the translator, it may take some time to interpret the passages. Jedi texts aren't usually very straightforward.”

  
“Oh, I _know_ ,” she said dryly.

*** 

Before they left, Rey grabbed a rain cloak and handed him one as well.

  
When he looked at her questioningly, she said, “We don't know how long we'll be gone and the weather changes quickly here.”

  
That made sense to him. It was warm and sunny out though, so he folded the cloak over his arm. 

  
Rey put her cloak on. She wore her lightsaber on her belt and carried her staff in one hand and the electronic translator in the other.

  
He offered to carry the translator, but she dismissed him with a wave.

  
Ben felt like he was forgetting to bring something. He had very few possessions on the Falcon: just the clothing he wore on Starkiller Base and the few items the Resistance gave him. Slowly it dawned on him that it was his _lightsaber_ that was missing. He had deliberately rid himself of it – a rare good choice in a life defined by bad choices – but he missed the familiar weight on his belt. 

  
He considered asking for a blaster before he dismissed the thought. He didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. 

*** 

  
“What are those?” Ben asked, referring to the large water animals sunning themselves on the rocks. He hadn't seen that particular combination of large flippers and long snout before.

  
“They are called thala-sirens.” Rey stared at the animals. “Ugh,” she said, scrunching her nose, “I'll never get the image of Luke drinking their green milk out of my mind.”

  
“I didn't take you for squeamish.” He raised his eyebrows.

  
“I'm not usually, but that shade of green was not appetizing.” She turned away from the animals and started walking up the hill, motioning for his to follow. “It didn't help that I saw him milking one and drinking it fresh. It would have been warm.”

“I'm not surprised,” Ben said, catching up to Rey and walking beside her. “Luke never turned down the opportunity to try the local food on any of the planet’s we visited together. He must have a steel stomach because he never got sick.” He shared the information automatically and without thinking about it. There had been some good times with Luke, but it hurt to think of them because they were tied so closely with everything that went wrong.

  
Rey stopped walking and turned to face him. “Did you visit many planets together?” she asked. Ben sensed her curiosity.

  
“Yes, mostly looking for Jedi temples and artifacts.” Luke brought him along more often than not which Ben had believed was because he didn't trust him enough to leave him alone. Looking back, he saw how the voice had encouraged those thoughts. Like so many of his beliefs, Ben was unsure of how much they had been shaped by the voice – by Palpatine. Could Luke have genuinely wanted to spend time with him? “Luke dedicated his life to restoring the Jedi Order.”

  
“Was he always so…” she paused, searching for the words, “dogmatic and bitter?”

  
“Dogmatic – yes – but the bitterness is new.” Luke had been strict about the proper use of the Force; students were required to master each skill to his standard before moving on to anything new or more challenging. He had almost seemed cautious about teaching them. 

  
“What was it like, being a student, learning about the Force at a young age?”

  
“It was fascinating.” Learning about the Force is what kept him with Luke for so long. While he didn't fit there, it was the only place he had known about where he could explore his abilities. “But also isolating. The more I learned, the less I fit in with people who weren't Force sensitive. Even those that were… I wasn't like them. I made them uncomfortable.”

  
“Even Tai?” she asked.

  
“No, not Tai.” Ben knew he should say more, but he didn't. It wasn't that long ago that Rey had been horrified by him. Whatever was between them, whatever they were building, it was fragile; he didn't want to break it by reminding her of what he had done. 

*** 

  
“Who are they?” Ben asked, pointing at the small reptilians with bird-like feet. They were cleaning the huts he saw below.

  
“Those are the Caretakers for the island and the ancient Jedi structures, ” Rey explained. “They don't like me much – or I guess they didn't since they don't know me yet.”

  
“Are you sure they didn't like you?” He couldn't imagine anyone not liking Rey.

  
“Absolutely,” Rey said. A slow smile creeped up on her face. “Actually, it’s _your_ fault they didn't like me.”

  
“How?” He had never been to the island before.

  
“Remember when I tried to shoot you?”

  
Ben's eyes narrowed. “How could I forget?”

  
“Well, I may have caused some property damage that they had to clean up,” she said, wincing.

  
He raised his eyebrows. “You didn't help?”

  
“You think they'd _let_ me?” She laughed, shaking her head. “I was too destructive.”

  
Ben found himself joining in on her laughter. “I never would have described _you_ as destructive.”

  
“Maybe not compared to you, but I definitely did some damage to the island,” she admitted.

  
“Some one time blaster damage doesn't seem too bad.”

  
“There may have also been an incident with a lightsaber,” she said under her breath like she didn't want him to hear.

  
“The truth comes out! You can't blame it _all_ on me.” He found himself smiling.

  
Rey stared at him.

  
“What?” he asked. Ben couldn't read the expression on her face. 

  
“You have dimples,” she said. Her face flushed. “I've never seen you smile like this before.” She brought her hand up to his face. 

  
He felt his ears reddening. “You make me smile,” he said softer, leaning closer.

  
She started to take her hand away.

  
Not wanting the moment to end, Ben took her hand in his. 

*** 

Once they reached the tree, they were surrounded by a thick fog; he felt a chill.

  
Ben put on his cloak. 

  
He saw Rey smile at him and raise her eyebrows in response. She was clearly communicating that she was right about the weather and the cloaks without having to say the words. 

  
The voices were still whispering. Unable to make out what they were saying, Ben ignored them and went inside. Rey followed. 

  
Rey put the translator on the large circular raised platform and leaned her staff against it and then sat down.

  
Ben took the book off the shelf and joined her. He turned the book to the page they were looking at last time. There was something about the geometric pattern that was familiar, but Ben couldn't place it. He hoped the translator would help. 

  
Rey took the book and picked up the translator.

  
“You shouldn't be here,” Luke said, startling both of them. He was standing at a narrow opening, a different opening than the one they came through. He must have been standing outside the temple. 

  
Ben had been so focused on the book that he hadn't sensed him.

  
“We need the information in this book,” Rey said defensively.

  
“The sacred Jedi texts are all that’s left of the Jedi religion.” Luke crossed his arms. “They aren't for you.” Ben didn’t like the way Luke was speaking to Rey. His voice was filled with distrust that Rey didn't deserve.

  
 _It must be because she's with me,_ Ben thought.

  
“So they are supposed to rot here, nobody using them?” Rey asked with a challenge in her voice. She confidently looked at Luke straight on.

  
“You won't find what you are looking for.” Luke spoke to Rey, but his eyes were on Ben.

  
“I'd rather find that out for _myself_ than take your word for it.” Rey looked back down at the book, apparently done with the conversation.

  
Luke scoffed. “I once thought those books held something of value, but I was wrong. The legacy of the Jedi is failure. It's time to let old things die.”

  
His words surprised Ben because the Jedi were everything to Luke. This was not the same Luke he remembered. He could see that Rey was right about him being bitter.

  
Rey glanced at Ben and then looked back at Luke. “That's something the two of you agree on.”

  
Luke raised an eyebrow. “Then why are you interested in that book?” he asked, speaking to Ben for the first time.

  
“The Force led us to this book. We would be foolish to ignore it,” Ben said, keeping his voice steady. They had more important things to worry about than Luke. He refused to let him get in their way.

  
“You are foolish to think anything good will come from the two of you using those books. You're not going to stop the First Order with the Force,” Luke said, sounding just as confident as he always had. Luke had replaced his certainty in the wisdom of the Jedi with certainty about their failure.

  
Ben didn't disagree, but that didn't mean there was nothing to learn from them. As much faith as Ben had in Rey and their bond, he knew that they couldn't defeat Palpatine on their own.

  
“You're the one who has _refused_ to help,” Rey said, looking frustrated, “I'm not going to give up just because you–”

  
“You used to believe in the Force – the Jedi – what happened?” Ben asked. Despite wanting to Luke to go, he found himself curious. He didn't understand what Luke doing here on this island if he didn't be live in the Jedi. The first Jedi temple seemed like an odd place to hide for someone who claimed to no longer believe in the Force.

  
“What do you think happened?” Luke asked darkly. “That book won't help. Don't say I didn't warn you.” Luke turned and left.

  
“He's wrong,” Rey said once Luke was gone. “The Force led us to this book for a reason and I intend to find out.” Rey turned the translator on.

  
Ben agreed with her. Luke couldn't look past the bitterness and defeat that clouded his mind. This was what had become of the hero that his mom put her hope in. She was going to be disappointed when they returned without Luke.

  
It was up to him and Rey to learn something on this island that would make the trip worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	10. Chapter 10

There was something about the set of Ben's jaw and the way his lips were pressed together that made Rey think that he had pushed past whatever anger seeing Luke brought on; he looked focused and determined. She looked away, but still felt his warmth from how closely he was sitting next to her. 

  
Rey felt apprehensive as she turned on the translator and placed it on the text, and it didn't help that she had Ben's full attention. While she was confident that the translator would work, she was concerned that there would be nothing of value in it. By coming to Ahch-To she had put her trust in the Force, and as much as it felt right, she didn't want to have put Ben though a painful reunion with Luke for nothing.

  
Luke had already disappointed her more during this second first meeting than he had originally. The first time he refused to help, was reluctant to teach her, and lied to her. This time he had at least been more honest, but some of that honesty had hurt Ben. Each encounter with Luke left her wondering if he had ever really been the hero the stories portrayed him to be. She couldn't picture this harsh and broken man as being anyone’s symbol of hope. Maybe that was the real reason he refused to help. Maybe he knew the legend held more power than the man.

  
There was the sharp sound of feedback, and then the translator started speaking. “ _Before stars existed_ ” – Rey winced at the booming voice and hastily turned it down – _“before planets existed, before life existed, before death existed, there was the Force.”_

  
Now that the translator was at a lower volume she made out the speaker's slightly artificial sounding male voice and thick Coruscant accent. This was the only setting for Basic, which told Rey that this was a very outdated model. _“It is the Force alone that connects all forms.”_

  
So far the passage reminded Rey of what Luke had told her about the Force being the energy between all things. She looked at Ben to see what his reaction was, but he looked like he was concentrating, so she focused on listening. 

  
_“The Force is life and death, passion and serenity, and order and chaos,”_ the translator continued.

  
Rey felt all of these things more intensely on this island than anywhere else she had been. There was an immediacy to the Force here, and that was one of the reasons she thought it was so important to come back.

  
_“The Dark and the Light have powers over all life in consideration of the fact that the Force is in every body, of all of humanoid kind, of all the animals, of all the insects, of every being that lives. At its centre there is balance—”_

  
Ben paused the translator. “What’s the point of this?” he asked, running his hand though his hair in a way that reminded Rey of Han when he was exasperated. “It's just an early version of the Jedi Code.” 

  
Rey tilted her head up to look at Ben. “What was the Jedi Code?” she asked.

  
Ben’s eyes widened. “You don't know?” he asked.

  
Rey crossed her arms. “It never came up,” she said. It’s not like she trained as a Jedi for years. Since her powers awakened, it had barely been a year, so this was all still new to her. 

  
“That was the first thing Luke taught me.” Ben frowned, looking lost in thought. “He really didn't mention it?”

  
“No,” she said. It's not like Luke taught her much at all in their short time together. She learned more from Ben than she did from Luke. There was only one other person who taught her about the Force. “And your mom never mentioned it when she trained me either.”

  
“My mom trained you?” he asked, eyebrows raised. There was something about his voice, some emotion, that she didn't know how to interpret.

  
“Yes, after Crait.” Leia had given her purpose when she felt lost and confused. “Why are you so surprised?” Who else would have trained her?

  
“My mom wasn't trained as a Jedi,” he said slowly.

  
“She never told me why she never completed her training, but she did have some training,” Rey said in defense of Leia. She may not have chosen to pursue a Jedi path, but she was powerful and knowledgeable. Rey didn't want Ben to dismiss his mom’s accomplishments or abilities.

  
“I didn't know,” Ben said softly as he looked away.

  
“You didn’t know that she never finished her training?” Rey asked. Leia must have stopped later than Rey assumed if Ben didn't know about it.

  
“She never told me she trained at all,” he said, and there was a weight to those words; it sounded like it pained him to admit that he never knew.

  
Rey wondered why he didn't know. Surely Leia talked to her son about the Force. Why would she send her son to train as a Jedi without telling him why she chose to stop her own training? 

  
“Ben, I—”

  
“It doesn't matter,” Ben said, trying but failing to convince her because it clearly was important to him. For a moment she regretted saying anything, but she dismissed that feeling. He had the right to know. “Do you want to know the Jedi Code?” he asked. 

  
“I do.” It was a missing puzzle piece that had been hidden from her and she didn't understand why it had been hidden. 

  
Ben took a deep breath. “There is no emotion, there is peace.” He recited the words robotically. “There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion–”

  
“No passion?” Rey asked. She didn't want to live a life free of passion.

  
“—there is serenity,” Ben continued, ignoring the interruption. “There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is the Force.”

  
Rey had a hard time understanding the Jedi's rejection of emotion and passion – to her they were both essential. She tried to picture Ben without emotion and passion and she didn't like what she saw. It seemed so against his nature that it was no surprise that he didn't like the Jedi Code.

  
It didn't suit her either.

  
“That’s not at all the same as what this text says,” Rey said, pointing at the book. Despite the similarities, she didn't have the same negative reaction to the translation as she did to the Jedi Code.

  
“Yes, it is,” Ben disagreed. “It puts the dark and the light side into the same categories as the Jedi Code – passion and serenity, chaos and harmony—”

  
“But it _doesn't_ say anything about excluding either – just that they _are_ ,” Rey said. She pointed at the series of circles on the opposite page. “Look at the image here. See how there are six circles on the outside and one in the middle?” — Ben nodded — “Each of the outside circles represents different aspects of the Force – life and death, passion and serenity, order and chaos – and at its centre is balance. You need all aspects of the Force to have balance.” She looked at Ben expectantly.

  
“That's not what the Jedi taught,” Ben said, exhaling slowly.

  
“It looks like it used to be,” Rey said. She knew that she was close to something important.

  
Ben shook his head. “We haven't translated enough yet,” he sighed. “You'll see that this is more of the same wrong ideas the Jedi have always had.”

  
“You don't know that.” Rey narrowed her eyes.

  
“I do.”

  
“No,” she said, “your bias against the Jedi is clouding your perception.”

  
“You don't know what you're talking about,” he said with a huff.

  
Rey jerked back at his words. “What, because I’m new to this my opinion isn't valid?”

  
Ben raised his hands and shook his head. “That's not what I—”

  
“I may not be educated about the Force the way you are, but I'm not stupid.”

  
“That's not what I meant,” he said, his eyes wide. “I know that you’re intelligent.”

  
“Then don't dismiss what I'm saying because I disagree with you.” Rey crossed her arms.

  
“I wasn't—” 

  
Rey raised her eyebrows at him.

  
“You're right,” he sighed, “I'll listen better.”

  
***

  
They went back to listening to the translation, but there was very little that was new. The passages consistently divided the Force into the same six categories and had very few mentions of the Dark or the Light. The main focus was on how universal the Force was. 

  
There were also the references to balance, which made Rey wonder if the Jedi could be balanced and follow the Jedi Code. She didn’t see how rejecting emotion or passion led to balance. It seemed too artificial, too cold, and too removed from life. 

  
Rey saw how tense Ben was. “Do you want to take a break?” she asked. 

  
“We've barely learned anything.” His shoulders looked tight and he was frowning. 

  
“I need to stretch my legs,” she said. Ben may not have said that he needed a break, but he looked like he did. She knew to lead by example when someone was being stubborn. “Let's go for a walk.”

  
“In the rain,” he said, arching his eyebrows. 

  
_“Yes,_ in the rain,” she said, looking at Ben. As skeptical as he looked he didn’t say no.

  
“Didn't you grow up on a desert planet?” he asked, sounding bemused.

  
“That's why I like the rain.” Rey stood up and walked towards the exit. She looked back at Ben. “Put your hood up and join me.”

  
He did just that; he stood up and followed her outside and into the rain.

  
***

  
So many of Rey's memories of this island involved Ben. It was surreal to be here with him in person. 

  
He looked so different than he did then. Not only was he in a light coloured shirt and a rain cloak that matched her own instead of dressed like Kylo Ren, but he was also free of the scar that she gave him. More than that was how much healthier he looked. Even as tense as he was, he didn’t look worn down in the way he looked before. Rey hadn't realized how tired he must have been until she had this version of himself to compare him to.

  
At first she had been wary of him, unwilling to risk disappointment by putting any trust in him. She had never felt so relieved to have been wrong before.

  
She was proud of him, proud of the way he was relearning how to be Ben, proud of the way he took responsibility for his actions as Kylo Ren. She worried about the amount of pain he carried with him, but so far he shouldered it well. 

  
Part of her wondered who he would have been if Palpatine hadn't been there to manipulate him. Mostly though, she was grateful for the opportunity to get to know the man he was becoming. 

  
***

  
Rey led Ben around the island and told him about her time here. She could tell that he wasn’t thrilled to be out in the rain, but he gave his full attention to everything that she said. It was nice to be together and talk, not about the First Order or about the Force, but about their lives and experiences.

  
It was so normal. 

  
Even with the Resistance, their conversations rarely strayed too far from the First Order. They were on the run for so long and their every moment was consumed with finding ways to fight them. 

  
Rey felt a chill, and she knew it wasn’t from the weather because the rain had started to subside. “Do you feel that?” she asked.

  
Ben stood in front of her. “There's something dark calling me,” he said so softly that she barely heard him.

  
“It's calling both of us. We should go.” Rey nodded in the direction she knew they needed to go in and started walking. 

  
“What?” Ben asked.

  
She turned back to him and saw he hadn’t moved to follow her. “It's the mirror. We should go to the cave and see what it shows us.”

  
“I thought it didn’t show you what you were looking for last time.” He furrowed his brow. 

  
Rey walked up to Ben. “I tried to make it show me my parents.” She looked him in the eyes, trying to project her confidence. “Now I know better.”

  
“What are you looking to see now?” he asked, his mind closed off to her. If she wanted to know what he was thinking, she could push, but she knew he was keeping his thoughts to himself for a reason.

  
“Whatever it shows us,” she said, shrugging. The mirror hadn’t called Rey to show her parents, and she had been disappointed by that. She hadn’t been open to seeing what it had really been trying to show her. All she had seen was herself alone and that had scared her. She knew what it was like to be alone – she had been alone for most of her life – the idea that she would continue to be alone had been too much for her. 

  
Ben pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don't know….” 

  
Rey didn’t want to push Ben to do anything that made him uncomfortable. “I can go on my own.”

  
He shook his head. “That’s not a good idea. I'll go with you.”

  
“Ben, are you sure you—” 

  
“Are you going?” he asked, cutting her off. 

  
She looked in his eyes. “Yes.” 

  
“Then so am I,” he answered, holding her gaze.

  
***

  
Rey led him to the hole in the ground, the one that took her to the cave. 

  
Ben knelt down beside the hole and looked at her. “It looks like it’s decaying,” he said, shifting uneasily. “This place is filled with darkness.”

  
“It is,” she said, “but I'm not afraid of the darkness anymore. There is something here we need to see.”

  
Ben nodded.

  
Rey took off her cloak and went to remove her vest.

  
Ben’s eyes widened. “What are you doing?” he asked.

  
“Trust me,” she said while folding her clothes. “You'll want some dry clothes after we're done.”

  
Ben removed his cloak, folded it, and set it beside her pile of clothes. 

  
Rey jumped in and she heard Ben follow.

  
***

  
Rey stared at the mirror, standing a few meters away. Ben was right about the darkness here, but that wasn’t enough to stop her from getting answers. 

  
She heard the sound of Ben getting out of the water and then walking over. He stood next to her. “Are you sure you want to use this mirror?”

  
She turned her head towards him. “I am.”

  
Ben sighed. “I'm staying, but I'm not going to use the mirror… I don't think it’s a good idea for me to…”

  
“Thank you for coming with me. Having you here is enough.” Rey gave him a slight smile. Last time she had been afraid and alone, but this time she was neither.

  
Rey approached the mirror and stared at her and Ben's reflections. She reached out with her hand and touched the mirror. There were an infinite number of versions of her. She wondered if Ben could see this too. 

  
She snapped her fingers and so did they. So far nothing had changed; she felt her disappointment build.

  
There was a silhouette that looked like two people. She remembered hoping that she would see her parents, but then being disappointed that she saw herself alone. She expected to be disappointed again. 

  
It was her.

  
But this time she wasn't alone. Ben was standing at her side and their hands were clasped.

  
She looked to her side to see if he was beside her.

  
He wasn't.

  
She looked back and he was where she left him. He hadn't moved.

  
*** 

  
Unsure what to make of what she saw, Rey walked over to Ben as her mind raced. 

  
He put his hand on her shoulder and said something to her that she didn't hear. Remembering the image of them in the mirror, she took his hand.

  
She gasped at the contact and shut her eyes.

  
There was screaming.

  
A hand hovered over a wound, healing it. She felt her hand reach out to help.

  
The screaming continued, and she realized it was her own voice that was screaming.

  
She was surrounded by the Knights of Ren in what looked like a desert. Something about the place was familiar, but she couldn't identify it.

  
The desert was gone. 

  
Now she was in a forest made of fire. The screaming had stopped and except for the sound of the flames, it was silent.

  
The flames disappeared and she felt an intense pain. As she struggled to stand, someone steadied her. In front of her was a withered old man cloaked in black sitting on a familiar throne. “You've brought me everything I need,” he said, his voice sending chills down her spine. 

  
***

  
Rey opened her eyes and saw Ben in front of her. They were still in the cave.

  
“Let's get out of here,” he said, holding her hand and gently squeezing her shoulder.

  
Too stunned to speak, Rey nodded and followed him.

  
They picked up their clothing and Ben led them to a small hut where he lit a fire. 

  
Rey put on her vest and cloak and sat on a stool; she was shivering.

  
Ben wrapped a blanket around her and stood behind her, rubbing her arms. “What did you see?” he asked.

  
“In the mirror I saw us together, but in the vision…I'm not sure,” Rey said. She was starting to warm up. “I saw the Knights of Ren and a man on a throne – it must have been Palpatine – but I don't know what it all means. Did you see them too?”

  
“No,” he said, still rubbing her arms, “but I heard screaming and then I heard Palpatine’s voice.” 

  
She felt warm from Ben and the fire. “I heard him say that I brought him what he needed,” she said in a quiet voice, afraid of what that meant. 

  
“I think he said that to both of us.”

  
Someone was with her in the vision, and she hoped Ben was right that it was him. “What do you think he needs?”

  
“Maybe it's you,” he said. 

  
“I thought he wanted you to kill me,” she said, surprised. 

  
“You're the one that said that he may have been manipulating me.”

  
Rey nodded and leaned back into Ben. She looked around the hut and realized where they were. “This is where I was when….”

  
“When what?” he asked. 

  
“When our fingers touched,” she said, taking her hand out. 

  
Ben took his hand out and their fingers touched. He grabbed another stool, held her hand in his, and sat down next to her. His free arm wrapped around her back, hand resting above her hip.

  
“What do you think would have happened if Luke didn't interrupt us?” she asked, trembling from his touch.

  
He paused before answering. “We might have come to some sort of understanding.” He squeezed her hand.

  
“Do we understand each other now?” she asked.

  
“I think so, but it could have happened earlier,” he said. Ben looked away. 

  
With her free hand, Rey touched Ben’s cheek and moved his face so that he was looking at her. He felt warm even though he was still damp. “It is earlier. We are at the same time – or close enough – and same place as we were then.” 

  
His posture relaxed and he leaned into her touch. 

  
She swallowed, her heartrate was increasing. 

  
He inclined his face towards her slowly, slow enough for her to move away if she wanted.

  
She didn't.

  
She met him halfway and felt the soft brush of his lips against hers. The bond was wide open and she couldn’t tell which feelings were hers and which were his. The sensation should have been overwhelming, but instead, it felt _right_. 

  
She opened her lips and deepened the kiss. There was a slight taste of salt from the ocean water and his lips were soft and inviting. He smiled against her lips and she caressed his face, feeling the lines of his smile. This is what had been missing. 

  
He held her tighter, but it still wasn’t enough. She wanted him closer. 

  
“Ben!” Luke's voice called out. 

  
Rey reluctantly leaned back and separated their lips. She looked towards the sound of Luke's voice.

  
Luke ran towards the doorway and stopped when he saw them. “I'll, uh… I'll give you a minute,” he said, looking at how they were still wrapped up in each other. He stepped outside.

  
Rey looked back at Ben, her hand was still on his face. He smiled at her and leaned back in. She felt the gentle press of his lips against hers, and then it was gone too soon.

  
“Let's find out what he wants,” Ben said, his voice rasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about Luke interrupting, but it had to happen.
> 
> I'll post some details about my inspirations for my interpretation of the early Jedi once the fic is complete. I have an entire Google Doc dedicated to Jedi philosophy and what's in the texts.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	11. Chapter 11

Kissing Rey felt unreal. He lost himself in the feel of her lips against his and he wanted the moment to go on forever. 

  
But Luke showed up and Rey pulled away.

  
“Let's find out what he wants,” Ben said. He was frustrated by the interruption, but he knew that he would feel better if he found out what Luke wanted now than if he waited. 

  
Rey nodded and stood up. She was still holding his hand, which helped subdue the feeling of dread that was overtaking him. Her lips were red and her cheeks were tinged with pink; she captivated his full attention as she always did. 

  
He stood up and was surprised by Rey standing up on her toes and pressing a soft kiss against his jaw. He wanted nothing more than to wrap her back up in his arms, but the thought of Luke outside stopped him. Knowing that she was with him and that she was on his side gave him the strength he needed to face Luke. 

  
***

  
Ben stepped outside and he missed the warmth he had felt inside the hut. The rain had stopped and there was a cold breeze that was made worse by the dampness of his clothes. He looked at Rey to see if she was too cold, but the blanket she was still wrapped up in must have shielded her from the wind.

  
Luke was pacing and looked like he was lost in thought. Ben was about to announce their presence when Luke sharply turned his head in their direction. 

  
“You wanted to see us,” Rey said, squeezing Ben's hand.

  
He felt comforted by her support.

  
“Yes,” Luke said, “I've decided to help you.”

  
Ben felt his eyes widen, and he saw Rey's mouth open, both of them caught off guard by Luke's words.

  
Reading the expressions on their faces, Luke clarified. “I won't go with you, but I'll help with the books.” He held his hands out in a placating gesture. 

  
“You were pretty adamant that we wouldn't learn anything from those books,” Rey said. 

  
“I may have been… too hasty in my judgement.” Luke said. He looked like it pained him to say the words. “Even though I am done with the Jedi, they may have something to teach you both.” 

  
Ben swallowed. “What changed your mind?”

  
“You did,” Luke said, his eyes on Ben. “I thought over what you both said… and Han spoke with me.”

  
 _Ah,_ Ben thought, _my dad guilted him into helping._

  
***

  
The walk to the temple was silent and Luke led the way. 

  
Rey gave Ben a small smile and squeezed his hand again. Once more, he was grateful that Rey was with him in this time, on this island, and while he had to deal with Luke. Her presence kept him grounded in the present instead of ruminating about the past. 

  
They followed Luke into the temple and Rey let go of his hand to pick up the book. She showed Luke the pages they were translating. “Have you read this one before?” she asked.

  
“No,” Luke said, taking the book. “But that pattern of circles is familiar.” He traced the drawing with his finger.

  
“Where else have you seen it?” Ben asked, wondering if they had both seen it in the same place before. Ben wished he could remember why it was familiar.

  
“I'm not sure,” Luke said slowly.

  
Rey looked between Ben, Luke, and the book and then she settled her attention on Luke. “How much do you know about the early Jedi?”

  
“Not a lot.” Luke sighed, slumping his shoulders. “Most of the information I have about the Jedi is from when there was a Jedi Council.” He pointed at the book. “This predates that.”

  
“Have you read any of the books?” Rey asked. 

  
“Bits and pieces,” Luke admitted. “They aren't exactly page turners.” He gave a wry smile. 

  
Ben snorted. “And you thought you could help?” Luke could have left them to do this on their own if he had no more experience with the books than then did. He had doubts about how helpful Luke would be if he hadn’t read the books before. Considering how long he had been alone on this island, Luke had the time to read all the books. The Luke he remembered prioritized learning more about the Jedi above anything else. 

  
“I know more about the Jedi than anyone else still living,” Luke said, giving him a fixed stare. “I'm all you've got.”

  
Ben rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. While he hated to admit it, Luke had far more knowledge of the Jedi than he did. Throughout his time with Snoke, most of his Force education focused on the dark side. That wasn’t because there was nothing to learn from the light side – he had never been a Sith – but it was because the light side had been too tempting. He struggled with embracing the dark side the way Snoke had wanted him to. 

  
He was starting to come to terms with how manipulated he had been throughout his entire life. Luke and his parents pulled him in one direction, while Palpatine and Snoke pulled him in the other direction. Who would he have become without all that pressure? Who would he become now that he was making choices independent of Palpatine’s influence? 

  
Rey took the book from Luke. “Let's translate some more to see what else the book says. This is where we left off.” She looked uneasy about the amount of tension in the room and positioned herself between him in Luke, which meant that every time he looked at Luke he saw her.

  
Rey put down the book on the raised platform, turned the translator on, and placed it on the section following where they left off earlier. The sound of the stilted Coruscant accent filled the room. 

  
_“The eyes see, the ears hear, the nose breathes; they are informed by the Force. To become one with Force requires that you remove yourself from the distraction of emotion. Renunciation of material possessions, renunciation of carnal desires, and renunciation of self-importance are virtues that make way for the understanding of the Force.”_

  
Ben turned off the translator. “This book won't give us any of the answers that we need.”

  
Luke raised his eyebrows. “Because it's not giving you the answers you _want_?” he asked in a tone that was familiar to Ben. It was the tone he used when he was teaching and was displeased with the answer a student gave, and that student was usually Ben. 

  
“This is nothing more that useless Jedi platitudes,” Ben said, scoffing. The Jedi always preached about discipline and removing yourself from base desires, which set their students up for failure. 

  
“Platitudes wouldn't exist unless they held some truth. Maybe this is _exactly_ what you need to hear,” Luke said, taking a step towards Ben. “It's arrogant for anyone to think they can master the Force. The ancient Jedi had the right idea, but they didn't go far enough” – Rey walked over to Ben and took his hand, which Luke glared at – “Not only is it necessary to remove yourself from emotion and passion, it is necessary to remove yourself from the Force. Using the Force inevitably leads to temptation and the dark side.” Luke shook his head. “ _You_ of all people should know that.” 

  
Tired of Luke’s judgment, Ben rolled his eyes, feeling like a teenager again. “You're just saying that to justify your asceticism. You’ve isolated yourself from the world and feel superior because of it.” Luke was a typical Jedi. He warned his students against selfish desires while using his powers for nothing except his own self-aggrandizement. 

  
_Don’t let Luke get to you_ , Rey projected the thought to Ben. _The Force is meant to be used._

  
“I have done the right thing,” Luke said, sounding certain. “The world would be better off without the Jedi.” Luke sat on the platform with his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. 

  
“The world is better off without the Jedi,” Ben said, agreeing with only part of what Luke said. “But the world is not better off without the Force.”

  
“The choices you’ve made in your life are evidence that the world would be better off without the Force. Convince me otherwise,” Luke said with a scathing voice.

  
“The point is to _live_ ,” Ben said, letting go of Rey’s hand and standing in front of Luke. “You've willfully blinded yourself to the Force. How have you made the world better by refusing to live in it?” Ben felt tension radiating throughout his body. 

  
“I may not be making the world better, but at least I'm not causing more harm.” Luke stood up. “The two of you are playing with fire and you are risking burning the world down.” Luke gestured between Ben and Rey. 

  
“You're wrong.” Ben said, dismissing Luke’s words. Being alone fueled the darkness inside of him more effectively than anything else. Having connections and living in the world helped him care about the consequences of his actions.

  
“You're risking the entire galaxy with that belief.” Luke shook his head and then narrowed his eyes. “What evidence do you have to prove that any good can come from using the Force? I believed in you once and I won't make that mistake again.”

  
Ben’s heart was racing. “You haven't changed,” he said, his voice shaking with anger. He stepped towards Luke and then shook his head, thinking better of his actions, and turned around and left without a word.

  
He heard Rey calling his name, but he kept walking, putting distance between himself and the sound of Rey and Luke's raised voices.

  
***

  
Ben’s anger was overwhelming. He felt the need to take it out on something, but he refused to give Luke the satisfaction of gloating about how unstable he was, so he clenched his hands into fists and squeezed his eyes shut. His face was damp from the involuntary tears of frustration that he hadn’t noticed until now. 

  
Talking to Luke had always been like slamming his head against a durasteel wall; it never got him anywhere. 

  
_Does he even want to help us?_ Ben asked himself. _Or is it a ruse to convince us that we are wrong to try?_

  
Ben sat down on the ground with his legs crossed, not caring about the dampness getting his almost dry pants wet again, and inhaled a deep breath. He held the breath and then he exhaled. He continued until his heart rate returned to normal and his hands stopped shaking.

  
The Force told him that the book was important and it even showed him where in the book to start. From the beginning he was resistant to listening to what the book said because it reminded him too much of the worst of Luke's teachings. It didn't help that the man himself was there defending those same unrealistic and misguided views. 

  
The Jedi claimed to listen to the Force, but how was the denial of half of it the will of the Force? The Jedi attempted to control the Force by embracing the Light and denying the Dark. It was such an unnatural way of living that the Sith rose in response. But the Sith were also wrong. Ben spent so long trying to extinguish the Light within himself, but he never succeeded; it didn't matter what atrocities he committed, the Light remained. 

  
The light and dark sides were both the Force. Luke was correct in his belief that the dark side would always tempt light side users, but his solution of cutting himself off from the Force entirely was wrong. The Force was in everything, so the attempt was _futile_. 

  
Ben decided that he would go back and find out what the book had to teach him. He hoped that Luke would be gone by the time he got back, but he doubted that he would be that lucky. 

  
He inhaled another deep breath, held it, and slowly exhaled.

  
***

  
Standing outside the entrance of the temple, Ben heard Rey and Luke talking. They were no longer as loud as they had been when he left, but it didn't sound like a friendly conversation.

  
“—needs balance,” he heard Rey say. “Cutting yourself off from the Force is one way to maintain balance, but you can also use the Force and maintain balance.”

  
“I don't see how. Everything I have seen and experienced points to the dark side being inevitable,” Luke said. 

  
“Maybe it is, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Rey said.

  
“You're new to this. You'll see that there are too many risks associated with the dark side,” Luke said. 

  
Tired of listening and hovering at the door, Ben walked inside drawing Rey and Luke's attention. “You should listen to her.” Ben nodded at Rey. “She has a more intuitive understanding of the Force than anyone else I've met.”

  
“She's ignorant.” Luke crossed his arms. 

  
“No, she just hasn't had her mind poisoned by Jedi or Sith teachings,” Ben said. 

  
Luke looked thoughtful for a moment, but didn't say anything.

  
“We should get back to the book,” Ben said, ignoring Luke and speaking to Rey alone. 

  
“Are you sure?” Rey asked. “You didn't seem to think we were learning anything useful.”

  
“There's something in that book that we need to know,” Ben said, trying to sound more confident than he felt. He walked over to the raised platform where the book was sitting. The stone mosaic at its centre caught his attention for the first time. It showed a Jedi sitting with their legs crossed and their lightsaber pointing to the sky. In the background there were two suns, one dark and one light. Each side was a mix of dark and light stones. On one side the Jedi and the sun were dark, while the background was light and the other side showed the opposite. 

  
Rey came over and looked at the mosaic. “What's this?” she asked, her brows pinched together. 

  
“That's the Prime Jedi,” Luke answered.

  
“This isn't what I would have expected,” Rey said, still looking at the mosaic. 

  
Luke walked over to the mosaic and looked down at it. “How so?”

  
“Both sides of the Force are represented.” She turned to Luke. “I thought the Jedi only used the light side?”

  
“Maybe that wasn't always true,” Luke said. He let out a deep breath. 

  
Not wanting to talk to Luke, Ben picked up the translator and set it over a small passage in the book at the end of the page on the right. The handwriting looked different from the rest of the writing and the ink was darker. He wondered if this was added at a later date, but he had no way to find out if that was the case. He turned the translator on.

  
_“All life has the Force within and the Force has the potential to heal all life. The power of life is the most difficult to master because it requires true balance, and there can be no balance if there is ignorance.”_

  
This passage was different from the other ones they translated. Ben had been taught some Force healing at Luke’s temple, but it was not something that he excelled at. His mom occasionally used that Force power, and she had more success with it than he had. 

  
“The vision… it showed healing,” Rey said to Ben. 

  
“What vision?” Luke asked, sharply. 

  
Rey turned to Luke. “I had a vision after I looked in the mirror,” she said.

  
Luke’s eyed widened. “Don't trust it. That whole cave is seeped in the dark side.” His expression was serious. 

  
“Have you looked in the mirror?” Rey asked, raising her eyebrows.

  
“No,” Luke admitted.

  
“I was afraid of it too at first,” Rey said with a soft voice. When they went to the mirror Rey hadn’t been phased by the dark side energy of the cave. 

  
Luke leaned back. “I'm not afraid,” he said.

  
“You are,” Rey said, stepping towards Luke. She said like it was a fact and without judgment. 

  
“Tell me more about your vision,” Luke said. 

  
Rey told Luke about them holding hands in the mirror and how the vision started when she touched Ben. She didn’t go into detail, but she mentioned the flash of images and the healing, leaving out the screams and Palpatine. 

  
“That doesn't make sense.” Luke furrowed his brow. “Why would the vision connect the two of you,” he said looking between Rey and Ben.

  
“We’re a Dyad,” Ben answered. He was reluctant to share information about their connection, but after a year of research, he still knew so little about what the connection meant. He wondered if Luke knew more. 

  
“Ah, that explains a lot.” Luke continued in a lower voice as if speaking to himself. “I wonder if that means.…”

  
“Means what?” Rey asked. 

  
“Nothing.” Luke shook his head. “I need to go check on something.” He sounded like he was still speaking to himself. Without looking at them, Luke abruptly left the temple. 

  
“He's hiding something from us,” Ben said. Whatever Luke realized, Ben had a feeling that it would be important. 

  
“Definitely,” Rey agreed. 

  
***

  
They translated more of the book, but it was only that one short passage that had anything useful. 

  
Rey turned off the translator and closed the book. She was sitting close enough to Ben that her arm brushed his as she set the book down. “Have you leaned to heal?” she asked. 

  
“Some,” he said. “You?”

  
“The same,” Rey answered. “Maybe that’s what we should focus on.”

  
“I don’t see how that will help us against Palpatine,” Ben said. They would need a lot of power to survive the fight against him. Palpatine was cloaked in darkness in a way that Ben hadn’t seen from anyone before. His presence was so much larger than Snoke’s.

  
Rey sighed. “We’re not going to figure this out tonight. We should go back to the _Falcon_ and get some rest.”

  
“You’re right,” Ben said, but he didn’t want to go back to the _Falcon_ yet. He wanted more time with Rey without distractions or interruptions. 

  
“About earlier…” Rey said.

  
Ben’s heart sunk at her words. He had kissed her before he had a chance to think better of it, but she had reciprocated. He had thought they were on the same page, but he may have misinterpreted that. She had no reason to share his interest. 

  
Rey placed her hand on his thigh drawing his attention. “I can tell that your mind is racing,” she said. Rey leaned towards him. “I wouldn’t mind if it happened again.”

  
Ben let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding in. “You wouldn’t?” he asked, feeling relieved.

  
Rey smiled, “But not now. We should get some rest.” 

  
***

  
His dad and Chewie were sitting by the fire that was lit outside the _Falcon_. It had gotten so dark that the fire was the only light other than the stars in the sky. 

  
“There you both are,” his dad said. “We wondered when you’d be back.”

  
Chewie growled his greeting. He sounded tired. 

  
“We were translating the ancient Jedi texts,” Rey said. She looked over at Ben and then looked back at his dad. “Luke came by to help.”

  
Han raised his eyebrows. “Huh, and did he help?”

  
Rey shrugged. “He tried. I think he knows something he’s not telling us.”

  
“Of course he does.” Han snorted. “Ben, could we talk?” he asked, gesturing towards the _Falcon_. 

  
Ben agreed. He looked at Rey and Chewie to see if either of them knew what this was about, but neither of them gave any indication that they did. He followed his dad up the boarding ramp. 

  
***

  
His dad stopped walking once he was on the _Falcon_. They stood close enough to the boarding ramp that Ben could still see the light from the fire outside. 

  
“Talking to Luke… how are you?” his dad asked.

  
“Fine,” Ben said.

  
“He was helpful?”

  
Ben gave a short laugh. “Not really, but he attempted to help. Whatever you said to him had an impact.”

  
“So he told you about our conversation,” his dad said, sounding surprised. 

  
“Only that you talked,” Ben said. He wanted to know more about how that conversation went. He guessed that it didn’t go well for Luke. 

  
His dad nodded. “Ben, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.” He was fidgeting and now that they had the light from the _Falcon_ Ben saw that there were dark circles under his dad’s eyes. “It’s about—”

  
His dad stopped talking abruptly. 

  
Ben looked in the direction his dad was staring and saw Luke at the base of the ramp. 

  
***

  
“What are you doing here?” his dad asked as soon as Luke met them at the top of the ramp. His arms were crossed and he narrowed his eyes at Luke. 

  
“I’m here to give this to Ben,” Luke said, and he passed Ben a lightsaber. 

  
Ben automatically took the lightsaber from Luke. It was lighter than his and even though he had never seen this lightsaber before it felt familiar. He looked at Luke with curiosity. 

  
“Since you _insist_ on using the Force and going after Snoke, I figured you’d need a lightsaber,” Luke said. 

  
“I don’t want your lightsaber,” Ben said. He tried to pass it back to Luke, but he refused to take it. 

  
“It’s not mine. It belonged to your mom, and I’m sure she would want you to have it,” Luke said. 

  
So that is why it felt familiar, Ben realized. He looked back down at the lightsaber and without igniting it, tried to get a feel of it, balancing it in his hand. He wondered what colour the blade was. His old lightsaber was blue, but he’d had a red lightsaber for so long. 

  
“I’ll be outside,” Luke continued. “I keep interrupting you,” he said, giving Ben a pointed look.

  
Ben felt his face redden. 

  
His dad raided his eyebrows at him, but didn’t say anything. 

  
He was alone with his dad again. “You were trying to tell me something earlier,” Ben said, prompting his dad to talk. 

  
“It can wait a bit,” his dad said. “I can tell you want to try that thing out.” He nodded at the lightsaber. 

  
Ben did want to try the lightsaber out, but the way his dad was acting made him apprehensive. Whatever it was, Ben could tell it was important, but he knew his dad was stubborn. He would have to wait to find out what he wanted to say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com).


	12. Chapter 12

Rey had never fought Ben for the _fun_ of it before. 

  
It was strange to see him illuminated by the blue glow of his new lightsaber. It wasn’t unstable like his old blade, which suited him better. Since he started to heal, he was no longer the same broken man she fought in the snow on Ilum. He was still emotional, but he showed a new level of control.

  
The only sources of light were the glow from their blue blades, the fire by the Falcon, and the night sky. They weren't alone – Han, Chewie, and Luke were watching their duel – but her world narrowed to him. Despite the darkness limiting their vision, they could sense each other with an intensity that was unmatched by their previous duels. By growing closer, their awareness of each other though the Force grew too.

  
Having his full attention was gratifying. She felt the way he focused on her every movement – just like their previous fights – but this time there was a lightness because neither of them intended to hurt the other. This time they were seeing what the other was capable of without the same high stakes. Regardless of who won, she knew they would duel again.

  
“You're not going to win.” Rey said, trying to motivate herself just as much as she was trying to throw him off.

  
“We'll see about that,” he said, brining down a hard strike. 

  
Rey blocked his strike and spun away. She could tell that his new lightsaber was lighter than his old one, but with the strength he put into his every movement, fighting him with this new blade felt similar to fighting him with his old one.

  
Ben's form held steady and he remained rooted to the ground. His movements didn't rely on brute strength alone. There was a practiced smoothness to his style that was mesmerizing to watch.

  
She tried to take advantage of her speed and smaller stature by flipping over him and hitting him from behind, but he anticipated her move and blocked her. 

  
“You almost had me,” he admitted as he stepped back.

  
“I'm just warming up,” she said, stepping towards him and meeting his brutal strikes with her own. 

  
It was exhilarating to be so evenly matched. Every time she got the upper hand and advanced, he took the upper hand back, and she found herself retreating. Dueling with Ben was like what she imagined dancing to be like. He challenged her, and she challenged him; they made each other more skilled opponents.

  
Knowing that Ben was stronger on the offensive than the defensive, she hit him with a fast series of successive blows, causing him to back away. She refused to lose the advantage, so she continued to advance as Ben retreated. He didn't have much ground left to retreat to – behind him and getting closer with every step was a steep drop – so Rey looked for signs telegraphing his next move. 

  
He gave nothing away, which meant that Rey was surprised when he dropped his lightsaber. Her surprise only lasted a second and she had her blade against his neck before he could block her.

  
She smiled at him, satisfied that she got the upper hand.

  
He smiled back and nodded to his left, careful of the lightsaber next to his throat.

  
Rey looked down and saw that he had caught his lightsaber in his left hand and had it stopped next to her waist. One slight movement and it would be over for her.

  
At an impasse, they nodded to each other and agreed to call it a draw. She was disappointed that she didn't win, but heartened by the fact that she didn't lose either. They disengaged their lightsabers and attached them to their belts, but they didn't move away from one another. 

  
The adrenaline from the fight hadn’t worn off yet. Her heart was pounding and she was breathing heavily. 

  
Her and Ben were so close that Rey heard the sound of his breath. She wanted to close the distance between them, but she remembered that Han, Chewie, and Luke were watching, so she put her hand on his chest and felt his heart beating. She stilled, unsure whether she would maintain their distance, or pull him in closer.

  
He reached out with his right hand and tucked the hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear, and then he cupped her face in his hand.

  
She leaned into his touch and decided it was dark enough without the glow of their lightsabers to get away with it, so she pulled him forward by his shirt and pressed her lips against his.

  
His mouth parted against hers and she wanted more of him. She moved her lips firmly against his, wanting to close any distance between them. He let her take the lead, and she was sure that her inexperience was obvious, but he didn't seem to care. She tightened her grip on his shirt and pulled him closer. He made a sound, a sort of half-growl, half-moan that set her nerve endings on fire.

  
She felt her knees weaken, and he must have felt it though the bond because his free arm wrapped around her back and held her steady against him. 

  
Remembering their audience, Rey pulled away, and she felt his lips follow hers. Their lips were a breath apart and they were both panting, still winded from the duel. She let go of his shirt and ran her hand down his chest, feeling the contours of his body. She felt him shiver in response.

  
“We should—” Ben sounded slightly breathless, and he nodded in the direction of the fire, but made no move in that direction. He was still cupping her face in his hand and she tilted her head towards his hand and kissed his palm.

  
“Let's continue this later,” Rey said, and she was glad for the darkness that was surely covering up the deep blush she must have been sporting.

  
“I'd like that,” he said softly, giving no sign that he was aware of her embarrassment. 

  
*** 

  
“Who won?” Han asked as they approached the fire.

  
Han, Chewie, and Luke were all looking at them for an answer.

  
“You couldn’t tell?” Rey asked. 

  
Han shrugged. “It’s so dark out that all we could see was your lightsabers. I have no idea what happened at the end,” he said. 

  
She hoped that was true and that he didn't know what happened _after_ they ended their duel.

  
“It was a draw,” Ben answered. He sat next to Han.

  
Rey sat next to Ben, her thigh pressed against his. Now that they had stopped moving she felt the chill of the night. 

  
“You fight like him,” Luke said sounding unsurprised, like they had confirmed something for him, but she wasn't sure what that was. 

  
“I guess I do,” Rey said. It had been true since that first time she took up a lightsaber in combat. When she went into Ben's mind and her powers awakened, some of his knowledge and ability passed to her. She wondered, not for the first time, what he gained from their connection.

  
“You're evenly matched,” Luke continued. “Powerful enough, I think, to take on Snoke yourselves.”

  
Rey felt Ben tense against her. 

  
“We are,” Ben said, his voice was steady, but she felt the intensity of his emotions through the bond.

  
They may have defeated Snoke the first time, but it was not easy. She remembered the way he ripped into her mind and the fear she felt when he instructed Ben to strike her down. 

  
Some of her thoughts must have bled through the bond because Ben wrapped his arm around her. His touch was comforting and she leaned into his warmth. His touch brought her back to the present and helped her push aside those memories.

  
Luke stared at them, his expression unreadable.

  
Han was staring too, but he had a small smile on his face. Some of the tension that he carried with him left his face. 

  
“There was something you wanted to tell me earlier,” Ben said to Han, his voice tentative. “Should we talk about it now?” he asked. Ben glanced at Luke and then looked back at Han.

  
Han was no longer smiling, and Rey felt a spike of apprehension at the look on his face.

  
Han straightened his posture and let out a deep breath. “I haven't been able to get in touch with your mom,” he said to Ben. “We haven't been able to get in touch with anyone from the Resistance. Something might be wrong. Chewie and I think that we need to go back to the Resistance as soon as possible.”

  
Chewie let out a low moan of agreement.

  
Rey’s worry was matched by Ben’s, and he held her tighter. 

  
“You should come with us,” Han said to Luke. “Leia needs your help.” His voice breaking as he said Leia's name.

  
Luke shook his head. “She may think she does, but Ben and Rey are enough.”

  
“It would be easier with your help,” Han said, raising his voice slightly. 

  
“We've talked about this.” Luke looked away from Han. 

  
Han sighed. “You explained yourself, but I didn't agree.” He sounded tired.

  
Rey felt for Han. Not only had Luke disappointed him by being so unwilling to help, but he had been dishonest about what had happened with Ben all those years ago. She saw how hurt he was by everything that had happened. Rey didn’t think they would ever be able to repair their relationship. 

  
_Should we tell them?_ Rey asked Ben though their connection so only he could hear. 

  
_I think we have to._

  
_How much?_

  
_Just enough to show them how serious the threat is._

  
“Snoke's the least of our problems,” Ben said, drawing everyone’s attention. 

  
“What do you mean?” Luke asked sharply.

  
“Snoke’s a puppet,” Ben said. He kept to the facts and didn’t show how he felt about what he was saying, but Rey could tell that he was uncomfortable revealing this information. She knew that he felt like his victory against Snoke was snatched away when he found out Palpatine was behind everything. 

  
Luke’s eyes widened. “Whose puppet?” he asked.

  
Ben focused on Luke. “Palpatine’s.” 

  
Chewie growled at the name.

  
“Impossible,” Luke said, shaking his head. 

  
“He's telling the truth,” Rey said. She wasn’t going to let Luke continue to hide from the truth. 

  
“You must be mistaken,” Luke said, but he sounded uncertain, like he was trying to convince himself.

  
“I've heard his voice in my head and I’ve seen him,” Ben said. She felt how tense he was. “I’m not mistaken.”

  
“I saw him die.” Luke squeezed his eyes shut.

  
“He's back,” Rey said, “and you’re the only person who has fought him and survived.”

  
Luke stood up. “I need a moment,” he said, his voice shaky.

  
“Don't take too long,” Han said, crossing his arms. “We're leaving soon – with or without you.”

  
Luke nodded, and he turned and left.

  
***

  
Rey leaned into Ben and stared at the fire. Everyone seemed stunned by the revelation, too stunned to say anything, too stunned to do anything.

  
Rey hoped that they had revealed enough to make a difference. As frustrated as she was by Luke, she knew that they had a better chance of succeeding with his help. Han had lost a lot of faith in Luke and was angry with him. Chewie was angry too. Ben was conflicted, and understandably so, Luke had caused him a lot of pain. She knew that she was the only reason Ben was open to working with Luke. 

  
“When did you find out?” Han asked Ben, breaking the silence.

  
“Not long ago,” Ben answered. “Rey's the only other person who knew.”

  
“You didn't tell your mom?” Han asked. 

  
“She had enough to worry about. Her knowing wouldn't have made a difference – he’s still in hiding, so we have some time.”

  
Han nodded. “You're right. We'll deal with Palpatine later. We need to focus on your mom and the rest of the Resistance.”

  
“Leia's alive,” Rey said, wanting to reassure Han. 

  
“You're sure?” Han asked.

  
“I would have felt it if she died,” Rey said. She remembered what that felt like. 

  
“She's right,” Ben said. “I don't know what's happening with the Resistance, but mom's alive.”

  
Han still looked tense, but his shoulders relaxed slightly. “That's something at least.”

  
Chewie walked over to Han and patted his shoulder. 

  
“Let's great ready to depart,” Han continued. 

  
Ben helped Chewie put out the fire and gather their belongings.

  
Han walked over to Rey. “I wanted to thank you,” he said in a low voice so only she could hear.

  
“Thank me?” Rey asked, uncertain of what he meant.

  
“You're good for Ben. I haven't seen him so…” he said, pausing for a moment. “At peace. Content.”

  
“You don't need to thank me. He's good for me too.” Her vision of them together was finally coming true. 

  
“That's good. You have us too – me, Chewie, Leia – we’re here for you,” Han said, gesturing at himself and then in Chewie’s direction. 

  
Rey felt her mouth go dry. “You barely know me.”

  
Han looked serious. “We know enough. And it's not because of Ben. Chewie and I were lucky to find you on the _Falcon_ – I meant it when I offered you that job,” he said. 

  
Rey swallowed. She didn't know how to respond, so she nodded. She wanted to believe him, but it was difficult for her to trust in others. It wasn’t that long ago that she was on Jakku, relying on herself, and having no one. She was learning how to trust others. 

  
“Let's get ready for departure,” Han said. 

  
Rey was relieved by the change in topic. She wasn’t comfortable being vulnerable around others. That was something her and Han had in common. It meant a lot to her that he opened up to her, and that he valued her. 

  
She followed Han onto the _Falcon_. 

  
She remembered mourning him; he became important to her in such a short period of time, so learning that she was important to him was a relief. After a lifetime of being alone, she very quickly found herself surrounded by people who cared, but just as quickly she lost them. Having them back – Han, Leia, _Ben_ – was more than she had let herself hope for. She was afraid of waking up and finding out that this was a dream, that they were still gone.

  
 _Are you okay?_ Ben asked. He was still outside, but it felt like he was with her. It always felt like that now that she wasn't fighting against the bond.

  
_I'll be fine. Sometimes it's hard to believe this is real._

  
_I know what you mean. But it feels real._

  
_It feels real for me too._

  
Rey walked towards the crew quarters. 

  
***

  
Rey grabbed a large cloth satchel from her bag and left the crew quarters. She was walking towards the _Falcon's_ ramp when she ran into Ben and Chewie in the main corridor. They must have finished bringing everything onto the _Falcon_.

  
“I'm going to get the books and the translator,” she said.

  
“Do you want me to come with you?” Ben asked.

  
Rey shook her head. “We'll be ready for departure sooner if you stay here and help.” It would take less time if she went on her own. 

  
Chewie growled in agreement. He continued in the direction he had been walking, giving her and Ben some privacy.

  
“I'll be back soon,” Rey said. 

  
Ben nodded.

  
This thing between them was new and fragile. Rey felt protective of it, but also insecure. She knew that he cared about her – _she_ _felt it_ – that’s not what she was insecure about. She didn’t know how to act around Ben, what to say, what to do. 

  
Relying on instinct, and not giving herself the chance too overthink it, Rey gave him a quick kiss and smiled at him. 

  
He smiled back.

  
She felt how genuine his smile was. Ben smiling was becoming one of Rey’s favourite things. It made him look younger and less weighed down by the memories that haunted him. She wanted to put that smile of his face as often as she could. They were in the middle of a war, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t have moments of happiness. Not knowing what was going to happen scared her, so she knew that she had to make every moment count. 

  
Not having time to take things any further, Rey started walking towards the exit again, this time a bit faster. She was worried about the Resistance too. If they hadn't changed enough, she knew they were in serious trouble. And part of her worried that her and Ben had made things worse. 

  
***

  
It was dark, but there was enough light from the stars that Rey was able to make see that Luke was sitting near the tree. His legs were crossed and since he gave to sign that he saw her, she guessed that he had his eyes closed. 

  
She snorted.

  
He didn't seem to hear her, lost to his meditation.

  
She considered trying to talk to Luke one last time to try to convince him to help, but decided against it. They didn’t have time and she didn’t have anything new to say to him. If Palpatine being back wasn’t enough, she didn’t know what would be. 

  
Rey went inside, grabbed the books and translator, and put them in the satchel. 

  
The mosaic caught her eye again. The Prime Jedi looked at peace with both the Light and the Dark. Ben struggled first against the Dark and then against the Light, but he was now free of that struggle. He was no longer forcing himself to fit in a box that someone else created for him – first Luke and then Snoke – and he was in less pain now. 

  
Rey also struggled with the Dark. Trying to use only one side seemed like an impossible struggle. She wanted to believe that she could trust in herself and the Force, but she had her doubts. She worried about following her grandfather’s footsteps. 

  
She heard voices. One was Luke's and one was someone else's.

  
*** 

  
“—can't be what they need me to be. I failed. They're asking me to help, but I don't think they want the man I've become to help,” Luke said.

  
Rey stood close enough to the opening of the tree to hear, but far enough that she was out of sight. 

  
“Hide from your failure you have, face it you must,” another man said. Rey didn’t recognize his voice, but she appreciated what he was saying and hoped he could get through to Luke where she couldn't.

  
“Master Yoda, the price of my failure was too high,” Luke said.

  
“The greatest teacher, failure is. Pass on what you have learned. Weakness, folly, failure. But strength, mastery, and compassion, also,” Yoda said.

  
“It may be too late for that,” Luke said, sounding defeated.

  
Rey decided that it was time to let them know she was there. She stepped outside and was surprised by what she saw.

  
***

  
Luke and the other man – Yoda – looked up as her as soon as she stepped outside. Luke looked surprised to see her, but Yoda didn't.

  
He was a small, green humanoid who was glowing blue. Rey wasn't sure of his age, but the the knowing look he gave her reminded her of Maz. Something about the slump of his shoulders told he that he carried a heavy burden and that he had seen more than anyone else she had encountered, Maz included. 

  
“It's not too late,” Rey said. 

  
“My time as a Jedi Master is over,” Luke said.

  
“Maybe it is,” Rey said. She took a moment to collect her thoughts. “But I don't think we need Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master. We need the Luke who rescued his sister. The Luke who believed there was still good in Darth Vader. The Luke who survived facing Palpatine.”

  
Luke let out a deep breath. “I don't know if I can be that man again.” 

  
“I'm not saying that you need to be your younger self,” Rey said. She knew that he wasn’t the same Luke that Leia told her about. “I'm saying that it's the person we need not the legend.”

  
“Wise, our students are. Learn much from them we can,” Yoda said. He had a smile on his face. “Listen to young Rey, you should.”

  
Luke ran his hand though his hair and looked between Rey and Yoda. “Okay,” he said, his voice weary, “you’ve convinced me.”

  
Rey raised her eyebrows. “You'll help?” she asked, surprised by his change of heart.

  
“I don't know how much help I'll be, but I won't do anyone any good by staying here,” Luke said, sitting up a little straighter, looking more alert. 

  
“Thank you,” Rey said, sighing with relief. The first time Luke died helping the Resistance escape the First Order, but this time she hoped he could do more. They needed to go help the Resistance, but they also needed to defeat Snoke and Palpatine. As much as she believed in Ben and their bond, she didn't think that they could face Palpatine alone and survive. With Luke's help they would at least have an _idea_ of what to expect.

  
“Don't thank me yet. You may regret having to put up with me,” Luke said dryly.

  
Rey snorted in response.

  
Yoda let out a delighted giggle that made him seem younger. “Young Rey,” he said, sounding more serious, “define us, our families do not. Learn to trust yourself, you shall.”

  
His words hit Rey hard. Trusting herself had defined her life. Having been alone for so long, she was used to relying on herself. On Jakku she faced each and every obstacle thrown her way with confidence. But as a Jedi… and now as a Palpatine, her confidence wavered. 

  
Yoda walked towards her. “Difficult, the path you and young Solo face will be,” he continued. “But together you will face it.” He looked between Rey and Luke, let out a satisfied huff, and then he faded away.

  
“What just happened?” Rey asked.

  
“Master Yoda was my old teacher. He became one with the Force many years ago.”

  
Rey took that to mean that he died. “But he was just here.” She gestured at the place where Yoda had stood.

  
Luke smiled. “No one is ever really gone.”

  
His words made her think first of her parents, but then of Han and Leia. She knew that wasn’t exactly what Luke meant, but they were gone and now they were back. Was that more or less believable than having a conversation with someone who died? 

  
*** 

  
Rey felt Ben’s unease as she entered the _Falcon’s_ cockpit with Luke. She wondered if he saw them arrive or if he sensed them. 

  
Everyone turned to face her and Luke as they stepped inside. Han and Chewie were in the pilot and co-pilot seats and Ben was in the seat behind Han.

  
“You’re coming then?” Han asked. 

  
“If I’m welcome,” Luke said. 

  
“You know you are. Take a seat.” Han turned around and began the start up procedures. “We need to get going.”

  
Rey pulled out the small seat that was attached to the wall. She hadn’t used it before, and it didn’t look particularly comfortable, but it put her between Ben and Han. She unfolded the seat, sat down, and took Ben’s hand. 

  
Luke sat in the chair beside Ben’s and started talking to Chewie. 

  
_Are you okay with him coming with us?_ she asked Ben. 

  
_My mom will be happy. I’ll be fine._ He gave her a small smile. 

  
_Whatever happens, I’m with you._

  
Ben squeezed her hand. _I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Every comment, kudos, bookmark, subscription, and hit means a lot. I started writing this as a fix-it for myself when I had some extra free time while self-isolating (I'm fine!), and it has been a lot of fun.
> 
> I do have a sequel planned (there are loose threads to tie up), but this is where I always intended for the first part to end. The sequel will show all the major changes time-travel results in with a HEA. I'm going to take a bit of a break, write some other stuff, and get further ahead with the sequel before I start posting. I hope you'll want to keep reading.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://captainmarvel42.tumblr.com). Follow me for progress updates, meta, or to talk about reylo.


	13. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting! Chapter 1 of the sequel _Unlearn What You Have Learned_ has been posted.

**Excerpt:**

Rey had hoped more changed. They had followed the signal from the binary beacon and found the Resistance in a situation far too familiar to Rey. The _Supremacy_ was waiting for the _Raddus –_ the cruiser that was likely carrying the surviving Resistance members – to run out of fuel. The First Order had the advantage.

She didn’t want to relive the past. 

_The Force wouldn’t have brought us back if we couldn’t change things,_ Rey thought. _Ben and I have already changed the past. Han is alive. We warned the Resistance that the First Order could track them though hyperspace – maybe they have a better plan?_

She hoped the Resistance had an advantage she couldn’t see – that Finn and Rose had more success – that Leia hadn’t been injured. 

Rey had to remind herself of the positive changes. 

_Luke is with us._

She tried to calm herself by taking deep breaths. 

**Author's Note:**

> Will update every Monday.


End file.
